To-Do List: Friend or Foe?

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to-do lists

As a young mother, I wanted to be effective and productive and “make the most of every opportunity” in raising my children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Once we had more than a few children and began homeschooling, feelings of overwhelm crept in regularly, I turned to a schedule to try to get more done with less angst. Without naming names, I tried implementing a scheduling method (popular at the time) that promised the productivity and peace that I was hoping for.

However, the schedule turned into more of a task-master than I had anticipated, leading to more stress, rather than less. I began to look at routines and focused on putting some predictable and priority elements in place that would help me to put “first things first.”

An essential complement to our daily routines has always been my “to-do list,” which I typically set out (at least mentally) each morning. With age and forgetfulness, writing down has become increasingly more important. Of course, with years and advancing technology, my to-do list has largely turned digital. Perhaps like me, you scribble in the daily essentials and then, when you find you’ve done something extra, you pencil it in at the bottom just so you can have the inner satisfaction of crossing it off.

Until just this week, I’ve been using a simple Notepad app. However, it came to my attention that a couple of my daughters have fallen in love with the 1-3-5 To-Do List, which helps you prioritize by selecting one “big” task, three “medium” tasks, and five “small” tasks for each day. I’ve been trying to use it, and I find that even though it sounds good (in theory) and is really not a whole lot different than a regular to-do list, it’s been creating some low-level stress in my life.

For one thing, it has caused me to think about the amount of time I spend on typical daily tasks. And if I think about one “large” task taking me 1-2 hours, three “medium” tasks” taking about least 30 minutes each, and five “small tasks” taking 15-20 minutes each, that is roughly anywhere from 3 to 5 hours per day. Going into the day thinking about that many hours of work to get done (and having to work those hours around the typical activity level and interruptions associated with a busy household) puts the pressure on almost from the get-go.

Another problem is, my “tasks” tend to be work-related or productivity-oriented (such as making and canning a large batch of pasta sauce), rather than actual priority tasks (like going through a new Bible study with my teen/adult girls, which I have been putting off for much too long, but which is very important to me). So I guess I need to figure out how to balance this out and include more tasks that don’t have any “visible” benefit at the end of the day.

And maybe it’s just me, but the 1-3-5 method just seems to have less “flex” than a random checklist. I wouldn’t worry about nudging something on my notepad over into another day if the tyranny of the urgent took over and it didn’t get crossed off. But when I have a “big” task that just isn’t going to get done because 5 unplanned “little tasks” totally sucked up my available time, well, it feels a little more stressful not to get it checked off.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m seeing all over again the importance of prioritizing and having routines, with lists or plans functioning as more of a friend than a foe. As wives/Moms/home managers, we each have to find what works best for us individually: our thought processes, our personalities, our family’s rhythms, etc. So many things work for one person and not another. It’s hard to give a new “thing” your best shot (especially if it’s something you spend money on) and discover that it just doesn’t help you like you had hoped. But when you do find something that IS a good fit, it’s definitely a great feeling.

Here is my prayer for you: Lord, I ask that you would give a spirit of wisdom and revelation to each Mama reading this, as she seeks to make the most of her time and honor you in everything. Let your Spirit be her Helper, as you have promised, and lead her to a place a both productivity and peace. Give her clarity about her priorities in marriage, family, homeschooling, home management, and “ministry.” Help her to be effective and productive and know that you are pleased as she puts you first in everything. Give her peace and freedom in being who you have made her to be.

Re-Implementing Circle Time

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Values-Driven Family was pretty quiet during our time in Kenya, and I’ve been thinking on what to write here, since we’ve been back in the States again since February of last year (2021).

The transition back to Indiana went as good as it possibly could, and we are so thankful for God’s grace in that. Just about concurrent with our landing in Indiana was purchase of property in Kentucky (also only God!), where we had hopes to build. Suffice it to say, that went much more quickly than we ever could have anticipated, thanks to the hard work of Marc and the children, financial provision from the Lord, and the willing and amazing help, generosity, and prayers of many, many brethren over many months.

