Category: child training

What is Discipleship, anyway?!

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I went to bed at a decent time but found myself up and unable to sleep at about 3 AM. So of course, I went downstairs to download some MP3 audios that I’ve been waiting to listen to. (My ISP has download limits and if we exceed them, our connection is basically shot for 24 hours–yuck!–but we have “free download time”/no limits from 3AM to 6AM. That usually doesn’t mean anything to me, but since I was up anyway…)

Also checked my email and heard from a friend, which was nice. I was glad to have the time to email a lengthy response (there finally being few distractions in the middle of the night, after all…) And the email REQUIRED a lengthy response, because my friend was basically looking for “my” take on DISCIPLESHIP…asking, basically, “What is discipleship, anyway?” Oh, that’s a loaded question! Thought some of you might wonder the same thing…so I figured that since I did the work of putting together my thoughts, I might as well post them here, for what it’s worth. 🙂

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Basically, the word “disciple” (as a verb) means to teach or train. Jesus had twelve disciples that he taught/trained, and His goal was that they would be like Him. Our goal in discipling our children is for them to be like JESUS! However, our biggest problem is our concept of teaching and training. For Jesus, discipleship was a “do as I do” model. In the Hebrew culture, students “lived with” their teachers/”masters” so that they would SEE them live…speak…and put their “teachings” into practice. This model takes time…Jesus was with His disciples for three years, and we know that Paul spent some time in various cities—mostly to invest in this “discipleship” process. I like how the apostle Paul described the process: “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1).

HOWEVER, we have been indoctrinated with a Greek philosophy of education, which replaces the hands-on, “doing life together” model with a knowledge-based model of “teaching”—i.e., lessons of words, readings, etc. These are pretty good at imparting “head knowledge,” but the DOING is difficult because there is not much encouragement for application by example.

When we consider what it means to disciple our children, our goal is to return to the model that Jesus gave us…to keep our children near to us so that they can see our example. To be authentic with our children when we fall short…to teach them about repentance and perseverance in our faith. Essentially, to fulfill the command of Deuteronomy 6:6-7: “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” The idea, though, is not just to “talk,” but to talk about what we’re LIVING and how God wants our children to live.

Training in obedience usually results from being consistent with discipline (I have to admit that, unlike you, we have shown more inconsistency than I’d like in this area!) Training in Christlike character (which is the heart of discipleship, really) is more difficult because it targets the heart, not just outward behavior. While we like to look at behaviors because they’re easier to “correct” and we can see faster results, God cares about the HEART, and that’s the target of this discipleship process…the process of living what we believe and showing our children how THEY can do the same. It takes more time to see results this way, but the results are at the heart-level and so are longer-lasting. Children’s obedience to God’s commands (and our Biblical instruction) doesn’t just come from their conformity due to negative consequences, but it comes from the heart because they desire to live a life that is pleasing to God.

Where I have probably fallen down with discipleship lately (in my “muddling” season!) is in that I have come “disconnected” with my kids. Because Biblical discipleship is a “do as I do” process, we have to invest TIME with our kids…and it’s all too easy to shuffle them off to one place or another, put in a video to get some quiet time for ourselves, or just fill the days with “meaningless” activity just to keep everyone occupied. Likewise, easier to discipline behaviors than to disciple them…that means, instead of “just” providing a consequence for negative behaviors (which often is necessary), we have to invest sometime in talking about things and encourage the children with what God’s Word has to say. Going back to Deuteronomy 6:6-7, this means that WE (parents) have to have God’s “commandments” UPON OUR HEARTS so that we can impart them to our children.

So what does discipleship “look” like? Well, for me it means “explaining” to my children WHAT I’m doing and WHY…not just “being” an example, but showing them my heart. If I’m frustrated, I try to step back and not just apologize, but tell they WHY I’m sorry—because I know that I’m not showing the “patient and kind” love that God wants me to. I explain to them the importance of repentance…the grace of God…and the power of the Holy Spirit that can help us change direction when we’re getting off-track. If I find myself complaining, I eventually get to the point where I say, “God really wants us to have an attitude of praise, not a complaining spirit. When we grumble against our circumstances, we’re grumbling against God—like the Israelites who complained against Moses in the wilderness!” So I find a way to make each of my complaints a PRAISE, and ask the kids to help me out. They can “see” my thought process and how “I” apply God’s Word to my circumstances, to get from where I am to where God wants me to be. They “see” how to live out their faith.

