Author: valuesdr

"I’ve been trying really hard to do it God’s way…"

valuesdr

Yesterday was “one of those days.” Can’t explain why exactly, but it just seemed like everything took longer than it needed to, involved more arguing, whining, and complaining than usual, and…ultimately resulted in me yelling at the children, which we all HATE. Of course, the words were barely out of my mouth when I apologized and tried to re-set things. Even so, I ended the day feeling discouraged for a variety of reasons, the least of which was because I was feeling like the children just weren’t “getting it.”

You know what I mean…it seems like we invest so much, so constantly in our children. We want to impart in them a godly character, but we want that not to come from duty but out of a heart of love that is surrendered to Christ. That’s a lofty goal for little ones, to be sure, and I’m usually pretty realistic in my expectations. Even so, I felt like even my older children were struggling more than usual and I was exhausted by the effort.

The kids knew I was discouraged. After our evening time of prayer and Bible reading, my nine year-old son put his head in my lap and said, “Mom, I’ve been trying really hard to do it God’s way.” But then he kind of chuckled and said, “Well, not really, I guess I just do pretty good most of the time.” And he’s right…he is usually pretty compliant and quiet. He encourages his siblings to do what’s expected of them. He “goes with the program” pretty well. On the other hand, I can readily admit that I have a few other children who are not like that. If they’re not really striving to please the Lord, it is more than obvious in their behavior.

This made me realize how easy it is for me to let our quiet kids “off the hook,” in the sense that they don’t go through as many “teachable moments” as their other siblings. They don’t consistently get called on the carpet for their misdeeds (or worse yet, I don’t always address occasional troubles with their “heart condition,” because it doesn’t necessarily result in acting-out behaviors). I have to admit, in the hustle-and-bustle of every day, I tend to correct the obvious problems and let the “little things” slide. Trouble is, it’s usually my quiet kids that do the “little things.” As a result, I don’t think they’re as likely to be “convicted” and see their sin as sin, because they’re comparatively “better” than others…and likely, they have a harder time understanding their need for repentance. But, as I told my son upon reflection this morning, Hell is going to be full of a lot “good” people.

I hope that as parents, we will all challenge ourselves with this understanding and apply it well as we disciple our children in the Lord.

The Infamous "Sand Fit"

valuesdr

I’m so bad about blogging regularly. We’re moving at the speed of life here, and so often I do not feel as though our daily doings are that inspiring. And, I’d rather focus on discipling my children and whatever else the Lord would have me do than just filling up words in cyberspace. But every once in a while I know there’s something I just need to share…and the infamous “Sand Fit” is one of those things.

Our 16 month-old daughter is so sweet and such a joy…it melted my heart when she started giving really slobbery kisses at about 14 months, and we all cheered her big accomplishment of learning to throw garbage in the garbage can at about the same time. She was learning to respond to the word “NO,” particularly when it came to keeping her little fingers out of the cat food dish. Of course, as she gets older there are a few other things she’s told “NO” about, like putting things in electrical sockets and climbing up on top of boxes that are precariously perched. For the most part, she’s learned to obey when she’s told “NO,” but she doesn’t always like it. So she sometimes lets us know how she feels…in a “passive-aggressive” sort of way. 😉

Once in a while, she’ll be told “NO”…and she’ll obey…but she’ll protest a bit by throwing a “fit.” She already knows better than to scream and cry, so she’ll simply throw herself on the floor and plant her head down in front of her–in a way that has always reminded me of an ostrich burying its head in the sand. Eventually I coax her out of it and ask her to come put her head in my lap to hug, pat, and reconcile. She’s happy to oblige and then we carry on as normal.

Over Columbus Day weekend we were blessed to enjoy a brief family vacation at the beach. Everyone had a blast–even Jubilee! She dug in the sand, walked on the beach, splashed in the water, and watched the big kids play with kites. Of course, I insisted that she stay close to me and our usual spot was pretty high up on the beach, away from the water and waves.