We have been in Kentucky now for 4 months! When we moved in, the house was still somewhat unfinished, so we’ve been working on many different projects while trying to school and manage Carrier Family Doodles. God is good, and we are thankful.

One thing that I have wanted to do upon returning to the States is to re-establish our beloved “Circle Time” as a daily routine, especially with our Littles. We were pretty hit-or-miss while in Kenya for a number of reasons, and, while I have some regret about that, I also realize that regret doesn’t change things. I have to deal with the reality that is, rather than hope for an ideal that may not manifest. While I have still not been perfect in my goal of having a daily Circle Time, we have been consistent enough that I see the benefits once again and am grateful for what the Lord has done through it.

We’re also returning to the “Core Values” with our younger children, which has been an absolute blessing. The Core Values (faith, surrender, love faithfulness, wisdom, self-control, righteousness, holiness, humility, generosity, and praise) gave our older children such a solid foundation in character and in faith, as we consistently emphasized these “values that God values” during daily Bible times, Circle Time teaching and training, and daily “teachable moments.” We are working our way slowly through our dog-eared copy of “Values-Driven Discipleship” once again during our family devotional times in the morning and evening. Circle Times include stories, songs, games, and memory verses pertaining to the Core Values, right on the level of our Little ones. I am so thankful for God’s faithfulness to us and to our children over these many years of desiring to know Him more and honor Him in everything. The core values, and daily Circle Times, have been a reliable means to that end for us.

Just in case you are new here, you can get an idea of how we implement core-value Biblical instruction and character training here: https://valuesdrivenfamily.com/biblical-instruction-character-training/. Be sure to visit our free downloads area, where you can find a free, printable core value chart and mini poster that can get you started in implementing Core Value instruction with your family, if you think that it would be helpful for you.

I never cease to praise God for the years spent investing in my older children: teaching, training, encouraging, and developing relationships, as I see the fruit that the Lord has brought from our hearts desire to follow Him and teach our children His ways. On days when I have pressing responsibilities and might otherwise have to neglect Circle Time, my older daughters have picked up the baton and carry it well. Here’s a photo of a fun project one of them did after a Circle Time last week, to help illustrate the core value of “Love” and leave the Littles with an ongoing reminder of what it looks like for them:

Core Values: Love

No matter what methods you choose as you seek to raise up your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, keep pressing on in your efforts. Although in some seasons of life things may not be perfect, I always like to remind myself that God “gently leads those that have young” (Isaiah 40:11) and that “at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

Learning through Play

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The idea of young children “learning through play” has always been a favorite of mine. And while our older children typically fall into textbooks and other methods of rote learning, I encourage learning through play a great deal in the children’s early years. It is easy to catch them playing house, taking care of baby dolls, “churching,” mimicking the use of tools, and pretending any number of things. As they go, they learn naturally how things work, and it is easy to “scaffold” their learning: introducing a new skill, word, or idea with an added prop, a short conversation, or follow-up book or activity.

My baby and her baby

I suppose I am not the only parent who has watched with tenderness as a little girl wraps her baby doll and pats it to sleep with a soft lullaby. Yet the same child may later comfort her baby’s crying for a time and then snap, “Oh, be quiet!” and put it down in its bed with a frustrated sigh.

Or, a little boy’s dramatic play involves picking up a rectangular wooden block and putting it to his ear: “Hello?” “I’m fine, how are you?” And then he sits down on the couch and punches some buttons on his “phone” and “scrolls” with his finger as he gazes at the imaginary screen with interest.

Over the years, I have paid close attention to my Littles’ dramatic play and asked myself, “What are they learning?” Because their play is, to a great extent, the processing of real life. What they pick up at a young age may be what they repeat when they have children of their own. The occasions of seeing my children become absorbed in a block “phone” have been few and far between, but when I see it I know I have not been the best example in that area and it prompts me to be a little more disciplined. When a young “mother” becomes frustrated with her crying baby, I know that I need to pray and practice having a gentler and quieter spirit.