As far as discipling them through THEIR negative behaviors, I “TRY” to be encouraging with the Word rather than punitive (nobody likes to get beat over the head with a Bible!)…there are verses that they may hear a lot (about loving one another, serving one another in love, encouraging one another with their speech…various verses on how to avoid and/or deal with arguments, etc.) and I just keep bringing them up any time they are needed. I trust that eventually they’ll work into the kids’ hearts. And I love now that they’re getting older, we can TALK about their life circumstances, decisions, etc. and THEY can begin to apply God’s Word. With our guidance to help them see the “whole” of Scripture and understand and God’s truth, THEY can see how it applies to their lives. But we can’t do that unless they’re close to us and we’re aware of what’s going on in their lives. Connectedness is so important to the discipleship process!

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I ended this by reminding my friend that our most-referenced verses–and then some!–are put together in our Values-Driven Discipleship manual…feel free to check it out. 🙂

Conversations…

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All this week I’ve been squirreled away in the office downstairs virtually all day. Marc wants me to edit his new book so that we can get preview copies ready for January, which puts us on a pretty tight timeline. Since I’ve been busy with that project, he has been managing the home and children and doing the homeschooling. Interesting change of events, to say the least. On the one hand, a nice break for me; on the other hand, I miss the usual activity and having all my little ones around me all day. I look for excuses to go upstairs off and on throughout the day. 🙂

I had to relate a conversation I had with Deborah, our three year-old, late yesterday afternoon during one of my impromptu visits upstairs. The children had just finished their afternoon jobs.

We are finally recovering from our annual “ladybug infestation,” which is the result of having a soy field in our front yard. Every year, right after the fields are harvested, the displaced ladybugs start to look for new homes–and our home happens to be nice and warm, as it begins to get chilly outside! They find their way in through cracks in the windows, log walls…who knows? But here they are. We vacuum them, usually. But many just come in and die of natural causes, so there are tons of little ladybug carcasses lying around for a couple of weeks in the late fall.

ANYWAY, I’m making a short story long… Deborah’s job yesterday was to clean up the carcasses that have been littering the stairs going from the main level up to our lofted master bedroom. I have a really hard time using the vacuum on the stairs, so Daddy asked Deborah to use the little broom and dustpan to sweep them up. Unfortunately, the broom thing wasn’t really working for her on the carpeted stairs–so she decided to pick them all up BY HAND! Daddy was impressed with her diligence and complimented her immensely. But here is our afternoon conversation about it all–I do WISH you could have HEARD her. She has soooo much personality!! Try to imagine the inflection (and her passion), OK?:

Deborah: OH! MOM!! I did my HARDEST JOB EVER today!! I picked up ladybugs off of your stairs ONLY WITH MY HANDS. It took me a REAL LONG TIME and I didn’t like it at all!! It was my WORST JOB!

Me: (with a laugh and a smile…she’s so cute!), “Aren’t you supposed to ‘work with all your heart, as working for the Lord’?”

Deborah: OH! I DID!! I actually LOVED my job…I just didn’t really like it. Not at all! But I LOVED it!!

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Then, there was a really nice conversation with my sweetie as we got ready for bed last night. 🙂

I’m in my first trimester…you know, the totally tired weeks…and have been feeling really bad that lately we put the kids to bed and I’m ready to go upstairs and fall right asleep. Usually Marc and I have some good time together before we finally head to bed, but I’ve barely managed to keep my eyes open lately. So last night as we were tooth-brushing, I said, “I’m sorry I’ve been so tired and blah lately!”

His response: “Are you kidding? You’re a blessing! After spending all this time with the kids this week, I’m realizing how much you do around here!”

Awwwwwwww…..

The Benefits of Essential Daily Routines

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Back-to-school time! It can be a stretch for everyone to get back into the habit of schooling. Even if you homeschool and “school all year,” there’s still a special laid-back feeling to summer. Getting everyone going again in the Fall can be a challenge. And if your house is anything like ours, new routines are often met with resistance (or, better stated, bad attitudes). In a previous newsletter, we talked about organizing time with routines rather than a schedule, so this time I thought it would be helpful to take a look at some of the more specific routines that we have found helpful to integrate into our days.

We had been only slightly out of these “routines” this summer, as we took a bona fide summer vacation for once. I finished up my Defeating Depression audio seminar and worked on some other things that I have wanted to get to for a while. The children enjoyed the free time outside and at the pool, and pursued some creative projects of their own as well. But then, we were radically out of the usual routines during our 10-day trip across the country to CT and Canada for visits with family. We began to see some negative attitudes and behaviors after this prolonged departure from “the usual”, and we knew the time had come to get back to the basics!

You may be experiencing a bit of this in your home as you get your children back to school. Even if not, we’d like to share with you some of the elements that we have proactively set in place, to help keep things running smoothly and to battle bad attitudes before they rear their ugly heads. These help us all deal with life’s ups and downs with a little more equilibrium. The daily routines that we have found most helpful are: family devotions, personal Bible reading and prayer, chore times, daily training times, and character training.

