The “Why” and “How” of Putting Your Kids to Work
We are blessed to have kids who contribute in a very measurable way to the smooth functioning of our home. That’s important when you have a family as large as ours. We’re also blessed to see the generally great attitudes that our children have toward their daily jobs.
However, these things didn’t just “happen.” We, as parents, had to train and encourage our children in this area, just as in every other area of their growth and development.
Why put your children to work? Well, besides the fact that it’s helpful for the management of the home in the short-term, think of the long-term benefits. What are we raising our children to do? Well, hopefully, to WORK. As adults, that’s our lot in life! Yes, we want our children to enjoy their childhood, but we have to prepare them for wage-earning adulthood. That starts at a very early age as we encourage the children to learn new tasks and contribute to the cleanliness of the home. If you give your children an allowance or payment for chores, this allows them to learn money management skills early in life, as well.
Working together as a family, with each member doing his or her part, also brings a sense of comaraderie. While playing together has its place (and its merits), our work gives us a common goal that really promotes team-building.
How do you put your children to work–especially if you haven’t started at a young enough age when children are most receptive to this type of training? Well, just do it! Sounds simple, but let’s think about some of the things that may help with this.
You’ve probably heard the expression, “The apples don’t fall far from the tree.” It’s a well-known saying because it’s true! So if you want your children to work diligently and have good attitudes toward their work, first you have to look in the mirror. Dads, do you come home and complain about your boss or talk about incidents at work in a negative ligt? Moms, do you drag your feet about keeping up with the house, or make comments like, “All I ever do is clean up after everyone else!” Unfortunately, we most often see our weaknesses as parents manifested in our children, rather than our strengths–so think about what you’re saying and doing as you go about your work and be willing to make any changes that may be necessary if you want to encourage your children to make progress in this area.
Once that important step has been tended to, then you can get to the more practical implementation. First, TRAIN your children properly in how to do any of the chores you will assign to them. This is key to experiencing success in this area. How would you feel if you were asked to do something but were not given the tools you needed, or the necessary instruction to make sure you knew how to do it properly? It would certainly be frustrating. So, no matter how much of an effort it is, or how difficult it seems for you as a parent to invest the time in training–think of what a pay-off there will be once you do the initial work that is required!
Start small children on small jobs. As soon as they can play with toys, they are old enough to pick them up. Even before our children can walk, we will bring the toy basket over to them and encourage them to “clean up” and put the toys in the basket when they are done playing. When I change a toddler’s diaper, she can throw it in the garbage. When I get her dressed, she can put her dirty clothes in the laundry. As young as 18 months, our children are helping their older siblings to unload the dishwasher (we keep all our dishes in a low and easily-accessible cabinet so that this task is easily done by even the littlest ones!). When it’s time to get ready to go somewhere, they can bring their shoes to Mom to be put on. They can throw things in the garbage as others go about with housekeeping chores. Every toddler loves to walk around with a broom, imagining that she is “helping”–so capitalize on this early imitation to encourage a love of work. Even if it’s not particularly helpful at first, it’s still instilling a positive lesson in your growing children.
As children age, provide them with more challenging jobs. Try to mix it up a little so they’re not always doing the same things. Our four-year-old recently was going through a really “whiny” phase and we decided to try to encourage her to do more “big girl” things. She was quickly trained on cleaning the bathroom sink and toilet and in changing her little sister’s diaper. Doing these different tasks–ones normally done by her older siblings–really helped her to show a little more maturity.
Let’s face it, we don’t all enjoy our work all the time! So if your children balk at one job in particular, perhaps have a sibling help them so they can enjoy some conversation while the work is getting done. Or, allow siblings to trade jobs with one another (as long as they can properly agree on this!) I try to put on some uplifting music during morning chore time, as well. This is also a good time for you, as a parent, to praise sincere effort and encourage the children to “work as for the Lord,” (Colossians 3:22-24) to stay diligent and do their best work (Proverbs 10:4), and to praise God for…all the things that are praiseworthy (even if the job at hand isn’t!–see Philippians 4:8).
Our favorite rule at “job time” comes straight from 2 Thessalonians 3:10 (NIV): “‘If a man will not work, he shall not eat'”–even our 2 year-old can quote this verse! We don’t eat breakfast (or snack, or dinner…whatever the next “meal” is) until everyone does their jobs. And when one child is done, he’s expected to go help a sibling to finish up their work (unless they’re not being diligent, of course–then they’re on their own, and the rest of us will eat without them. This doesn’t happen very often, but it does happen!)
What if the children complain? Well, personally–we try not to take it too personally. We all feel that way sometimes! But, it’s a good opportunity to encourage an attitude of praise. Remind them of what is praiseworthy. Remind them that you’re just doing your best as a parent to prepare them for a lifetime of work. Provide them with alternating periods of work and play or rest. A few minutes of relaxation on the couch, a read-aloud together, some free-play time, or just an enjoyable meal, can all be a reward for a job well done. Make sure to build blessings into the completion of work. Sometimes, when I see a child have a particularly good attitude toward his work, or if she is trying hard to do a thorough job, I’ll surprise them by offering them a little treat like a small candy or something. This goes a long way in encouraging children in their chores. But of course, words of praise are sometimes the best reward.