I can get a good idea of the tone of our home, what kinds of words and expressions are commonly used, and how things are going in inter-personal relationships just by quietly observing my children about their play. And if I see that their behavior could use some positive encouragement, their play time is a good time for that training: “Oh, your poor baby will be so sad if you are frustrated with her! I know it’s hard, but let’s try something else to make her stop crying.”

Also on the subject of learning through play, I have found (since being in Kenya) that many toys can be successfully eliminated in this process. While my older girls once had a plastic kitchen play set, my pre-school daughter now uses my real pots and pans and whatever else she can acquire, and sets up a temporary “kitchen” in her bed or a corner of the living room. If she’s outside, she will use old aluminum cans, discarded plastic containers, and sticks. I don’t think she’s missed out on much; in fact, I think the added creativity has been a benefit to her.

It seems that “simplifying” or “minimizing” is growing in popularity these days, and it’s definitely something that we can use to our benefit when it comes to our children and their playthings. Not only does having fewer things help them to be more creative, but it can teach them contentment and thankfulness for what they do have.

New! and Free for Limited Time: The Eternal Benefits of Circle Time

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It’s been quiet on our blog for some time, and not because our family is not busy. I’m sure many of you can relate. BUT, I had to break the silence to announce a new publication that I know will bless many of you, and I hope you will take advantage of a brief window of time to get it FREE on Kindle.

About the book:

Add one simple element to your daily routine—Circle Time—and effectively promote a more joyful home atmosphere; meet more of your academic, spiritual, and character development goals for your children; and encourage family relationships in a positive way. Author Cynthia Carrier offers practical information and advice on just what Circle Time is, how to customize the components of your Circle Time to meet your family’s objectives, and how to deal with difficulties and distractions during Circle Time. For the Carrier family, Circle Time has been one of the most influential habits of their 15-plus years of homeschooling, particularly as it has helped them meet their family goals of discipleship in the Christian faith and character development. This short book will leave you with a wealth of ideas and encouragement to help you start your own Circle Time and have a similar eternal impact on your family.

Kindle edition: FREE from June 5, 2020 (12 midnight Pacific time) until June 9, 2020 (12 midnight Pacific time), then $1.49.

Paperback is $4.50 on Amazon.com (wish it could be cheaper but their royalty structure doesn’t permit the lowest desired price. Get it on our Website for $3.50 instead!).

Get it on Amazon or buy it from Values-Driven.

Encourage Yourself in the Lord

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Ups and downs in life are inevitable. Some days, I feel at the top of my game spiritually. I’m up early praying and reading my Bible. I see God answer those prayers. I feel close to Him. Other days, I get up later than I want to, go through the day feeling spiritually drained, or end up regretting missing out on what I see (in retrospect) as “God opportunities.” Practically speaking, maybe I go to bed tired and wake up tired and feel irritable all day. Maybe I successfully hold my tongue when the volume from our nine children increases beyond my tolerance level, or when I hear their cross words and they refuse my kind correction. Or, maybe I don’t hold my tongue, and then all of us feel bad for a while until I sit them all down and apologize. Some days I am productive and feel good. Other days, I just hope no one comes to the door (unfortunately, that rarely happens around here!).

None of us want to be “people-pleasers,” doing what we do to get accolades and pats on the back. But,  the Bible does tell us to “encourage one another and build each other up,” and to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” We all need a boost from people around us sometimes, and I think God knows that we need other people to come alongside of us to help us be our best. But in the day-to-day grind and the ordinariness of everyday, there are few people who do that for us with any consistency. Frankly, much of what we do is unseen by others. We live largely independent lives and often just don’t cross paths with people. And maybe you’ve been in the same position as me on occasion: when you do get some words of encouragement  (“Your children are so well-behaved!,” for example), all you can do is think to yourself, “Yeah, they should sit at our supper table for a few nights, then they’d hear how often I have to correct things like feet on the table, eating with fingers, not washing hands with soap, over-indulging in food,” etc., etc. Even what is meant as encouragement, when turned over in a negative mind, can have the opposite effect and we end up meditating on all we wish we could change.