You will notice that “school time” is not one of the routines. Yes, this needs to be part of your time organization/schedule if you homeschool, but it is not one of the essential foundations. The essential foundations have more to do with being than with doing—and these are the things that affect our attitudes the most. By attending to these “first things first,” academic routines and other “doings” are a lot easier on everyone.

For us, each day starts with family devotions. We get together in the living room and spend a short time reading the Bible and praying together. There’s no “magic” to it, and no particular formula—but when we don’t get our day started off on the right foot with this routine, it usually isn’t long before we realize we’ve missed it! I love the words of Psalm 5:3: “In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” As we focus on the Lord in the morning, we certainly go into the day “expecting” God’s presence and His answer to prayer. You can read more specifically about our family’s devotional routines in this comprehensive excerpt from The Values-Driven Family. Of all of our daily routines, this is one of the most important.

As well, individual family members try to set aside personal time with the Lord. I usually manage to get up a bit earlier than everyone else, and I love the “quiet time!” The children all have Bible and prayer time after breakfast, older children with their Bibles and younger children with storybook versions. The pre-readers often convene on the upstairs couch to “read” Bible stories together and discuss them with me; my older boys usually separate to the bedroom or downstairs couch so the little ones don’t disturb them. I try not to be legalistic about the children having this time, as I don’t want to make Bible reading seem like a punishment or a burden; rather, we began this routine with a gentle daily encouragement: “Why don’t we all grab a Bible and read for a few minutes, to see what God has for us today!” I also don’t associate any “rules” or assignments with this time. I have told the children that I sometimes use a journal in my quiet time, other times copy down and memorize Bible verses, sometimes study with a concordance, or otherwise just read. Much as my own devotional time varies, so does theirs. I may ask them about their quiet time or what they have read, but there is no pressure to perform. This has made daily times with the Lord a happier habit for everyone to develop.

Another proactive part of our daily routines that keeps things on a consistently even keel is chore time. It takes some time to train the children in doing chores, but with patience, good modeling, positive encouragement, and (later) quality-control checks, it is an investment well worth the pay-off. We talked about children and chores in a previous newsletter, and also have a small section of The Values-Driven Family devoted to the topic. Daily chore times are a good habit that helps to maintain a general sense of order and peace in the home. With this structure and these work habits in place, other “doings” (such as school routines) are met with less resistance when they are introduced.

Daily training times are one of my favorite routines. (We have been totally out of this routine almost all summer, and it is painfully obvious.) Sometimes our daily training times are brief (5 minutes) and sometimes they are as much as a half-hour in length—but they are always beneficial. Any time we see something that needs work (or if we want to proactively address certain areas so as not to get to that point), we engage in a fun and enjoyable “training time” to address these topics. We train in safety issues, like fire escape and what to do if you get lost from Mom or Dad in a public place. We train in manners (how to interrupt adult conversations politely, saying “please” and “thank you” and table manners). Other training topics include: picking up toys, putting away toys, shoes, or toothbrushes in their proper places, and even baby care. Click here to read more about this topic (straight from The Values-Driven Family), including practical child training tips and techniques. Or, read our article, “The Softer Side of Child Training” for a condensed version.

We also try to consistently focus on character training. We capitalize on everyday “teachable moments” and bring the Scriptures into our everyday experiences. While this is not a “routine,” per se, it is arguably one of the most valuable habits that we have developed. Family devotions and personal Bible time are important, but learning to view everyday actions, reactions, and decisions in the light of God’s Word has most powerfully affected our childrens’ heart attitudes, character, and (ultimately) behaviors. One way that we do try to make character training more of a routine is to use the “Core Value Progress Chart” every evening with our children, to encourage their growth in Christlikeness and discuss ways they can improve in doing things “God’s way.”

Coupled with these basic routines, we also make a habit of “relationship building” with our children. If we fail to maintain a heart-connection with our kids, all of our other efforts may be in vain as we strive to raise them to love and serve the Lord. A book we read quite some time ago which was most helpful in shaping our thoughts on this topic is Keeping our Children’s Hearts by Steve and Teri Maxwell.

If you find it difficult to introduce new “doings” into your family’s daily schedule, or if you encounter bad attitudes in response to your requests, perhaps you will find it helpful to take a step back to focus on some of these essential foundations. Implementing daily family devotional times, having personal time with the Lord, attending to chores on a daily basis, and training both in practical matters and in character, all reap great rewards as family members strive to grow in Christ together.

Good parenting article

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Read a great parenting article by Steve Nelson of Premediated Parenting.

There is lots of good advice on his web site. His book is great as well.

I also urge you to take a look at his series on “Chicken Evangelism.” It’s humorous, serious, and convicting, all at the same time. You can find the series on our sister blog at www.greatcommissionfamily.blogspot.com.

Summer Fun–Children and Chores?