At one point we were up on the beach and everyone else was down in the water. She wanted to follow along but was told “NO,” because I was enjoying a conversation with my sister and didn’t really want to interrupt it to move down to the water. Jubilee obeyed, but she wasn’t happy. So imagine a sunscreen-coated (literally from head to foot!) 16 month-old stopping, throwing herself down in the sand, and burying her head in quiet protest! I unfortunately didn’t have my camera on hand but my sister captured the moment and later emailed me the infamous “sand fit” photos. They still make me smile.

Head in the sand.


Coming to Mom.


Reconciliation and comfort.

Sorry, I don’t have any pictures of the clean up. That was not fun!

Cover up or Clean up?

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In order to protect the innocent, I’m not using real names in this story…but I want to tell you about a man named “Fred.”

Fred grew up in a home where his mom and sisters were in charge of the domestic sphere. In other words, the boys did “guy” things and the girls cooked and cleaned. Not surprisingly, Fred views housework as “women’s work.” Not a problem for Fred…he got married and his wife took on that role. That is, until they divorced. So what did Fred do? Not much. He cooked some simple meals because he got hungry, but otherwise the house just followed the natural order of things, moving from a state of order to disorder. He had a couple of boys  who did dishes and occasional chores, just to avoid total embarrassment if their friends came over.

Now the boys are grown, so what does Fred do? He lets dishes pile up in the sink. When he needs one or two, he washes them. It’s rare that he washes the whole sink full; just the ones he needs will suffice.

Fred’s sheets and mattress start to get a little smelly. What does he do? Sprays some extra strength Febreeze, of course.

And those flies continually populating around the garbage can and open containers of recyclables? Spray them with Black Flag flying insect killer!

Running out of clean clothes? It’s easier to just buy some new ones.

When it gets bad enough, the solution? Hire some help; get someone else to deal with the overwhelming mess!

No, this isn’t an indictment against Fred for laziness or even for what some might consider “chauvenistic” views on the roles of men and women. Instead, I want you to think about how you responded to Fred’s “solutions.” Did you think to yourself, “Why not just keep the garbage area cleaner if you want to eliminate pesky flies?”, or  “Spray Febreeze on dirty sheets! How disgusting! Why not just throw them in the washing machine?” Easy enough, right?

But how often do we all follow a similar pattern in our own lives, about things perhaps less obvious? When our children are disobedient, instead of correcting them and teaching them how important it is to obey God by obeying their parents, we make excuses. (“Oh, he’s been a little sick lately. He’s really not himself.” “We’ve been out of our usual routines, so she’s really acting up.”) Why do we do this? Sometimes it is a result of laziness. Or, we think these are just “little things” and we don’t want to make a big issue out of them. Trouble is, it’s like piling up garbage and half-rinsed recyclables. Eventually the flies start populating the kitchen and we find ourselves getting out nasty chemicals when all we had to do to avoid it was to keep up with the mess, little-by-little.

Or in our own personal lives, we allow little sins to creep in, which become like dirty sheets becoming smellier and smellier as the little sins snowball into bigger ones–all easily excusable until the stain and odor become overwhelming. Maybe we start by allowing ourselves to express our irritation by speaking harshly to the children. Soon, we are raising our voices and yelling. Then, we become angry and snap, “Are you stupid?” to a child who accidentally spills the milk or makes some other inconvenient mess. Little by little we have justified our actions and covered up these steps of sin, and yet now the words of Jesus remind us,

But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca, ‘ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. (Matthew 5:22)

So instead of “covering over” our sins until they become a noisome stench, why don’t we just repent? Moment-by-moment, confess those things which are displeasing to God. Seek the grace of God that He gives so that we might grow in holiness and do the things that glorify Him. Let’s toss those proverbial sheets in the washing machine instead of spraying the Febreeze and hoping no one will notice.