Spiritually speaking, there are going to be times when you lack a mentor who can challenge you and encourage you to stay strong in your walk with the Lord. One of my dearest sisters in the Lord never let a conversation end until she asked me, “What are you reading during your devotional time?” or, “How is your prayer life?” I really loved that about her and, as a result, I’ve always tried to have interactions that SPEAK life rather than just TALK ABOUT life. I try to be consistent with prayer and reading, but let’s face it, we all go through times where we get busy and don’t have regular time for that (even worse if it’s purposely so, because we don’t really want to hear from God…ouch!) If you don’t have someone who knows where you’re at and can provide some accountability, it’s often hard to get back on track. Whether practical or spiritual encouragement, let’s face it: Encouragement is so necessary, but often so absent.

Over the years, I’ve learned something important about both my walk with the Lord and my parenting journey: neither are going to have the outcome I desire unless I encourage myself in the Lord. I can’t depend on other people, my own emotions are often deceitful, and circumstances are out of my control. The only sure thing I have, the only thing I can depend on, is God and His Word. So when I need encouragement, that’s where I have to go. And if I don’t, it’s as Hebrews says–it’s all too easy to become “hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (see Hebrews 3:13).

bible_transparent_208I remember being a young Mom of three and sitting in my prayer closet during the wee hours of the morning. I don’t know exactly what I was crying to God about, but that’s what I was doing. And then I opened my Bible to 1 Samuel 30 and read of the distress of David: the Amalekites had destroyed his city and taken his wives and daughters captive, along with the families of all his men. The people talked of stoning him. And what did he do? He “strengthened himself,” or “encouraged himself in the Lord.” (verse 6). What does this mean? This passage doesn’t specify, but if you read the Psalms, you can see it. Even when things were at their worst (perhaps especially so, in fact), David meditated on who God is: the goodness of God; His love; His faithfulness. He remembered how God had worked on his life: rescuing him from his enemies, keeping his promises, working all David’s circumstances for his good and for the fulfillment of God’s purposes. David also, even in his angst, put his hope in God and in His Word. He trusted God and believed He would see God’s goodness. He knew God would be faithful to His Word, so he focused on that rather than on his circumstances. This is what I have tried to train myself to do over the years (though I still have times when I’m not as good at it as I need to be).

And this is how we must encourage ourselves in the Lord when we don’t have others to share our burdens, when we stumble and don’t have someone to steady us, or when we get discouraged and need to re-focus. God is there. He sees and knows. He is our Helper in times of trouble. Hid Word does not return void. One of the best things I’ve done is to memorize God’s Word over the years. Reading is good, but memorizing is even better. I actually haven’t devoted much time to Scripture memory in recent years, but I was very faithful to it during my early years as a Christian and it has served me well. When I am discouraged or struggling and need to hear from the Lord, He speaks to me–usually through the Words that have been memorized over the years. And I am encouraged in the Lord. I put my hope in His promises.

Do you have a Scripture that you faithfully pray over your family, or a “life verse” that you remind yourself of regularly? Are you “encouraging yourself in the Lord” through regular times of reading and prayer? Are you reminding yourself often of what God has done in your life, trusting that He’s still at work in ways you don’t see?

Five Loaves and Two Fish, Mama-Style

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I was blogging a lot when we first moved to Kenya; it was quite a therapeutic way to process the transition and also to let folks know what was going on with our family. Slowly, I stopped, as life on the mission field got quite busy and I tried to get back into a new groove with homeschooling, which had been reduced to rather bare-bones with the move. I’m still not where I want to be in terms of homeschooling, but our oldest completed his GED last year at age 16, so I’m somewhat optimistic that we’re moving in the right direction.

IMG_0518Blogging when our children were young was easy; there were so many sweet moments I wanted to document. And when there were challenges, they were the small problems of small children (which don’t feel so small when you’re a weary Mom to many Littles, so I don’t say that lightly!) Now that they’re bigger children with bigger problems and there is privacy to protect, it’s hard to know what to say and what not to say in this space. But, I suppose I can talk about me, so if you’d give me the grace to do so, I’d like to share some thoughts as we have just welcomed blessing number 9 to our family, baby Joanna (born in September 2015).