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A while back we touched on the topic of summer fun–because, of course, everyone wants some good ideas for filling that extra time, right?

Well, now, how about putting your kids to work? 🙂

A quick tip for a good way to spend some of your extra time with the kids this summer (if there is such a thing as “extra” time…): how about training your children on some new chores that a little more challenging for them? For example, since we have been on vacation, my seven year-old has gotten really good at making eggs for breakfast. We eat a lot of those–praise God for our chickens! 🙂 It is helpful for me, and I can tell that he enjoys the feeling of accomplishment in doing something that his big brother or Mom usually do. Likewise, my five year-old is making bottles for her baby brother and my three year-old is learning to vacuum. Giving the children new tasks encourages them to grow and be productive. It is a great benefit to the household and a big boost for their self-esteem as well, to be contributing members to the family.

With that, I’ve just posted every day this week. That is some kind of new record!

In the world but not of the world

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How do we live life “first and first.” That is, how do we keep God first in our life and family first as well, while juggling all of life’s other responsibilities? This is a great challenge.

You see, anyone who claims to be “sold out” for God yet neglects their parental or marital responsibilities as spelled out by God in His Scriptures, really isn’t sold out after all. For the Word says, “If you love me, you will obey my commands.”

Yes, we serve God through ministering to others within the Church and reaching the lost. We use the gifts God has given us to edify the saints and bringing the unsaved into the fold. Yet, what about “loving our wives as Christ loves the church,” and what about “bringing up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” You see, it is not either or, but BOTH. The letters to Timothy and Titus make clear that what happens in the home is what qualifies or disqualifies church leadership. These folks can’t aspire for the one (serving God) to the neglect of the other (family). It’s both. So how do we “press on for the prize” and “fix our eyes on Jesus” AND invest in our fold in the home, you ask? It’s easy (EASY to know what to do, albeit HARD to do), remove the other idols from your life!

Our appetites and pleasures in this world are selfish, and not of God. We claim we haven’t the time to evangelize our neighbors because we need to invest in our families. We likewise claim we don’t have time for family devotionals because we are busy investing in the Kingdom. Yet, we DO find time to watch television or play on our X-box for an hour or two a day. We would never dream of missing that football game or going on a hunting trip with our friends. We have to squeeze in 18 holes a week whenever the weather is nice and yearn for the golf course when it’s not. These lusts are all idols that distract us from the duties that God has for His children. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10) We are not here to pursue all of our worldly lusts. If you think I am being extreme or harsh, the Word says it better than I ever could.

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.” (1 John 2:15-17)

Now don’t get me wrong, many of the distractions is life are not in and of themselves sinful. However, ANYTHING can be sin if we put it ahead of our duties of serving God and family. Yet, Jesus said that when He was drinking and eating it was noble, and when John the Baptist fasted it was likewise good. Therefore, we must listen to the Spirit and not our fleshly desires, and we will get done exactly what the Lord intends for us. God created us and knows our responsibilities. There is exactly enough time to do everything He wants us to do in a day. However, there may NOT be enough time to do everything WE want to do.

Jesus warned us with the parable of the four soils:

“This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. 13Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.” (Luke 8:11-15)

Most of us fall into the third category, with one foot firmly planted in the world. Lord, I pray that You help us to be “good soil” for the Kingdom work and in the home by keeping “life’s worries, riches and pleasures” from choking our desire to “…press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)

The End of the Age…Beginning Today?

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Normally my husband leads our family devotional time every morning and evening. Since he is away for a few days this week, I had to choose the Scriptures that I would read to the children this morning. I didn’t really have anything specific in mind, so I just said a quick prayer before we began, that God would direct me to something that would be relevant for us today…that we might know Him more or be better-equipped to worship Him, in Spirit and Truth.

Well, I ended up opening at random to Matthew 24 (“Signs of the End of the Age”). Now, I’m not a Bible scholar–but I do own a Bible and I happen to read it. So please don’ t split hairs with my interpretation on this. I just want to share how this particular teaching of Jesus was relevant to us today. Take it or leave it.

You may be familiar with this passage. We read quite uneventfully through the first part:

1Jesus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to him to call his attention to its buildings. 2″Do you see all these things?” he asked. “I tell you the truth, not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down.”

3As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”

4Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. 5For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will deceive many. 6You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8All these are the beginning of birth pains.

9″Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other,

And this is the part that jumped out at me: “11and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.”

As I read this, I couldn’t help but fear God–because I don’t want to be one of the people in the time of the end who turns away from the faith. More than that, as I read “he who stands firm to the end will be saved…” the inverse truth grabbed hold of me–that he who does NOT stand firm to the end will NOT be saved? Theologically speaking, I’m sure there would be various arguments as to the truth of this statement. But even if it’s only arguably true, we all as believers should truly fear the Lord and pray for the strength and grace to face persecutions that come because of the name of Jesus that we profess.