I am striving to stay “clean,” not just in my home management but in my spiritual life and parenting as well. Instead of letting things pile up, I’m trying to do regular maintenance to avoid those radical “solutions” that really just amount to putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. This means being consistent in discipling (“discipling,” not just “disciplining”) my children; being proactive in maintaining relationships; and especially abiding in Christ–seeking to walk in a manner worthy and repenting when I realize that I have fallen short.

I just want to encourage you today…don’t be a “Fred” in any area of your life! 🙂

Blood Diamonds

valuesdr

This evening in conversation, Marc shared about part of a documentary he had seen on TV at his dad’s, called “Blood Diamonds,” and how many of the diamonds in jewelry that we purchase are bought  not just with our money, but literally with someone else’s blood. The majority of the world’s diamonds come from Africa, and (this just according to Wikipedia), these gems are often “mined in a war zone and sold to finance an insurgency, invading army’s war efforts, or a warlord’s activity.” People who live in areas where diamonds are found are often dismembered to chase them off the land so that someone else can profit. Sure makes jewelry shopping a little more sobering of a reality, doesn’t it?

This is just one more thing that personally challenges us (see this post for more recent thoughts) and reminds us why Jesus said,

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” (Matthew 6:19-20)

It also brings to mind 1 John 2:15: ” Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”

Does that mean we shouldn’t have and enjoy “things,” like jewelry? That’s a loaded question. But when faced with the reality of how others suffer so we can show off a new bauble, would Jesus approve? I don’t suppose I have the answers; just sharing my questions.

Having Fun and Enjoying Motherhood

valuesdr

Last night we watched some videos from when our oldest was three and his brother was one. It was some sweet memories. As I thought upon that time in my life, I was kind of wistful over what I felt was now somewhat missing.

I used to have more fun with the children.

We painted with spray bottles full of watered down paint outside. We covered the dining room floor with butcher paper and fingerpainted…body painted! We dabbled in shaving cream, played silly games, and danced.

Many children and much “life” later, I find that we don’t do so much of this stuff. I wondered, can I get back to that enjoyment of life…that fun stuff…with my kids?

And I realized that while, in some ways, I would like to, I thought about where I was during that time…and I had to admit that even though we had lots of “fun” together, I did not really enjoy being a Mom. And, even though my children had lots of experiences…we all had to admit that my oldest displayed a lot of brattiness (and disobedience) in the series of videos that we watched.

So, although doing those things seemed good to me at first blush, I had to admit that the “doings” didn’t promote our overall goals of parenting; nor was I the Mom I wanted to be, in spite of it all.

However, the videos did remind me that we all need to enjoy life more together. We’ve been busy lately…with gardening, canning, now back-to-schooling…and I don’t want the “doings” of life to interfere with our “being” together. Unfortunately, that happens sometimes.

Several of the children have been asking me when we can make “edible playdough” again. I think we will do that today. 🙂 What can you say “YES” to, to enjoy one another and enjoy motherhood today?

Work, Work, and More Work?

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Here’s a story (title: “Worck Today”) written yesterday by my seven year-old:

Some days it just feels like it’s work, work, and more work, doesn’t it? I commented about the girl’s smiling face, and my daughter said, “Work is fun! We work a lot.” My husband and I have been getting a good chuckle out of this one. And, no, we don’t actually have a horse. The rest is pretty accurate, though. 🙂

Words of Life or Death?

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Last night at Bible study, Marc made a comment which we all discussed for some time. He said, “The Words of Jesus bring both life and death…life to the Spirit and death to the flesh.”

As we strive to glorify God and walk in the commands of Christ, by necessity we put to death our flesh. It is painful. We often have to give up things that are near and dear to us; sometimes relationships with family or friends are severed, other times we have to give up worldly pleasures, ideas, and even allegiances. We also have to put behind our sins and pursue holiness. We may be misunderstood, excluded, and even persecuted.