Being a new Mom again at age 42, after 4-1/2 years of thinking that I was done with babies, has been an interesting experience. I always knew that children were a blessing, but Baby Joanna really feels like one! They say you can’t spoil a baby, but she is held more and loved more than any baby before her. There are few times I feel compelled to just let her cry, but those times that I do, one of her big sisters comes to her rescue! Not only do I have many hands to help with the baby, but also many hands to help with housework and meal preparation. It is a totally different experience than coming home with our first, second, third, fourth, and even fifth children! If you are a Mom of young children now, I promise you, it is so worth the investment in your children as you teach, train, encourage, and equip them with practical life skills and an attitude of service. It is tiring while you’re doing it (believe me, I know!)…that precept upon precept, capturing those “teachable moments” of correction (which usually happen at the most inconvenient times, or happen so often that you feel you get precious little else done!). BUT, perseverance has its perfect work and it is a blessing to see the fruit of years and labor in the Lord.

No, our children are not perfect; I would never claim that. But, neither am I. Yet I cling to the promise of a word that was spoken to me many years ago now. It was during a “revival”-type church service where a guest preacher brought a fiery sermon and ended with a very meaningful time of prayer. I had gone without my husband, who was away on business, and with my 5 young children, aged about 9 on down to 1. I don’t know what compelled me to go, since the service started just about when I would have been putting the kids down to bed. And all Mamas know that you just don’t mess with bed time. I went anyway…seeking more of the Lord and needing some encouragement, if I remember correctly. I fully expected at least two of the children to melt down, but 9:00 came and went and the evening went on in prayer. I figured I’d gotten as much as I would get (though I can’t even tell you now what the sermon was about), so I slipped out of the back row and started making toward the rear exit with all the children. I remember silently congratulating myself on the fact that we were doing so without disrupting the focused prayer that was in progress. Then, the speaker at the front of the sanctuary happened to lift his head as I looked up from one of my Littles at the back door. Our eyes met. He spoke rather loudly: “I have a word for you today!” and suddenly all heads lifted and all eyes were on me. I felt like I could have melted into the floor–and wanted to! But he came to the back where I was and spoke many encouraging words about children and family to me. He even spoke specific words over each of my older children. I wish I could remember them now. Bu then he came to me. He spoke about my weariness as if he knew. And these are the words I remember…words that have echoed over the years and continued to encourage me when things have been hard: “You’re not Super Woman! You’re not a super wife. You’re not a super mother. But what you can’t do, God can.”

I knew it to be true. I still know it to be true. And it’s not just true for me–it’s true for all of us! No matter where you are in this journey of mothering–physically weary Mom of Littles, or emotionally weary Mom of older children, certain of the outcome of your efforts (which sometimes God mercifully allows us to be), or uncertain…know that God can. Like the little boy who brought five loaves and two fish to Jesus, and ended up feeding a multitude, bring your offering every day to Jesus and know that He will do with it what you can’t. Bring your tear-wiping, your hugs, your pats on the back, the Bible-reading, the encouraging (even if you’re discouraged yourself), the kindness when you feel irritable…the list goes on and on. We do when we feel like we can’t do any more. We invest in what seems like a lost cause. We give out of our emptiness. And God knows. He takes those feeble efforts and does what only He can. I’m still living that, but I know it to be true. It’s true for me, and it’s true for you. Press on, Mama.

Our First Visit to Uganda as a Family!

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I’ll admit, I haven’t always enjoyed village life. At first, I struggled with the loss of my independence, having no car and not having much at all to do, particularly with the children (I mean, after all our “work” was done). I liked being able to jump in the car for an occasional outing to the local museums or parks. I certainly missed the local library. And I even missed grocery shopping and running errands, tedious as both could be with a bunch of children in tow. Although I had always been busy at home, village life took it to a whole new level. That was an admitted adjustment. But once I got used to it, I found a great deal of contentment in my circumstances and in my role as wife, homeschooling mom, and behind-the-scenes missionary.