And my next thought was, the time of the end begins TODAY! Even if I don’t see the end times (and I may!), what about my children? Will they be prepared to stand firm in their faith if they face all of these trials and evils and persecutions? Our preparation begins today–with us, as parents, instructing our children in the Word of God. With us, as parents, making the sacrifices that are necessary to truly disciple our children and encourage them in their walk with the Lord. And with all of us making the moment-by-moment decision to stand for Jesus.

For me, to put aside my selfish desire for a few moments peace and instead, to sit down and read to my children. For my children: to have good attitudes about their schoolwork…to be diligent about their household chores…to share with their siblings even though they want things for themselves…to practice that “gentle answer that turns away wrath”…and so on. We will be prepared to stand in the time of the end if we can STAND today.

If we can’t “stand” today, when we can freely worship Jesus, when we live in a time and a place of prosperity and blessing, when we can share our faith without fear…then can we be sure that we will be found faithful when it becomes immeasurably more difficult?

We’ve really been impacted by reading, as a family, “Foxe’s Book of Martyrs.” (We got a revised and updated volume through Grace and Truth Books–they have a great selection there!) We’re excited every time we receive the free “Voice of the Martyrs” publication (and the “Kids of Courage” version). I’ve also visited the Kids of Courage Web site and shared some stories from there with the children. These things have helped us all to view each day, more and more, in light of eternity, and really have challenged us to see beyond the temporal–the “light and momentary troubles,” if you will (see 2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

So of course all of these things came together in my mind as I read from Matthew chapter 24 this morning. I am challenged to make sure that I am ready to STAND for my savior–and that begins today, with each and every choice I make: self or service? Sin or sanctification?

I also am more inspired than ever to make sure that my children are well-equipped in their faith. Daily devotional times–yes! Time for personal Bible reading–yes! But even more than those instructions, positive encouragement and discipleship in living the Word of God is so important. Every moment of every day, we can redeem the time and share relevant truths from God’s Word with our children. We can teach and train them in what it means to live for Christ and grow in Christ-like character. Making the most of these opportunities often (almost always, in fact!) involves some type of sacrifice…sacrifice of our own expectations, our desire for control, items on our “to-do” list left undone, all kinds of “good” activities set aside for something “better.” What is of value? What do you value? Are you–and are your children–prepared to STAND for Jesus, starting TODAY?

"Change Management"–in the Home

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Change is the only thing in life that is constant. If we are to successfully manage our homes and families, we must respond to the changes. Our goals and the decisions we make and the methods we apply to reach those goals are all dynamic. We, as managers, need to respect this fact of life and apply wise methods of identifying problems, developing solutions, and implementing solutions such that our long term objectives are not jeopardized by the ebb and flow of change in our lives.

In this blog, I want to discuss change management. If it sounds like I am talking “project management” talk, it’s because I am a project manager. And you know what?: you are too! Home management and parenting are both project management at its finest.

The other day Cindy and I were wrapping up our budget for the month. That’s when we input the final straggling receipts and see how everything measures up. We balanced for the month perfectly—and were very pleased. However, I noticed a few “red” categories—a couple that were WAY off. We had overspent on gasoline by $164 for the month. We also overspent on groceries and utilities.

Immediately I pulled down the graphs for each of these categories and saw that we were indeed over-budget—and consistently so for the past several months. The conclusion: our budget estimates and the allotted amounts for these categories were insufficient. So, I adjusted the categories up a bit and lowered some other discretionary categories to make the budget balance again. For those of you who use the free budget tool, I suggest you use the graphs to monitor trends and make adjustments accordingly as well. In this way, you can manage your spending with accuracy and confidence. If you don’t use the tool, I suggest you get a copy—it’s free, and very powerful! (Visit the downloads page at http://www.valuesdrivenfamily.com/). See also a previous post on the use of the tool (including images of the charts and graphs).

So what were the steps involved for this “change management?” First…

1. Evaluate metrics: Look at the project plan and see how you are doing. In this case, it’s looking at the budget trends and seeing how we were performing.

2. Identify a problem: Budget categories were not tracking according to plan.

3. Determine the root cause: The amounts allotted were insufficient—gas prices, utility costs, and grocery costs were increasing, entirely out of our control. We were already minimizing travel, being wise with utility usage, and being frugal with grocery purchases. Therefore, it was just the cost of living going up.

4. Develop a solution: If we were not already optimized in these areas, we could resort to implementing practical solutions like traveling less, more frugal shopping, and turning lights off more and burning wood. Since we already do these things, the only solution is more funds to cover the present expenses.

5. Implement the solution: We upped the respective categories to amounts that put us on track and found discretionary categories to pillage.