It’s important, too, that you are working along side of your children. Although you may not be doing the same job at the same time, if the children are doing chores, you should be busy, too, Mom! While sometimes I might want to use that time to tend to personal matters, it’s a good example to the children if we all engage in productive tasks together and work together to put our home in order. If the children complain about being asked to do something, I will gently point out what “I” am doing, and remind them that sometimes we all need to help each other. Usually they are quick to acknowledge this fact and are almost always willing helpers. On the other hand, what kind of example is it if I’m asking the children to do something simply for my convenience or because I’m too “lazy” to do it myself? Then they will feel “used,” and rightly so. It’s good for them to learn to serve, but they shouldn’t be made to be slaves! Chores that contribute to home management should be considered as “team-building” activities for the whole family.
You may find it helpful to post a family chore chart or other organizational tool so that everyone knows what they are expected to do each day. This really reduces stress for mom, particularly when there are lots of children in the house. It also may help to post a “clean room” checklist in a prominent location so that children can refer to the list to make sure they’ve done all the necessary steps for each task. When Mom does a “quality control check,” there are usually fewer things to correct if children have pre-emptive reminders in place. Visit our Web site at http://www.valuesdrivenfamily.com/ for free chore chart downloads and other practical tools for the family.
Please comment if you have anything that’s been particularly helpful in your home when it comes to the sometimes-challenging area of children and chores!
We are having trouble with our son. He so often gets side-tracked from his chores and school work. I have been using “If a man will not work, he shall not eat”. Thanks for your encouragement.
Hi Rebecca,
God has really shown us the importance of dealing with character issues BEFORE dealing with behavioral issues. Too often, we are quick to focus on what the children are “doing” (or not doing), but what God really means for us to focus on in any given situation is the child’s BEING.
Our job, as parents, is to help our children to grow in Christlikeness. This is done most often through the trials of life–not just through Bible reading, etc. They can gain head-knowledge of the Word but it’s real life that brings the Word from the head to the heart–and that’s where God wants it. So instead of thinking, “What’s the problem, and how do I deal with it?” perhaps you might ask, “What does God want to bring to light here? How can this situation be used to disciple my child and lead him closer to the Lord?”
Thinking in this way has slowly but surely brought some real changes to our family, and even the spiritual atmosphere of our home. We’re realizing the limitations of our “control” as parents and learning to rely totally on God’s power. True worshipers worship in Spirit AND Truth. We can lay down the letter of the law but we want God’s law to be on our children’s hearts–so the heart should always be our focus as we teach, train, and even discipline.
I have to be honest, one of my biggest struggles as a mom has been with my oldest son’s attitude. Frankly, it’s really easy to give him an attitude right back! (But I have to be the grown up, don’t I?!) So instead of disciplining the attitude or beating him over the head with Bible verses (which I easily could do, and have tried to do!), instead God has shown me a better way.
It involves persistent encouragement (a gentle answer turns away wrath). It involves compassion (“Yes, I understand why you might feel that way. I get frustrated, too, sometimes.”) It also involves discipline sometimes–but discipline in love, not just to punish the behavior.
Punishment says, “You can’t behave that way. I’m going to spank you so you’ll want to do better.” Discipline says, “I don’t really care if your math assignment…or you chore…(or whatever) gets done or not. I care that you have a Godly attitude about whatever God asks you to do in life. I care that you learn to be diligent so that you honor God by working hard with your hands. I recommend that you pray and seek God’s help to grow in this area. I can encourage you with some Scriptures. But if you continue to choose your way rather than God’s way, I will do my part and discipline you. Why? Because I love you so much, I want you to experience the blessings that come from obedience to His Word.”
Granted, we don’t need to give a 5-point sermon on every disciplinary issue. But, hopefully you will see the obvious point–it’s easy to focus on the behavior but it’s more important to pray for spiritual wisdom and see what it is God wants us to be working on. And He probably doesn’t much care if our bathroom gets cleaned by our DS today or not.
We share in “The Values-Driven Family” how God’s Word and Christlikeness can be summed up in twelve distinct character traits (or, “core values”). For us, these core values have been a compass that consistently points us in the direction of Christlikeness on a daily basis. So in the middle of a disciplinary issue, I can simply refer to the character trait or value that I know God wants my children (or myself) to focus on: diligence… love… faithfulness… surrender (that’s the “attitude!”) …praise…??? No sermon needed–just a quick “core value” reference and they know what I’m talking about! We can point to verses on the wall (yes, we have them painted up there!) or take out our binder of Scripture verses to reinforce why each of these is of value to God, and how we exhibit these characteristics in our day-to-day walk with the Lord.
I hope you will take advantage of our free downloads and print out the verses associated with each of these “core values.” They are great for topical Bible teaching and are invaluable references for those everyday “teachable moments!”
