In Christian circles, there’s lots of talk about what some would term “patriarchy”–that is, the “father-led” family. Biblically speaking, fathers have been designated to lead the family and are responsible for its function. Unfortunately, in the course of human history, men have oftentimes abused this God-given role and, in knee-jerk fashion, society has shifted some of that burden onto women.
The father-led family isn’t to say that women aren’t capable, or in fact aren’t vital to the health of the family unit. It’s just to say that men and women have different roles. Not better or worse; not important and less-important; just different. And mutual respect is crucial as we (as husbands and wives, fathers and mothers) live out our biblical callings within the family.
The reason I bring this up is because a recent event in the Carrier home provided a neat illustration of this “father-led” family ideal.
I told our two older boys that it was “room cleaning day” and ran down some of the responsibilities associated with the job: clean off the bureaus except for a few things they wished to display; organize the desk drawers and clear off the desk tops; clean under the bed; and clear and vacuum the floor.
After cleaning for approximately 30 minutes, my older son came upstairs. I asked if he was done. He replied, “Yes. But I paid Jo some money and gave him one of my arrows if he would vacuum the floor and clean up the mess of books that the girls left in our room.” I said, “Are you aware that the responsibility for the condition of the room is still yours, even if your brother doesn’t do an adequate job?” To which he responded, “Yes, and I will double-check his work when he is finished.” I said, “Good! Just make sure that when you are both done, your work will pass my inspection.”
That is what happened. And the work passed my inspection. While his brother dutifully did some of the extra room-cleaning chores, my oldest worked on a pet project that he’d had percolating in his mind all morning. Then I put him to work setting the table for breakfast and helping to get food on the table. So he didn’t exactly get a reprieve from all work, even though he wrangled his way out of some of the more distasteful chores that were part of his initial assignment. Frankly, he’s not that good at vacuuming, anyway–his brother has much greater attention to detail in that area :).
And as it played out, I could clearly see this as a great example of how the “father-led” family works. Here, the two brothers each had a job to do. Yet the older (who usually is the more assertive) arranged for the younger to do some additional tasks on his behalf. However, the oldest was still responsible for the final condition of his part of the room–even if his brother had done the work.
In the same way, men are uniquely tasked by God to lead the family. They have the authority to make decisions. But they also have the authority to delegate. Yet it does not mean that women do not have a voice; it doesn’t mean that they are doormats. And in the final analysis (because of this authority), men are ultimately responsible for how they lead their families in the Lord, and if they are faithful to His ways.
Here’s an excerpt from our first book, The Values-Driven Family, that shares our perspective on this issue. (And, as an aside, we invite you to join us every Tuesday and Friday [starting this Tuesday, February 12], when we’ll blog the book from beginning to end!) Anyway, here’s the excerpt:
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On our family journey, leadership is one of the important elements that we are wise to address before we even start the car. Biblically, family leadership is a father’s responsibility. Dad is in the driver’s seat on the journey to family success.
Joshua was the leader of the nation of Israel and also the leader of his own family. A mighty servant of God, he exhorted the nation of Israel to “…choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve.” As the decision-maker for his family, he then stated, “as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD” (Joshua 24:15). This decision is as relevant today as it was in ancient history. God calls us, as Christian fathers and family leaders, to choose to serve him wholeheartedly.
Unfortunately, the time-honored, Biblical design for the family has become increasingly skewed as society has changed over time. Today, the role of childrearing is more often seen as a mother’s responsibility. To be sure, mothers are uniquely suited to bearing and nurturing children; it is for this reason that God designed the marriage relationship. However, women were given as “helpers” rather than leaders within the family unit (see Genesis 2:18, Genesis 2:20-24). While mothers have a role in raising children, it is fathers who bear the responsibility. Ladies, that’s the good news! The news you may not want to hear is that with responsibility comes authority (Genesis 3:16).
Generally speaking, it is unfair to hold someone accountable for things over which they have no control. Therefore, since husbands are given responsibility for the family, they are also granted the authority to make decisions as to how the family will be provided for, educated, governed, and the like. A wife’s role, then, is as God said: to help and support her husband in his endeavors. After all, he has an awesome responsibility that he can’t manage alone.
God gave Adam the task of working the garden of Eden, but said that it was “not good” for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18)—this is the only time in the Creation account that God made this statement. In fact, only when God had made both man and woman did he call his work “very good” (Genesis 1:31). In light of these Scriptures and based on his study of the Hebrew term for helpmate, which is ezer, a friend of ours offered a good analogy to illustrate the role of the woman as a helpmate. Imagine you are working on a house project, and your 5-year old comes and asks, “Daddy, can I help?” You might respond, “Um, well, sure. Hold that screwdriver for me and hand it to me when I need it, OK?” Do you really need the “help”? No. But it is a form of help nonetheless.
Alternatively, suppose that you are hiking with a partner and you lose your footing, slipping down a steep cliff. You grasp onto a rock outcropping and are dangling in mid-air. You cannot pull yourself up in your own strength…you need help! So your partner runs over, gives you his hand, and pulls you up. This second example of “help” is more in line with the definition of “helpmate” than the first. God gave woman to man as an able-bodied assistant—as one who would make him complete; hopefully this simple illustration will help men to honor and respect their wives’ roles and contributions within the family unit.
Using the journey analogy, we can simply summarize the Biblical teaching this way: mothers are passengers in the car. They are in the front seat alongside of their husbands and they act as co-navigators, but they’re not driving. In fact, if they try to control the route by jerking the wheel or stomping on the brake pedal, you can expect an accident. Not only that, but if the second-in-command becomes a “backseat driver,” no one enjoys the journey!
This father-led family is certainly the Biblical ideal, and God designed it that way for his good purposes. With that said, however, there are circumstances in life that may render a family unable to follow this traditional model. While the role of a single parent (father, mother, or other primary caregiver) will, by default, be that much more difficult than a two-parent model, it’s not impossible for you, as a single parent, to successfully emancipate your children and receive God’s blessings by following his ways.
If you find yourself in such a situation, rest assured that the principles and systems that we share here can still be applied to your family. You will likely have to make additional sacrifices that a two-parent household may not have to. Equally as likely, your task will often seem like an even greater burden. Look for others who can help share your load, and turn to the One who is the source of our strength. He has promised to be a father to the fatherless and to look after the orphan and widow; God has great compassion on all who turn to him for help in their time of need (see, for example, Deuteronomy 10:18, Psalm 10:14, Isaiah 54:4-6).
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To be sure, the “father-led family” can be a controversial topic, even among Christians. So that’s our two cents on the Scriptures, and on how the biblical principles can play out practically in the home. God bless you as you strive for God’s best in this area.