But of course we know where the death of the flesh leads…to the Life that is truly life.

“‘You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.'” (John 6:67-69)

Missed Opportunity

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I always assumed that if God had prepared good works in advance for us to do, it was a given that we would accomplish them. As of yesterday, I’m not so sure.

I was running errands and ended up thinking I was going home before I was actually ready to go home, so I got on the highway going the wrong way. I got off the next exit to turn around, and there was a man there holding a cardboard sign that I couldn’t read. Whether he was homeless or out of work and in need I couldn’t tell (traffic was moving and the sign was small) but I felt a burden to do something. However, we don’t necessarily give money in such situations, and I didn’t have food or even our usual New Testament or Keys to Kingdom Expansion in the car. I was turning around to go back to Wal-Mart, though, so I figured I’d get something there and come back to the same spot on my way home.

At Wal-Mart, I picked up a deli sandwich, a couple of bananas, a few snacks, and a cold drink. I even threw a really-bad-for-you cookies & cream freezer shake into the cart. I couldn’t imagine standing outside on such a miserable, hot day. (It was 90 degrees at 10 AM and the humidity terrible!) I did the rest of the shopping I needed to do within about 30 minutes and hoped that the man would still be there when I got back.

Despite my feeling of hurry, I began to dawdle. I was without children–a rarity–and so I began to look at the Back-to-School supplies. I didn’t think we would need anything, but…you never know. On my way up to the register, I passed by the appliance section and wistfully thought about my Bissell Perfect Sweep that had recently broken…I really wanted to replace it. So I looked at all the different models of floor sweepers. And, yes, I suppose I was coveting them. Did I even plan on buying one? No, it wasn’t in the budget and I supposed I could do without a replacement. Then (still on my way to the register), I passed by the clearance aisle. I stopped to look. Of course, I didn’t buy anything, but you can’t pass by a good deal, can you?

Now it had been over an hour, a lot of that time taken up, quite frankly, by my own selfishness. I was enjoying the time to myself…looking, planning, and (yes) coveting…and really just wasting time. And, as it turns out, wasting the opportunity.

By the time I got through the line and got out to the car, hunted up a pen to write a note and some Bible verses to put in the bag, and went back to the original spot, the man was not there. Somehow, I wasn’t surprised. I drove around other places in that area where we had seen homeless folks, and there was no one.

The Lord convicted me that I had totally failed to redeem the time and make the most of the opportunity that I knew was there. Instead of being obedient to do what was of eternal significance, I squandered precious moments on my fleshly desires. Of course I had to repent.

And this morning as I was somewhere between wakefulness and sleep, the Lord put this Word on my heart: “I have not found your deeds completed in the sight of my God.” So I opened my Bible there to read this morning:

“I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you.” (Revelation 3:1-3)

Ouch! I wondered how many other opportunities I have missed to do good and glorify God…things that He has intended for me to do that I have messed up by following after my selfish desires. Opportunities to disciple my children, gone as I sit in front of the computer, perhaps? Opportunities to minister to folks in our community by inviting them for a meal, ruined by my grumbling and bad attitude as I clean house in preparation? I would like to say that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (which is true) but, that Scripture in its entirety says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1) And I know in what manner I was walking yesterday.

Dear friends, let us strive to make the most of every opportunity today, to glorify our Lord!

The Essence of Discipleship

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In Christian circles (and especially among homeschoolers) there is a great emphasis on discipleship. What exactly does that mean? I found it interesting that according to Dictionary.com, disciple in modern use is most commonly a noun. Here is one definition:

a person who is a pupil or an adherent of the doctrines of another; follower.

On the other hand, there are two definitions in the verb form for disciple, one listed as “obsolete” and the other noted as “archaic.” Here is one:

Obsolete. to teach; train.

Do you see the difference? In its archaic (more traditional) sense, a disciple is made through teaching and training–a hands-on investment of one life into another. In the modern use, there is some sense of “teaching,” but to me the definition speaks more of one who simply agrees with the doctrines or teachings of another; it can be informational rather than transformational.