6. Revisit the plan: After change is implemented, always check your plan and make sure that your overall goals are still being met. In this case, it was simply a balanced budget with all of our spending, savings, giving, and fiscal obligations being met.

Now this was a simple example that we can all understand. But what about implementing change in some more complex areas? Specifically (and even more importantly): what about your parenting, and the discipleship of your children? Guess what? The same principles apply! It becomes a tad bit more complex, because the average parent does not typically have a plan for their children. However, if you and your spouse took the time to discuss what your goals are for your children, you’d realize that you do have one. For those of you who are just trying to survive through the parenting years, I urge you to consider getting more proactive.

Now if you have a plan, and are doing things to achieve your goals for your children, how are you measuring results? Their behaviors? Your gut feeling, or emotions, on their spiritual, or other, condition? These things are good, but may not provide you with the information you need to implement effective change management. Step 1 above is to evaluate metrics. So get beyond your own initial reactions and thoughtfully consider, where is your child’s heart? Are they receiving instruction, submitting to the Lord’s will, and growing in Christlikeness? These are some of our goals—things we monitor.

When we identify a problem (step 2), we look for trends. If trends exist, we seek to understand the underlying cause (step 3). Behaviors are superficial. What is the heart condition leading to the behavior? The source may be one of us, as parents. Or, maybe it’s the delivery: how we communicate, interact, or instruct our children. Maybe we are not spending enough time with the child. Maybe we need to reiterate what the Word says about certain issues, or clarify respective roles. The possibilities are numerous. But the obvious point is that we must introspectively search out the root cause—and with not just a little prayer. Talk to the child, pray about it, use your noggin, and discuss it with your spouse. God will give you the insight.

Now that you hopefully have the root cause of the issue, develop a solution (step 4). What can be done to get things back on track? Parents, be willing to humble yourselves here and come clean if you are indeed the source of the problem. The fresh start is worth the blow to your pride. If the child needs some heart change, work the matter with the tools at your disposal—the Word, the rod, and your loving encouragement.

Step 5 (implementation): just do it! Go ahead and implement your solution.

Step 6: Revisit the plan. Take a good look at your plan; what are your goals? Are your current solution implementation and changes you’ve made consistent with your parenting goals? If not, something needs to change—either your goals, or your methods. Adjust accordingly—again, with much prayer.

I hope that some of these practical tools will benefit you in some way. Don’t let change and problems discourage you. Remember that all challenges are opportunities for growth and improvement (Romans 8:28).

For much, much more detail on these principles and proactive planning in the home, as well as the Biblical basis and application of the parenting “tools,” pick up a copy of The Values Driven Family. Also keep your eyes peeled for my newest book, Values Driven Discipleship. I hope to release it real soon.

God bless you,

Marc

Children and Chores

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The “Why” and “How” of Putting Your Kids to Work

We are blessed to have kids who contribute in a very measurable way to the smooth functioning of our home. That’s important when you have a family as large as ours. We’re also blessed to see the generally great attitudes that our children have toward their daily jobs.

However, these things didn’t just “happen.” We, as parents, had to train and encourage our children in this area, just as in every other area of their growth and development.

Why put your children to work? Well, besides the fact that it’s helpful for the management of the home in the short-term, think of the long-term benefits. What are we raising our children to do? Well, hopefully, to WORK. As adults, that’s our lot in life! Yes, we want our children to enjoy their childhood, but we have to prepare them for wage-earning adulthood. That starts at a very early age as we encourage the children to learn new tasks and contribute to the cleanliness of the home. If you give your children an allowance or payment for chores, this allows them to learn money management skills early in life, as well.

Working together as a family, with each member doing his or her part, also brings a sense of comaraderie. While playing together has its place (and its merits), our work gives us a common goal that really promotes team-building.

How do you put your children to work–especially if you haven’t started at a young enough age when children are most receptive to this type of training? Well, just do it! Sounds simple, but let’s think about some of the things that may help with this.

You’ve probably heard the expression, “The apples don’t fall far from the tree.” It’s a well-known saying because it’s true! So if you want your children to work diligently and have good attitudes toward their work, first you have to look in the mirror. Dads, do you come home and complain about your boss or talk about incidents at work in a negative ligt? Moms, do you drag your feet about keeping up with the house, or make comments like, “All I ever do is clean up after everyone else!” Unfortunately, we most often see our weaknesses as parents manifested in our children, rather than our strengths–so think about what you’re saying and doing as you go about your work and be willing to make any changes that may be necessary if you want to encourage your children to make progress in this area.

Once that important step has been tended to, then you can get to the more practical implementation. First, TRAIN your children properly in how to do any of the chores you will assign to them. This is key to experiencing success in this area. How would you feel if you were asked to do something but were not given the tools you needed, or the necessary instruction to make sure you knew how to do it properly? It would certainly be frustrating. So, no matter how much of an effort it is, or how difficult it seems for you as a parent to invest the time in training–think of what a pay-off there will be once you do the initial work that is required!