Selling most of our possessions so that we could move to Kenya left us living a very simple life at first. That also took some getting used to. But by the time our small shipping crate finally came, several months after our arrival, I found that I didn’t really miss much of what was inside. Except the books, of course. I definitely appreciated having our small library once again, and certainly the added kitchenware was a blessing—even the Bosch mixer—but I had discovered that most of what I had considered “indispensable,” wasn’t. Village life…simple life…was growing on me.

Then there is the small-town feel of the village. I’ve always enjoyed rural living, but village life in Africa when you’re a mzungu is challenging. I can’t say I’ve ever been a fan of the village gossip, but it has been nice to know our neighbors and be able to keep abreast of what’s going on just by asking some questions of a few select people. At first we were an oddity among our neighbors and it seemed like half the village lived at our gate and gawked at us every time we stepped out the door. But, as with the other things, that too passed and now, though we’ll always be the wazungu, we’re left more or less to ourselves.

Since we’ve gotten a car and been able go into town a little more often, and especially since the coming of Nakumatt (*almost* a Superstore) about two years ago, village life has been a lot more bearable. But having more “things” available in town and easy access to them, has reminded me how much pull the world has. I have to remind myself that I don’t need more gadgets, the kids don’t need more toys, and our simple village market meals really are just fine, for the most part.

Recently we spent a couple weeks in Jinja, the second largest city in Uganda. Although it didn’t boast a “Superstore,” there were a lot of nice mzungu-style restaurants and a cheap-enough swimming resort along the Nile River that we got to enjoy a couple of times. Our days were spent in a very nice house on a YWAM base, where I did appreciate the convenience of a flushing toilet. But after all that, I have to say I was ready to go home…back to the village. I actually missed my choo (outdoor potty) because I was reminded that I did not miss cleaning toilets. I didn’t miss vacuuming carpets, either. I also appreciated anew the modesty of the village women.

One thing I found interesting was the YWAM dining hall. They serve three meals a day and it didn’t take us long to figure out that they don’t vary much from day to day. Breakfast was always a peanut butter sandwich with chai and a banana. Lunch was typically posho (boiled cornmeal, which we call ugali in Kenya) with a side of beans and plain pasta or potatoes. Supper was rice with beans, or rice with cowpeas, or (once a week) rice with meat, and a side of cabbage or sukuma (kale). Although breakfast got kind of boring, it was nutritious enough and…we got used to it. Lunch had a rather unusual combination of items (us not being used to eating beans or particularly pasta with our posho), but that, too, was filling and…we got used to it. Although in the village I’ve weaned us down to some simple meal options, we still have some variety when we go into town once a week or so, and we certainly didn’t eat the same thing every day. But I left the “big city” with a greater contentment about simple and repetitive meals, which I think was a good lesson for all of us.

We also picked up a new routine in Uganda. At the dining hall, they have a “bring your own” method of serving food, wherein every guest carries in their own plate and fork. There were basins set up just outside the dining hall with soapy water and rinsing water, where everyone exiting was responsible for washing their own plate and utensil. It took just a few minutes, but it amazed me that I never thought of doing such a thing at home. With dishes for 10 or more people, plus meal prep pots and utensils, washing dishes is a twice-daily chore that two children share and no one likes very much…it’s one of the few tasks that inspires grumbling at our house. We decided to set up basins in the sink so that everyone could wash their personal dishes after each meal, leaving only the meal prep dishes for chore time. With the reduction in overall dish-washing, we can assign only one person to the job, freeing up the second person for other tasks that might get neglected, and easing up the load over all. So far, I’m liking it!

Hannah and Joanna in Uganda. Joanna is three months old already!
Hannah and Joanna in Uganda. Joanna is three months old already!

Jonah's patience was rewarded as he got a Capuchin monkey to eat out of his hand! Very rewarding for our critter-loving son. :)
Jonah’s patience was rewarded as he got a Vervet monkey to eat out of his hand! Very exciting for our critter-loving son. 🙂

 

We went to Uganda to get our passports stamped, now that our 2-year work permits are approved. In Uganda, they actually keep your passports for this process, which left us stranded in-country until all was completed. It turned out to be a nice vacation for all of us, plus Marc and Nashon (our Kenyan brother) went out on some missions and looked for a future residence for our family.

