I’ve posted before about my strong-willed daughter (here and here…and here, too); our oldest son has a bit of a strong will as well, although any “issues” we have with him as a result of his personality are few and far between these days.

In a recent email communication, one mom commented, “what is your advice for that “strong willed” child. I know you had mentioned that you have one and I do too and have had a hard time dealing with it!! …any advice would be so helpful and greatly appreciated!!!” I decided to sit down and address that one at some length, then figured I might as well post it to the blog. I hope you will add any of your ideas that might be helpful to other moms and dads with strong-willed children.

Easy things you might already be doing:

1. Offer choices when possible. Don’t make everything a matter of the child’s choice, but when possible, give some freedom: what to have for lunch, which game to play, whether to do dishes or laundry for his or her daily chore, or whether to start the homeschool day with Math or Language Arts. These choices, when offered within reason, allow the child to make choices over non-essential things so that when you (the parent) need to ask something that does not involve choice, there is more willingness to comply because of the give-and-take.

   However, do not let this strong-willed child question your authority when decisions need to be made. If I have a habit of letting the child “choose” certain things but see that he/she is being rebellious, I will often remove the freedom to choose. Children should be aware that they exercise freedom within boundaries, and that their privilege in this area is just that–a privilege. They should understand that rules are for their benefit, and that they are blessed when they show respect to their parents.

2. Establish solid routines: I believe that all children, and those strong-willed ones in particular, thrive on routine. Not necessarily a firm schedule, but a good routine. Children benefit from understanding expectations and knowing when their times of work (and the reward of play) will be. A good routine will include short periods of work (30 minutes or so), followed by about 10 minutes of “rest”/down-time if possible. This may include reading a book, playing an active game, making a quick phone call, or sitting down with a cup of water or juice (which in our house is always watered down!) 🙂

   If you have younger children, don’t let their will dictate whether or not they will take an afternoon nap. Little kids need naps–or at the very least, an enforced “rest period.” They don’t know that they need it, but they do. My strong-willed 5 year-old still naps every other day, but she would rarely choose to do that. However, after going “no nap” at age 5, I saw that she really needed the alternate-day rest period and implementing this scheduled nap has made days much less dramatic for everyone.

   Make sure your routine includes breaks for snacks or hydration as well. Don’t over-do the snacks, and make sure they’re healthy–but hydration in particular can make a great difference in mood.

3. 5-minute warning: Every child (but, again, those strong-willed ones in particular) appreciates having a 5-minute warning when an activity is coming to an end–especially if they are having fun. But let your “five minutes” be pretty close to an actual 5 minutes, or they’ll learn not to take you seriously.

The “more important” things:

Doing the “practical” things above will likely help keep the battle of wills from becoming an issue quite so often. However, I’ve found that focusing in the externals (the “doings”) very often misses the heart. It’s kind of like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. Instead, there are some deeper and more intensive things that will get to the heart of the issue of will–these are the “spiritual” steps that will have a more lasting impact.

1. Pray. Perhaps obvious, but don’t neglect to do it. Pray for your own (parents’) wisdom in every situation. Pray not just for your child to be submissive or obedient, but for all of you to learn to have an eternal perspective about daily events and grow in your relationship with the Lord so that love, unity, and His glory would be everyone’s ultimate objective in every situation.

   Pray with and for your children. Ask them how you can pray for them, and pray aloud with them.

2. Focus on the eternal and the important. It’s easy to make mountains out of molehills and succumb to the “tyranny of the urgent.” When you’re involved in a battle of wills, the temptation is to think that you must “win” the battle–but if your focus is not where it should be, you may lose the war. It’s not worth it! Think first, about what God’s desire is for each and every incident, and how you can glorify Him. Think about how you can grow through trials, and how you can encourage your child to do the same. Pick your battles.

3. Build relationships. Don’t let your child’s strong will determine how you will view him or her. Resist the impulse to label him (even in your mind) as “the trouble maker,” “the difficult one” or something. See him as a unique individual with God-given gifts, and loved by God. Find the good. Spend time building your relationship with this child in a positive way so that when you do have to provide correction, it will be more than balanced by loving and joyful interactions. Find out your child’s “love language” and focus on those areas, but always look for little ways that you can express caring.

   Don’t engage in relationship-building activities contingent upon your child’s “performance.” They need your time and attention, regardless of their behavior. In fact, their behavior might be improved if you make it a point to regularly invest in them.

   Decide to give grace sometimes, and “reward” a child with special time or a special treat because you love them, not because they deserve it. I don’t even mind pointing out to my children that these “little blessings” I occasionally bestow on them aren’t merited…but just because I love them.

4. Encourage. It’s easy to pounce on the bad attitudes, the disobedience, the forgetfulness, and all the other wrong behaviors. But don’t forget to liberally encourage. And by that I don’t mean the “puffed-up,” artificial self-esteem type of stuff. Encourage them about what they are doing that shows progress, pleases the Lord, or blesses others. There’s almost always something good about every situation, if you can find it.