Start small children on small jobs. As soon as they can play with toys, they are old enough to pick them up. Even before our children can walk, we will bring the toy basket over to them and encourage them to “clean up” and put the toys in the basket when they are done playing. When I change a toddler’s diaper, she can throw it in the garbage. When I get her dressed, she can put her dirty clothes in the laundry. As young as 18 months, our children are helping their older siblings to unload the dishwasher (we keep all our dishes in a low and easily-accessible cabinet so that this task is easily done by even the littlest ones!). When it’s time to get ready to go somewhere, they can bring their shoes to Mom to be put on. They can throw things in the garbage as others go about with housekeeping chores. Every toddler loves to walk around with a broom, imagining that she is “helping”–so capitalize on this early imitation to encourage a love of work. Even if it’s not particularly helpful at first, it’s still instilling a positive lesson in your growing children.

As children age, provide them with more challenging jobs. Try to mix it up a little so they’re not always doing the same things. Our four-year-old recently was going through a really “whiny” phase and we decided to try to encourage her to do more “big girl” things. She was quickly trained on cleaning the bathroom sink and toilet and in changing her little sister’s diaper. Doing these different tasks–ones normally done by her older siblings–really helped her to show a little more maturity.

Let’s face it, we don’t all enjoy our work all the time! So if your children balk at one job in particular, perhaps have a sibling help them so they can enjoy some conversation while the work is getting done. Or, allow siblings to trade jobs with one another (as long as they can properly agree on this!) I try to put on some uplifting music during morning chore time, as well. This is also a good time for you, as a parent, to praise sincere effort and encourage the children to “work as for the Lord,” (Colossians 3:22-24) to stay diligent and do their best work (Proverbs 10:4), and to praise God for…all the things that are praiseworthy (even if the job at hand isn’t!–see Philippians 4:8).

Our favorite rule at “job time” comes straight from 2 Thessalonians 3:10 (NIV): “‘If a man will not work, he shall not eat'”–even our 2 year-old can quote this verse! We don’t eat breakfast (or snack, or dinner…whatever the next “meal” is) until everyone does their jobs. And when one child is done, he’s expected to go help a sibling to finish up their work (unless they’re not being diligent, of course–then they’re on their own, and the rest of us will eat without them. This doesn’t happen very often, but it does happen!)

What if the children complain? Well, personally–we try not to take it too personally. We all feel that way sometimes! But, it’s a good opportunity to encourage an attitude of praise. Remind them of what is praiseworthy. Remind them that you’re just doing your best as a parent to prepare them for a lifetime of work. Provide them with alternating periods of work and play or rest. A few minutes of relaxation on the couch, a read-aloud together, some free-play time, or just an enjoyable meal, can all be a reward for a job well done. Make sure to build blessings into the completion of work. Sometimes, when I see a child have a particularly good attitude toward his work, or if she is trying hard to do a thorough job, I’ll surprise them by offering them a little treat like a small candy or something. This goes a long way in encouraging children in their chores. But of course, words of praise are sometimes the best reward.

It’s important, too, that you are working along side of your children. Although you may not be doing the same job at the same time, if the children are doing chores, you should be busy, too, Mom! While sometimes I might want to use that time to tend to personal matters, it’s a good example to the children if we all engage in productive tasks together and work together to put our home in order. If the children complain about being asked to do something, I will gently point out what “I” am doing, and remind them that sometimes we all need to help each other. Usually they are quick to acknowledge this fact and are almost always willing helpers. On the other hand, what kind of example is it if I’m asking the children to do something simply for my convenience or because I’m too “lazy” to do it myself? Then they will feel “used,” and rightly so. It’s good for them to learn to serve, but they shouldn’t be made to be slaves! Chores that contribute to home management should be considered as “team-building” activities for the whole family.

You may find it helpful to post a family chore chart or other organizational tool so that everyone knows what they are expected to do each day. This really reduces stress for mom, particularly when there are lots of children in the house. It also may help to post a “clean room” checklist in a prominent location so that children can refer to the list to make sure they’ve done all the necessary steps for each task. When Mom does a “quality control check,” there are usually fewer things to correct if children have pre-emptive reminders in place. Visit our Web site at http://www.valuesdrivenfamily.com/ for free chore chart downloads and other practical tools for the family.

Please comment if you have anything that’s been particularly helpful in your home when it comes to the sometimes-challenging area of children and chores!

Encouraging Your Children with the Core Value Progress Chart

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Would you believe that over 17,500 of our FREE resources were downloaded from valuesdrivenfamily.com by parents like you in the last week?! We are pleased that so many parents are eager to better equip themselves for family balance and success. Praise God!