Our plan is to continue to support the Kenya mission but share time with launching a Uganda mission. We’ll see how the Lord directs these transitions. For now, our two weeks away were very encouraging. Our fellowship’s deacon, Mzee Timothy, did an awesome job managing our food program for malnourished children and the medical needs in the community that the ministry supports, and overseeing the Sunday meeting. Our brother Lazarus, an overseer of our Bidii fellowship and an evangelist and teacher, went out regularly with one or two of the wazee (elders) from our Saboti church. Together, they continued to encourage and teach at the various fellowships and make sure that everything was running smoothly in our absence. A great test, which everyone passed with flying colors! God is good.

 

Self-Evaluation in Christian Parenting

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If you’ve been doing this parenting gig for any length of time, you know without our telling you that there’s no such thing as perfect children. Not only that, we’re never going to be perfect parents. So how do you know if what you’re doing is working? Is there any basis for evaluation until you’ve successfully raised your children…or discovered, too late, that they’ve got major character flaws, aren’t walking with the Lord, or can’t hold down a job once they’ve reached the magic “age of emancipation”?

We’ve always believed in “iterative parenting;” that is, ongoing self-evaluation in the target areas that we’ve self-defined as “successful Christian parenting.” These goals will obviously differ from family to family. For some, academic achievement is important so that their children will be able to successfully compete in the global marketplace. For others, it’s having children that will work well with their hands and be able to provide for themselves and their future families in this way. Some have specific spiritual goals and milestones they’d like their children to achieve (i.e., baptism) while others take a “wait and see” or “let them decide for themselves later” approach. Regardless of our long-term goals and how we feel we’re tracking in meeting them, there are always ongoing character issues that we see the need to work on, both in ourselves and our children (because, as we all know, the apples don’t fall far from the tree!).

Some character deficiencies  in our oldest son (now 16) were recently brought to our attention. And guess what? Because we practice iterative parenting and are constantly self-evaluating and making changes in ourselves and in our parenting, not one thing on that list was a surprise to us. In fact, we agreed with just about all of it. So what did we do? We shared the observations with our son and asked him to self-evaluate and make any changes he felt necessary, knowing that these character deficiencies were obvious to others and also to God. Does this mean we are failing, or have failed, in our parenting? Far from it. In fact, we were encouraged. Why? Because our son has made a commitment to following Christ. In sincere repentance, he has been baptized within the last year, and we’ve seen the fruit of true repentance in his life. Yes, he’s struggled with some things, and people can observe those weaknesses. But what others don’t see is our ongoing communication with our son regarding these issues; his desire to honor God in these areas; his active repentance, asking for forgiveness, and steady growth in grace to overcome in his areas of failure. So rather than admitting defeat in our parenting, we see much victory and are thankful for how God has guided us along the sometimes-difficult paths of Christian parenting.

And alongside our son, we’re growing too, because we know that (unfortunately) many of our children’s struggles, failings, and weaknesses come from things that we, as parents need to change in ourselves. How willing are we to humble ourselves and admit to this? How able are we to “forget what is behind” and “strain toward what is ahead,” pressing on toward perfection in Christ Jesus? (See Philippians 3:12-16)

Here are some honest questions that might help you in your ongoing sef-evaluation as a Christian parent. These are just a starting point; God and others may reveal others which are specific to your needs or circumstances.

  • Do our daily routines and activities reflect the priorities we profess?
  • Am I willing to do the hard things, and ask my children to do hard things, to overcome character deficiencies?
  • Am I consistently training my children in God’s Word and “practicing what I preach”?
  • When I fail to be the example I would like to be in my parenting, am I able to humble myself to my child or others, confess sins, and seek God for lasting change?
  • How open am I to receiving correction or suggestions from others?
If you like a more concrete approach to evaluation, take at look at our free “Family Planner for Character Growth and Development,” available for download here.

