We’ve probably all heard the expression, children should be seen and not heard. But in America, I don’t see that as being true. Most parents are concerned with teaching their children proper respect and manners, but children are generally integrated into social situations and taught to interact appropriately with different types of people in various situations.
As we were reading a “Culture” book about Kenya in preparation for our move, it noted that the adage children should be seen and not heard was generally alive and well here. I wondered how our children would compare with theirs. Wonder no more–our children are most certainly seen and heard.
Kenyan children, even while at play, generally do not yell and scream (at least from what I have heard). Even the babies seem quiet; they are carried, held, and nursed what seems constantly and are quite content for the most part. The only time I have heard a baby cry is early in the morning, upon their waking (our neighbors are all quite close, so not much is secret!). When adults are conversing, children generally sit quietly with their parents or in the background. They seem not to seek entertainment but patiently endure what must be quite boring.
In contrast, while adults are talking, our children may be asked to sit quietly for a while, which they do without complaint, but at some point we will excuse them.Once released, they will wander off into another room or outside, where their happy-but-loud noise generally carries throughout the house (one benefit of having no ceilings and a tin roof!). I hesitate to reprimand them, but the difference is certainly marked. I’m not sure how our Kenyan counterparts react to our children’s ways, but at the same time I don’t know to what extent we will try to conform their behavior.
What is your feeling about children being seen and not heard? Is it better for children to be brought up under this expectation–what are the advantages and disadvantages, for them, for the family, and for society? To what extent would you try to train (or re-train) your children if a cultural or social expectation was at odds with your practices?
Before moving to Kenya, we’d spent at least six months trying to transition our diet to something simpler, knowing that we would not be making a lot of fancy recipes once here. We tried our hand at making chapati with vegetables and other foods that we would have available at our local markets. One food that we did not try out was ugali, a known staple. Isaiah had visited Kenya with Marc in the Fall and came back with nothing but complaints about ugali (because they don’t even make it with any salt!). However, it didn’t take long for us to realize that any dinner made without ugali is really considered just a snack.
So, yesterday a neighborhood girl came to show me how to make ugali–which is really very simple. You boil water, add cornmeal until it “looks right,” (pretty thick, indeed) then cook it until it is not too sticky to touch. It ends up like dry mashed potatoes. But before showing me the art of ugali, she asked, “Do you have a cooking stick?” Which apparently was essential, because when I showed her my fancy American cooking utensils, you could almost see her turn up her nose in disdain. She went home to fetch a cooking stick, and after eating ugali (to the delight of all the children minus Isaiah), she returned with a gift just for me:
Because you can’t make ugali without it, apparently!
Our potty is a hole in the ground. At first, the littles couldn’t handle the idea of hovering and doing their business over a hole. So we improvised with our bucket potty. They have since acclimated to not using it, though. Here is a photo:
I have a photo of our new family kitten Tiger. Cute cat, but she meows ALL NIGHT! Got its first flea bath this morning.
Following are pictures (in no particular order) of Cindy’s propane stove, her sink with no faucet, the solar panel on the roof near the chimney, the children’s bicycles, house photos, the battery setup, loitering children, and the girl’s bedroom with mosquito nets.
Here is a video of the second training session. The third session, which was not filmed, was the funniest. I set up a table and line up the children in jackets and shoes with passports and tickets and all bags. Then they in single file took off coats and shoes, placed them in a tray, set their bags on the table and proceeded. They then positioned for the scanner which I simulated with sound effects and puffs of air (over the top realism) and then they gathered their stuff and put on their jackets and shoes. They did remarkably good. My confidence is high that they will do fine.
Granted, our house has not always been neat-as-a-pin with eight active, homeschooling children constantly involved in projects and play of one kind or another (sometimes the daily AM and PM chore times don’t come fast enough for this mama!). Even so, as I’ve looked around our house the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to the conclusion that the chaos has reached new heights. We moved from our house to my father-in-law’s, while simultaneously sorting through our possessions to pack our shipping crate and backpacks/suitcases/bins for the trip to Africa in (gulp!) just a week and a half now. Here are some recent photos (which, for the record, show MUCH IMPROVEMENT over just days ago):
Boxes (and stuff) to be sorted in the living roomIn the dining room: filling and labeling boxes to be packed in the shipping crateFinally, some organization! Suitcases, bins, and backpacks in the master bedroom.The baby is still having fun in the middle of it all!
We’ve written before about the importance of child training in various areas: lining up, doing chores, baby care, and so on. We have a new “training module” in the Carrier family: navigating the airport. The children are already trained to line up quietly in order to take directions (good for walking through the parking lot or any other public place). Now, we’re working on putting on the backpacks and doing the same. After a couple of days of this, we’ll add the wheelie bags to the routine and see how we might do at getting ourselves through a crowded airport. Less than two weeks and counting down to Kenya! Here’s the video…try to ignore the chaotic mess left behind as we sort and pack our possessions (but that’ll be another post). 🙂
As parents, we all want to give good things to our children and see them growing up strong in the Lord–particularly in areas where we ourselves have been weak. But of course, there are inevitably those negative character traits, harmful appetites, and so on that we unintentionally transmit. Then there are genetics and environmental influences that often don’t work in our favor. And I don’t even want to open the Pandora’s box of “generational curses.” Some days I ponder this reality and I can only be tremendously grateful for God’s grace.
