Values-Driven

Before starting each new homeschool year, my husband and I talk about our goals and objectives for our children and the various ways we might use homeschooling as a vehicle for accomplishing those goals. I spend some time going through traditional scope and sequence materials for the different grade levels of my children and develop a bulleted list of the things our academic curriculum should cover. I know that we don’t homeschool in the same way that others do; in fact, the flexibility of homeschooling is one of the reasons why it’s such an ideal way to disciple your children and prepare them for life. We don’t “have to” do it just like the public schools, like the alternative schools, or even like our fellow homeschoolers!

Even with all of this careful planning, and with the understanding that everyone’s homeschool methods differ, I still occasionally see something done by another homeschool family and think, “Should we be doing that?” I wonder if we’re missing something. I worry that my children aren’t doing enough academically. I question many things that just a short time earlier had been unquestionable. Thankfully, when I bring these concerns to my husband he always sets me straight—reminding me again that why we homeschool drives how we homeschool, and that we don’t have to “keep up with the Joneses.”

It never ceases to amaze me, though, how the wind gets taken out of my sails by seemingly insignificant things. My confidence can fail just because I decide to compare myself to someone else’s standards rather than the standard that God has given me. Once I get back on track, I’m stronger for it—but it’s sometimes an uphill climb to overcome the doubts and questions that can attack my mind.

I was thinking about this “power of suggestion” in my time of prayer this morning. Just as it doesn’t take much for me to lose confidence in some areas, I think the same is true for my children. Likewise, though, a simple encouragement can go far in the opposite direction, to strengthen a weakness and spur someone on. As parents, the power of suggestion is one of the many tools we have in our toolbox. Sometimes we use it in a harmful manner (often inadvertently or without thinking), and sometimes we use it for good. The latter takes a great deal more thought and effort, at least for me. I am, by nature, a more critical sort of person, so I try to be proactively positive with my children to counter-balance my natural tendencies.

My oldest son has a habit of making me a card saying, “I love you, Mom!” when it seems like I am having a bad day. I don’t know how he started doing it, but I noticed that he very often does. On one particular day, my son was struggling with his attitude and was not responding to the usual encouragements. By the end of the day he was still a bit down. So while he slept, I made him a card, letting him know that I loved him and was praying for him. I taped it to the headboard of his bed. I don’t know how he was feeling when he woke up, but by the time I saw him he was all smiles. Some time later, I noticed my handmade card in his “treasure box”—all the little things he stores up as memories. It didn’t take much to get things going in a more positive direction—it was just the power of suggestion.

I also recall how effective it was in my Children’s Church class to hand out “certificates of achievement” at the end of each session—for the most active participant, the best cleaner-upper, the most polite student, and so on. It’s amazing how such a little token could really promote a positive atmosphere. Don’t overlook these things in what can be the day-to-day grind of parenting. In fact, that’s why my husband and I started using a daily “Core Value Encouragement Chart” with our children. It’s a concrete reminder for our kids of the blessing that accompanies their sincere efforts to live the Word of God and exhibit Christlike character. It has been a very effective tool for this purpose.

On the other hand, I can think of instances where the power of suggestion has resulted in negative outcomes rather than positive ones. When I use statements with a child like “You always…” or “You never…” (and they’re usually negative in nature), it sends the message to the child that I have certain expectations for their actions or behavior, and so it doesn’t do them any good to try something different. In fact, my own expectations or assumptions often blind me to the fact that a particular child is actually making progress in a given area.

So it’s pretty obvious that both our actions and our words can have significant effects on our children’s attitudes and behaviors, whether in a negative direction or positive. Recently, though, I’ve been meditating on how our overall tone can be a powerful suggestion as well. Our tone is self-perpetuating throughout our home, in more ways than we realize. We can say things that seem encouraging, but are we saying them in a positive way, and with a genuine heart? I think of how a child can come to me with a work of art—all of their effort poured into it—and if I’m in the middle of something, I can take a quick glance and mumble, “That’s really nice, sweetie.” But they know that my heart isn’t in it, and what was meant to encourage the child will probably have the opposite effect.

I’d like to leave you with a poem that had a great deal of impact on me, and in fact made me think a little more deeply about the power of suggestion and the effects of my tone in the home. I’m reprinting it from a study called “Gatekeepers of the Home” by Nancy Campbell (visit www.aboverubies.org for this and other helpful, Biblical studies and encouragements for wives and mothers). The original author is listed as unknown.

The Tone of Voice

It’s not so much what you say
As the manner in which you say it;
It’s not so much the language you use
As the tone in which you convey it;
“Come Here!” I sharply said,
And the child cowered and wept.
“Come here,” I said—
He looked up and smiled
And straight to my lap he crept.
Words may be mild and fair
And the tone may pierce like a dart;
Words may be soft as the summer air
But the tone may break my heart;
For words come from the mind
Grow by study and art—but tone leaps from the inner self
Revealing the state of the heart.
Whether you know it or not,
Whether you are mean or care,
Gentleness, kindness, love and hate,
Envy, anger are there.
Then, would you quarrels avoid
And peace and love rejoice?
Keep anger not only out of your words—
Keep it out of your voice.