We’re also tickled to find that so many of you share our heart in realizing that our most vital role as parents is in instructing and encouraging our children in Christ-like character. Of all of the free downloads we offer, the hands-down most popular resource was the Core Value Progress Chart, with more than 1,500 copies downloaded! Though we were excited about the interest in this great tool, we were left a bit puzzled. In the back of our minds, we wondered, “just what are parents doing with this chart?” since we’ve really only detailed its purpose and use in The Values-Driven Family, which comparatively few of you have read. So we decided to dedicate a series of newsletter articles (and blogs) to explaining the purpose, use, and power of some of the free tools you’ve recently downloaded. Enjoy!

On the subject of the chart, let’s start by introducing the premise of the core values on which the chart is based. These were not just randomly selected. I (Marc) embarked on a 30-day, verse-by-verse study of what the Bible had to say about family—every page—and took copious notes in preparation for writing VDF. What became obvious in the study was that God cares far more about our being than our doing. The popular “WWJD?” reflects the importance of “doing” what Jesus would do, but our character is of even greater value. What emerged from my study was God’s desire for humanity to manifest certain characteristics—ultimately, to take on the essence of Christlikeness. The 12 values identified through the study are the ones listed on the chart. Since these are the values that God values, they are the character traits that parents need to model, instruct, and encourage their children to manifest.

The chart itself is a practical means to go beyond just teaching children and helps parents to actively encourage them in greater and greater Christlikeness. It is not just a behavioral checklist. Yes, we identify “target behaviors” and both deficiencies and strengths become obvious. However, the chart is best used as a carrot, not a stick. It is designed to call out positive achievements and encourage positive characteristics. It is not about performance only, but also heart condition.

For example, we as parents can be busy all day and our two children can stay out of each other’s way with no discord. By our standards we would say they were good and reward them. However, if they were each doing their own thing all day, were they generous? What about humble? Did they have a surrendered heart? Did they extend themselves to show love through service? The obvious point is that God cares about our heart—and He is concerned not only about what we “do,” but about what we don’t do. As such, we use the chart to monitor outward manifestations of an inward heart condition. A praying child is a child exercising faith. A child who is thankful and appreciative, and verbally praises God, is a child who has a heart of praise. If we want our children to manifest an earnest lifestyle of faith that pleases the Lord when they are emancipated, we have to facilitate the Word traveling the 18 inches from their minds to their hearts. When properly used, the chart is a powerful tool to help accomplish that goal.

How it works: We start our children on charts at age 2—and you would be shocked at how well they understand the values and God’s desire for their conduct at that age. It’s the ultimate tool for making the Word come alive and understandable for someone who otherwise would not be profitably instructed in God’s Word for years.

Every day (we used to do it twice daily, now only once and only on weekdays) before family devotions, we sit down and recount our day, going down the list with the entire family present to see how each child did in living out the values that God values. It is wonderful to hear a little one shout that another shared a toy or praised God! We check off where they exhibited the core value and cross off and encourage better performance where they were deficient. We reward all children who score a 10 or higher with a small treat—literally a small candy—and we give a larger treat, such as a cookie, for a perfect 12. Make it age-appropriate and desirable—not necessarily snacks. At the end of the week we do a count and everyone who averages a 10 gets an ice cream cone. If they collectively average an 11, we go to McDonald’s for sundaes—that’s a big treat in the Carrier household J.

One revelation that was surprising was that we, as parents, never really know what a child’s score will be before we go through the list. We think we know–we may have dealt with a stubborn child who had a problem with surrender or obedience, and would certainly rate them as fail in a pass/fail paradigm. However, it reveals a lot when we hear the child say that they prayed that their attitude would improve, and that they tried to praise God as a way to change the direction of their day. You see, we measure what makes our lives convenient as parents and miss many opportunities to encourage our children in behaviors that are pleasing to God. This tool helps us avoid these blind spots.

The chart comes with a warning: it is only one tool in the tool box! Don’t forget core value lessons, family devotionals, bible study, and prayer. Likewise, discipline as needed and leverage those real-time “teachable moments” all day long. Last but not least, remember that more is caught than taught—our consistent modeling of the core values will carry far more weight than simply going through a chart with the children. The process of using the chart will force us as parents to focus on these character elements ourselves and will give our Heavenly Father an opportunity to minister to our hearts, molding us into Christlikeness at the same time that we disciple our children. Oftentimes it’s an ouch L, but we need it, too!

If you would like more information about how to use this powerful tool and the others mentioned, please pick up a copy of The Values-Driven Family. You won’t regret it. It has impacted countless families like yours and mine, bringing the Word of God where it belongs–in our hearts and in our homes.

God bless you!