Sorry, this was a really LOOOONG answer to a really brief comment. Thanks for your encouragement & God bless you!
Cindy
I often have a hard time with this area. As a homeschooling mom of 3, ages 5,3 &1, somedays are eaiser than others. After we’ve eaten and gotten school done, with all the energy it’s taken to do the above mentioned, I’m pooped. It’s eaiser for me to just quickly finish up the rest of the chores myself-even though I know that this is not good for my kids. I have a small vaccume that my older 2 like to help with, while I use the bigger one, but aside from that It’s just a struggle to get them to even clean their rooms! Any advice on how to start a routine with my kids?
Hi there,
I have a lot of respect for your desire to make progress in this area. It’s not easy to do when you are overwhelmed with so many young children! Working with children these ages demands patience and persistence in training. The good news is, they usually are eager to help out and want to please Mom and Dad!
My suggestion, at this stage, would actually be to back off on more formal “schooling” for a while if it is too much to balance with home management & simply being there for (and enjoying) your little ones.
In our experience, it has been most helpful to focus these early years on training, which has included chores and helping out around the house. Once a foundation of obedience, diligence, etc. have been laid,the child has a more mature character that lends itself to academic success. On the other hand, if the important foundations are overlooked, no amount of curriculum is going to compensate for it! So view taking “time out” for training in this area as an investment, not a sacrifice. You can always catch up on academics–that’s why you homeschool (all day, every day–not just 180 days a year!).
With children of these ages, you will want to start by simply encouraging them to join you as you go about various tasks. Model a good attitude. Smile. Talk to your kids while you work. Sing songs or play some music. And, show them HOW to do jobs: fold laundry (starting with towels or sorting socks/underwear); sweep a floor thoroughly; vacuum in rows across a carpet; spray and wipe the table after a meal; even (for your 5 year-old), how to clean the bathroom sink and toilet.
Did I mention that this takes patience and perseverence? But your children will start out wanting to work because they are working with YOU! They want to imitate you, and they want to please you. Use this to your advantage. Praise them for progress rather then criticizing shortcomings. They’ll do consistently better each time they do a job! Don’t expect them to clean at an adult standard–they are, after all, only children. If they are capable of doing a good job, and don’t, then have them re-do their work. If they’re doing their best work, you may just have to fix up some odds & ends during your “quality control check.” Simply encourage them to pay more attention to (“whatever”) next time. But don’t forget to praise them for their sincere effort and for the things that look GOOD.
Everyone working for 30-45 minutes in the morning and about the same in the afternoon is sufficient for us to keep up with basic home management. This may vary for other households. And of course, it’ll always be easier for you to do it yourself at first–but, as you said, it’s not “best” for anyone! So work for that half-hour with a goal in mind, then sit down and read some good books together. (This counts as “school” for your five year-old :)). Repeat in the afternoon.
I find it helpful to keep one year-olds close by so I can make sure they’re not undoing everyone else’s work. Alternatively, a playpen…or the highchair with some toys on the tray. Whatever works to minimize the potential chaos, particularly while you are in the training phase.
Hope this helps some. Good luck, and keep pressing on!
Cindy
P.S.–Don’t kick off your training by focusing on the cleaning of bedrooms. Just shut the door for a while. That’s one area we STILL have to work on with our older boys. What is it about kids and bedrooms?! 🙂
Excellent post. 🙂
hi – i am new to your blog & i have four kids ages 8 – 1. wondered if you could tell me about room sharing at your home with respect to cleaning. i welcome anyone's comments on the subject! thanks!
Hi Ami,
Our boys share a room and our girls do as well. We attack cleaning in different ways at different times. Typically, though, each child is responsible for cleaning up his or her own mess and for maintaining their own desk area. When there is a common mess, such as from playing with certain toys together, it gets put away by everyone. The once-weekly "whole room cleaning" (including vacuuming, dusting as needed, etc.) gets alternated between the children.
Laundry is supposed to get put in the washer as-needed by anyone who decides to take responsibility for it, but typically they wait until they have "no clean clothes" and then I just pick someone arbitrarily to begin the process.
This seems to work well for us, although I will be the first to say that sometimes I just close the bedroom doors. While the rest of the house manages to stay neat, for some reason the bedrooms seem to invite mess and clutter. But that is where all of the "projects" are relegated to, for the most part, AND we have several children who love to save all kinds of stuff–so it's hard to find a place for everything and keep everything in its place! I guess there's some price to be paid for encouraging the kids to be creative with their time and pursue independent ventures.
The "clean room" thing has sometimes been a battle but I'm learning to be less controlling about how things look in "their" space. I have to admit that my desktop often gets overrun…that's "my" space and I suppose I often have more important things to do than keep it neat as a pin, LOL. And very often the kids will be in the middle of a game or project and my husband or I will ask them to do something…which leads to something else…and then maybe it's meal time. And suddenly I peek in their room and think, "why is it such a mess in there?!" So I have to make sure that they have time to keep things clean, or else change my expectations.
So I've made a short answer long…hope you've found something helpful (*smile*).