Remember that children’s growth in all areas is a process that requires patience, prayers, and ongoing effort on our part as parents. Though there are many things, both practical and spiritual, that we need to invest in and focus on, never forget the most important thing: bringing honor and glory to God and raising our children to do the same. I like how the apostle Paul viewed his work with the church in Galatia, with whom he was “perplexed” at the time of his letter writing: “My children, with whom I am again in labor until Christ is formed in you…” (see Galatians 4:19-20). Let us similarly encourage ourselves as parents; whether we are blessed or perplexed with how things appear with our children, we must continue on in the process of laboring for the formation of Christ in them. Blessings to you as you press on in your parenting, for God’s glory!

“Dirty Dozen” shopping list

valuesdr

After making it through our 30-day Local Food challenge, and deciding to make it a bit more permanent (but also a little more flexible), I’ve decided that I really like the simplicity of buying only a short list of food items each week and eating simple, somewhat repetitive meals. Granted, when  the subject of furlough came up in a recent conversation, we suddenly began discussing all the favorite eateries we might like to visit if we ever went back to America. Yeah…moments of weakness, but I digress.

I’m still pretty surprised that we seem to be doing so well on plus-or-minus 12 grocery items per week. What I think of as our “dirty dozen” includes staples from our grain storage: maize, beans, and rice, as well as items we can easily buy at the local shops: baking powder, salt, eggs, and milk.  We go to the market once a week for the remainder: tomatoes, peppers, onions, garlic, potatoes, and cabbage.  We’ve ended up making somewhat permanent exceptions for the following items, which we pick up in Kitale: a few seasonings (Italian seasoning, chili powder and cinnamon); Ghee or margarine; quality vegetable shortening (the locals call it “cooking fat,” and though we can buy it at the our neighborhood shops, it’s a bright yellow, sub-standard variety and I just can’t bring myself to use it unless I absolutely have to); and cocoa (for our morning hot chocolate, which is one of the few ways we get  milk into our diet on a daily basis…we have to boil it but then can’t refrigerate). We’ve gotten a little more flexible after the 30-day challenge and also occasionally have spaghetti…and pizza was a must-have for Hannah’s recent birthday celebration. I’m also trying to get fruit  once per week at the market, since the avocadoes and bananas that had been coming to our door somewhat regularly have now been out-of-season for a while.

Along with wanting to eat more locally/more inexpensively/more simply, we’ve also (within the past couple of months) eliminated beef and store-bought chicken from our diet. This was a decision made in light of Biblical teachings because of the culture we find ourselves in. We either slaughter a chicken or buy pork from the local butchery once a week, and recently we found a good source for mutton that we’ll probably have now and then.

Our “dirty dozen” shopping list and the resulting simplified food menus  have been good for our food budget but more than that, beneficial in reminding us that what we were once used to in terms of meals are certainly not “normal” to the vast majority of the rest of the world. It has also been a very helpful spiritual discipline in terms of conquering the flesh. We want to continue to challenge ourselves to be increasingly less indulgent in terms of food so that we will not find ourselves slaves to our stomachs. Throughout this process of streamlining, I have found myself thinking often of Finny Kuruvilla’s words in King Jesus Claims His Church (p. 205):

     The world and the media exert considerable force on our minds. Unless we are consciously resisting its pull, we will be prey. The world promotes stimulation and thrill-seeking through the palate. The world chases after a new delicacy and flavor with nearly every meal, fostering the lust of the flesh. Thus while all foods are clean and to be received with thanksgiving (Mark 7:19; 1 Tim. 4:4), believers should be content to eat simple and repetitive meals. This battle is more easily won if addressed early; one’s tastes are developed in childhood. Insofar as possible, parents should provide simple, nutritious meals that emphasize vegetables, legumes, and while grains, rather than fats, meats, and sweets. Restaurant patronage should be minimized to teach children contentment with simple home cooking. Few people think of these disciplines as connected to spiritual victory, but they surely are.

     …The connections between food, self-discipline, and spiritual power are profound.

They are profound, indeed…