This morning we got to laughing over which of the kids had “Dad’s feet” (really cute Flinstone feet) versus “Mom’s feet” (umm, not-so-cute). Which turned into a discussion of who among them had “Dad’s nose” versus what we call a “Starkey nose” (a “larger” nose, of course from my side of the family). And then there were even a few comments about teeth, in which I also came out quite the loser by comparison. Thankfully, I can call a spade a spade and my physical flaws no longer bother me so much.
What did bother me was a conversation I had later in the day with one of my children, who often has problems with school assignments and sometimes struggles to have a good attitude and remain diligent. This particular child has made a lot of progress in this area, but today the lesson (being something new), combined with the self-induced pressure of feeling “behind” and the frustration of contemplating not having any free time because school work would take so long, brought on some bouts of tears which said child tried very hard to control, but which (upon further contemplation of the facts at hand) sprang up again within a short time.
I told this child about a Scripture that I often meditate upon when I am discouraged. It comes from 1 Samuel 30, where we read about a very challenging situation that King David is facing; and the text sums it up this way:
“And David was greatly distressed…but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God. ” (1 Samuel 30:6)
With that, I recommended that this child remain encouraged in God’s presence and in His ability to comfort, strengthen, and enable us for the task at hand. I almost left it at that. I like to keep things simple, knowing that God will continue to speak to my children’s hearts in the absence of my many words. Instead, I decided to share a little bit about my history of depression, and how I have (with God’s help) experienced victory in that area of my life. I thought it would be helpful to share a couple of strategies for dealing with discouragement, and a little bit of personal testimony often helps a message hit its mark.
I began quite simply with a question: “Do you know what depression is?” And after the “I think so” response I explained it, just for clarification: “Depression is when you feel discouraged or very sad, and sometimes it’s hard to stop feeling that way, even though a lot of times you can think of lots of reasons why you should be able to be happy.” And then I was going to move on to simply offer a couple of tips on how to cope with negative emotions, which I was sure would be helpful. But there I was interrupted, with a comment that made my heart sink: “Yeah, I get like that, too.”
Really, I thought so. I saw that this child had a personality like mine, a predisposition to those negative emotions that “run in the family.” Still, I hoped against hope that this sweet soul wouldn’t have the same struggles that I have had. But, I am thankful that I am in a position to truly disciple this child through difficult moments, with understanding, with love, and…with hope of victory. Because there is victory!
Several years ago now, when I was going through a season of struggling with depression, I deeply appreciated the message of this song (“Keep Singing,” by Mercy Me):
Though I’ve not had any bouts with depression in quite a long time, there has been some “warfare” in that area lately. I’ve had to be on my guard and in prayer. And I keep asking God, as the lyrics to this song ask, “Can I climb up in your lap? I don’t want to leave…” Discouragement doesn’t stay around long when you envision yourself climbing into the lap of the Father who loves you and keeps your soul (Psalm 121). By His grace, we truly can “encourage [ourselves] in the Lord,” as David did, and experience victory even when things are overwhelmingly discouraging. I am so thankful for His compassion, and also grateful that I can share the hope of this journey with my child.
With the move to Kenya in February not just sneaking up on us but really more like bearing down upon us like a freight train, you’d understand if I told you some of what’s been going on and how I’ve been feeling. But, for the sake of brevity (and so as not to bore you), I don’t really want to go into all the detail.
Suffice it to say, there have been moments of stress, anxiety, doubt, and discouragement, alternating with excitement, peace, and joy. An interesting combination and quite the roller coaster ride. Mixed in with all the emotions are, of course, the sometimes-overwhelming practical things that need to get accomplished on a stricter and stricter timeline. Add to that the fact that on a day-to-day basis, I’m trying to keep routines and tasks as consistent as possible for the children, so we’re still schooling, still trying to enjoy *some* down time, and so on. Yet when things are “too” normal, I tend to feel stressed because there’s so much to do that isn’t getting done. (sigh.)
Yesterday was difficult for me. Somehow, every “little” thing (which I suppose I normally wouldn’t have trouble handling) seemed magnified by my rather raw emotions and the fact that the baby has been frequently getting up at night and I’ve not been sleeping very well. (Tiredness never helps!) And as has been the case more and more frequently lately, I ended the day thinking, Today, I don’t think I did as good as I should have, but I certainly didn’t do as bad as I could have! Which is not a really good place to be–though I’m tempted to pat myself on the back over my spiritual “progress,” if the truth be told.
But I press on.
And I’m chewing on this, as I wrestle with some things that, in the final analysis, are probably quite “little and common”:
“In temptations and troubles a man is proved, what progress he hath made, and therein is his reward the greater, and his virtue doth the more appear. Nor is it a great thing if a man be devout and zealous so long as he suffereth no affliction; but if he behave himself patiently in the time of adversity, then there is hope of great progress. Some are kept safe from great temptations, but are overtaken in those which are little and common, that the humiliation may teach them not to trust to themselves in great things, being weak in small things.”
Thomas A Kempis, The Imitation of Christ