Jesus commands us to

“go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.”

His interest is not in making converts or intellectual adherents. His desire is that we each would take a personal interest in the life of another and show them how to live a life worthy of, and pleasing to, Christ.

This is on my mind because of a particularly good illustration today. All of our garden potatoes and tomatoes were suddenly hit with blight. My husband decided to run to town and get some spray to try to save them, but while he was gone he needed the older children to cut off the blight-affected leaves. He gave them brief instructions and showed them a few pictures on the Internet of what they should be looking for. Then, he got in the car and left.

Since he was in town he did some other shopping that needed to be done, so it was a while before he returned. He expected to see most of the lower leaves removed (as that was where the damage was localized). Instead, however, he discovered that the children had only attended to six plants–but those six plants were severely cropped, to the point that they will likely not survive. The children had cut off not only the blight but also many (if not most) of the healthy leaves and even some branches. They had worked diligently, believing that they were doing the right thing, but they had probably done more harm than good.

So what’s the lesson? It would have been better for my husband to do what he usually does: go into the garden with them and show them the areas they needed to pay attention to. Work with them for a while, see how they performed with some supervision and encouragement, then release them to work independently. Unfortunately, he was in a bit of a rush and thought that an “informational exchange” would be sufficient. In this case, it wasn’t.

My oldest son was the one who brought the discipleship analogy to my attention. When he came in after his Dad had gotten home and surveyed the disappointing damage, he commented, “Well, this is a good example of what discipleship means. Dad should have probably showed us what to do more so that we wouldn’t have messed up. I think it’s the same as making disciples for Jesus. We can’t expect people to learn just by telling them things.”

We can’t expect people to learn just by telling them things. And that is what Christian discipleship is all about.

One-Word Description

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During our last convention trip, as we were all cooped up in the trailer, I decided to take out a card game that we play once in a while, called “The Art of Conversation.” Each card contains a “conversation starter” question and the rules of the game teach–you guessed it!–the art of conversation.

I picked a question for my five year old daughter that asked, “What one word would you use to describe yourself?” Almost before I got a chance to finish the question, I got several replies from the other children, responding about the one I had asked. In defiance of all of the “rules” of The Art of Conversation, one sibling yelled, “Bossy!” and another said, “Loud!” I thought to myself, and then said out loud, “That is really an unkind way to describe your sister. Let’s give her a chance to answer the question.” I asked it again and waited for her response.

Now, this particular child is pretty loud. And sometimes bossy. She also has a good sense of humor. I actually could see her describing herself as “loud” without a problem, since having a “gentle and quiet spirit” is something she gets a lot of reminders about. I kind of expected her to do it, just to get a laugh. (And, quite honestly, that might have been the first adjective that popped into my mind as well.) But very quietly, she said,

“Helper.“

And I was surprised that I had never really seen her that way. At least, that’s not the dominant trait that I would have focused on in describing her. And yet, it is true. She’s a very willing helper. She enjoys helping me and helping her siblings. It gives her a sense of accomplishment and confidence in what she is able to do. I know that she also enjoys helping me because it gives us a chance to spend some “quality time” together. She always asks to help, almost always serves cheerfully, and normally goes above and beyond in the quality of work that she does. I was sorry that this wasn’t the first thing that I had thought of in asking such a question of my daughter.

This little question-and-answer has been on my mind a lot lately. I’m continually reminded of how easy it is to “label” a particular person, especially in a negative sense, rather than focusing on the good. And we all know what self-fulfilling prophecies words can be. So, I ask you, what “word” do you associate with each of your children, or your husband, in particular? How does that affect how you interact with them? Do you think that your assessment manifests itself in the way that you behave toward other people in your family? Perhaps more pointedly, I wonder what our “labeling” of others says about us.

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45)

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)