5. Disciple, with grace. Model good attitudes, patient endurance, and cheerful service for your children. Then you will earn the right to disciple them in these areas when they struggle.

   Proactively teach God’s Word and help everyone in the family to apply it to real-life situations, especially in relation to attitude (but also, by extension, anger and other emotional outbursts). Through this consistent exercise, you can create a more consistently joyful home atmosphere. Your strong-willed child, in particular, needs this foundation! If you have read and discussed applicable verses during family time, it becomes simply a reminder to the children when attitudes or anger flare, to share one of the verses in an encouraging manner and say something like, “This is what we talked about the other day (or last week, or whenever)…this is one situation where you can choose to obey God’s Word.”

   The approach of meditating on God’s Word and using it during life’s “teachable moments” is not an instant-fix, but it gets to the heart and will prove more effective than other “band-aids” in the long run. The consistent teaching and application of the Scriptures has been the one thing that I would say has affected the most change in the atmosphere of our home and in dealing with our strong-willed children. So I encourage you to turn to God’s Word to correct bad attitudes and other outbursts in your home; pray with and for your children as you minister the encouragement of the Word and trust God that His Word will not return void!

Feel free to comment about anything that has worked in your home; this post is by no means exhaustive. 🙂

If you’re at all familiar with Values-Driven, some things should be obvious: we take very seriously our parental duties of training, encouraging, and disciplining our children. We also have a discipleship focus and desire to show them a lifestyle of loving and serving the Lord. We have proactive things that we “do” to support each of these aspects of biblical parenting, but we also are well aware of the necessity of bathing our efforts in prayer. In the past few days, we’ve had a couple of instances which have also reminded us of the blessing of seeing the Holy Spirit work–God doing His part as we do ours.

When it comes to disciplining our 5 year-old daughter, Marc and I often joke that she has an iron backside and a will to match. Everything she does is dramatic–including her repentance. Once there is breakthrough, her sorrow is heartfelt and genuine. The change in her behavior is instantaneous–the Holy Spirit has obviously been doing something. Those are the moments that make it all worth it.

The other day, I saw the Holy Spirit at work when we were unaware. On Saturday morning, our 10 year-old son *sighed* about coming in for family devotions because he was anxious to try out the new bow he’d gotten as an early Christmas present from his Uncle and Aunt. Marc reminded him that nothing should come between him and his relationship with the Lord and casually said, “If anything comes between you and God, maybe you should give it away.” The reminder helped him to adjust his focus and we carried on with Bible reading and prayer as usual.

Later in the afternoon, my 5 year-old daughter was helping me cook supper. While we stood at the stove, she confessed, “Before when you asked me to do some cleaning up in my room, Hannah [her sister] did it all because I was playing with my new doll set.” (Her magnetic “dress up” doll, also an early Christmas gift from another Aunt!). “And remember what Dad said about giving things away if they come between you and God? Well, I thought I liked my set too much. And I don’t think Bekah’s [her older sister] is as nice as mine. So I asked Bekah to trade sets with me so I wouldn’t disobey you when you asked me to do something.”

After thanking her for sharing her heart and encouraging her about her decision–reminding her how much that pleased God–I had to remind myself, she’s only 5! How long did it take me to arrive at a willingness to intentionally give up things that would distract me from loving and serving the Lord? And we, as parents, had really done nothing to prompt it; it was simply the work of the Holy Spirit. All I can do is praise God!

Likewise, our ten year-0ld son came to me yesterday morning after our family devotions and said, “I’d really like prayer. I want to get back to living moment-by-moment and I know I need God’s help.” This makes sense if you’ve read the free ebook we offer on our site, Keys to Kingdom Expansion. It talks about not living “day by day,” but rather, moment by moment, purposefully living each moment to please and glorify God with the choices we make–our thoughts, our words, and our actions. Our boy has taken this to heart, but obviously felt like he had been slipping of late and needed God’s grace and power to help him in this area. Again, this was an internal struggle of which we, as parents, had been relatively unaware. His behavior hadn’t reflected any significant change; he hadn’t been receiving any more correction than usual nor seemed “off” in any way. But the Holy Spirit had obviously been working in him to persevere in walking in a manner worthy of our Lord and Savior…so of course we prayed for his cooperation in that effort.

I don’t share these stories to say anything about our parenting–hopefully you can see that these stories of God’s work in our children’s lives and spiritual growth have very little to do with us and our efforts. Instead, I share this to encourage you to remember that as we work, God works. Don’t forget to pray for your children and ask God to work in your children’s hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to lead and guide them into all truth. Encourage your children to “do” what they can to cooperate with God, but also to listen for the promptings of the Holy Spirit–through the Word, through other godly Christians, or through the “still small voice” inside of them. Remind them that it’s important to listen to the Holy Spirit and obey, so that the voice of God will get LOUDER and not be drowned out by the world or by the lusts of their flesh.

Likewise, as we disciple our children in this area, I pray that we all, as parents, would model this lifestyle of listening and obeying, so that we might all the more glorify God, moment by moment.