Category: character training

Works for me Wednesday: Character Training

valuesdr

My husband and I were talking about character training this morning–specifically, encouraging our children to grow in their faith and in their relationship with God so that they more consistently display Christlike character.

Marc remembered reading somewhere a statement that has stuck with him. I’m not sure this is a direct quote, but it goes something like this: “The average Christian has more knowledge than ability to perform.” How true this is! We study the Bible, read the differing “interpretations” of scholars and authors, sometimes research the church fathers and historical doctrinal positions…but all too often, this knowledge merely puffs us up. When the rubber meets the road, we still find ourselves unable to exhibit a character that reflects our stated belief in God and in the Gospel of Christ.

In our discussion this morning, we were focusing on this statement as it relates to our children. As parents, we strive to impart “knowledge” of God’s Word to our children. We read the Bible each morning and afternoon, encourage them to have their own quiet time with the Lord, and try to talk about the Word consistently, as it applies to everyday situations.

BUT, knowledge has its limits. As such, the more important element of character development (for our children) is discipleship. It is through the process of discipling our children in the faith and in Christlike character that they see how to put God’s Word into practice in a way that is REAL for them. Unfortunately, it is not an instantaneous process. It is just that–a PROCESS. We often want “quick fixes” and immediate results, but with character training there is most definitely seed time and harvest–with emphasis on “TIME.” It demands great patience from us as parents.

Lately (for a number of reasons) we have been seeing traits in our children that we wish would just go away. I have caught myself wondering if the process of Biblical discipleship has its limits. But, of course, that attitude simply reflects my own shortcomings. I just have to confirm again, to myself, that God’s Word is true and He is faithful. And as we wait for fruit on the different seeds we have sown, prayers of faith are important. In fact, I think they are essential. Unfortunately, the element of prayer, and the necessity of patience, is easy to overlook. After all, it is human nature to want to “DO” something!

What works for us–even on those days when it doesn’t SEEM like it–is us doing our part, and then (through prayer and patience) trusting God to do His. One tool that we have found particularly helpful is using a character training/values chart with our children on a consistent basis. It is available as a FREE DOWNLOAD when you sign up for the Values-Driven newsletter at www.valuesdrivenfamily.com. Of course, you can subscribe to receive the free downloads, and then are free to unsubscribe at any time–but we hope you will stick with us. 🙂 We try to send out bi-weekly emails of information and encouragement for families, with free downloads that we have found useful, reviews of products from Christian publishers, and announcements of our own product sales for those who have interest.

Make sure to visit Rocks in My Dryer for more WMFW tips.

In the world but not of the world

valuesdr

How do we live life “first and first.” That is, how do we keep God first in our life and family first as well, while juggling all of life’s other responsibilities? This is a great challenge.

You see, anyone who claims to be “sold out” for God yet neglects their parental or marital responsibilities as spelled out by God in His Scriptures, really isn’t sold out after all. For the Word says, “If you love me, you will obey my commands.”

Yes, we serve God through ministering to others within the Church and reaching the lost. We use the gifts God has given us to edify the saints and bringing the unsaved into the fold. Yet, what about “loving our wives as Christ loves the church,” and what about “bringing up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” You see, it is not either or, but BOTH. The letters to Timothy and Titus make clear that what happens in the home is what qualifies or disqualifies church leadership. These folks can’t aspire for the one (serving God) to the neglect of the other (family). It’s both. So how do we “press on for the prize” and “fix our eyes on Jesus” AND invest in our fold in the home, you ask? It’s easy (EASY to know what to do, albeit HARD to do), remove the other idols from your life!

Our appetites and pleasures in this world are selfish, and not of God. We claim we haven’t the time to evangelize our neighbors because we need to invest in our families. We likewise claim we don’t have time for family devotionals because we are busy investing in the Kingdom. Yet, we DO find time to watch television or play on our X-box for an hour or two a day. We would never dream of missing that football game or going on a hunting trip with our friends. We have to squeeze in 18 holes a week whenever the weather is nice and yearn for the golf course when it’s not. These lusts are all idols that distract us from the duties that God has for His children. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10) We are not here to pursue all of our worldly lusts. If you think I am being extreme or harsh, the Word says it better than I ever could.

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.” (1 John 2:15-17)

Now don’t get me wrong, many of the distractions is life are not in and of themselves sinful. However, ANYTHING can be sin if we put it ahead of our duties of serving God and family. Yet, Jesus said that when He was drinking and eating it was noble, and when John the Baptist fasted it was likewise good. Therefore, we must listen to the Spirit and not our fleshly desires, and we will get done exactly what the Lord intends for us. God created us and knows our responsibilities. There is exactly enough time to do everything He wants us to do in a day. However, there may NOT be enough time to do everything WE want to do.

Jesus warned us with the parable of the four soils:

“This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. 13Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.” (Luke 8:11-15)

Most of us fall into the third category, with one foot firmly planted in the world. Lord, I pray that You help us to be “good soil” for the Kingdom work and in the home by keeping “life’s worries, riches and pleasures” from choking our desire to “…press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)

New Year Action Item: Character Training

valuesdr

With the hustle and bustle of the holidays behind us, now is the perfect time to buckle down and set our priorities in order. I’m sure many of you experience what we experience: a hectic schedule of running around to a host of events with friends, family, and church—normal routines all but forgotten. Nap schedules, school schedules, regular chore responsibilities, and even family devotional times all suffer some disarray during the busy season with all the traveling and outings. Likewise, the flood of gifts from well-intentioned family members can at times shift our focus away from Christ (the Reason for the season) and toward materialism.

We find that the wind-down after the holidays is always the perfect time for refocus and reestablishment of longstanding priorities. For us, the New Year is also a time of reflection and evaluation of those priorities. Cindy and I discuss what we have accomplished in the year—how the children are doing, how we are doing, our ministry, our personal finances, work—all the different aspects of our household. We talk about what is working and what is not. We see how reality measures up with our expectations—both long and short-term. We decide if changes are needed and discuss what those changes should be. We praise God for the successes and grow wiser from the failures. Nothing is wasted as we press on to be the best parents, spouses, and Christians we can be.

Over the years, one area that has continued to be of utmost importance to us is how we are meeting our Biblical responsibilities in raising our children. We ask ourselves some tough questions:

  • Is God pleased with our discipleship efforts?
  • Is the Word getting in our children’s hearts?
  • Does the children’s character reflect the values that God values? (Does ours as parents?—that can be an “ouch!”)
  • Are we teaching them the Word sufficiently with our devotional times?
  • Are we making the most of the “teachable moments” of life?
  • Is our effort measuring up with Deuteronomy 6:6-7 and Ephesians 6:4?

    These are the standards God sets for us, and we try to take our responsibility seriously. Are we perfect? Absolutely not! That’s why we need to introspectively search out these things; we want to make sure that we are putting in our best effort in our high calling as parents and as followers of Christ. As we identify any areas of weakness, we can proactively plan on how to make progress in our spiritual growth.

    I encourage you to also have these discussions with your spouse. Ask yourself those tough questions. Determine if you are doing everything you can do. If God convicts you that you should be doing more, seek His guidance and make this year the year you will put forth your absolute best efforts in imparting God’s Word to your children’s hearts.

    Personally, we have discovered that proactive teaching during family devotional times greatly reduces the frequency and seriousness of day-to-day disciplinary events. We have likewise found that it is those real-time “teachable moments” that allow God’s Word to travel the 18 inches from the children’s minds to their hearts. Reading the Word is necessary, but teaching the Word during real-life situations has a much more lasting effect.

    One tool that has been extremely helpful for us in this area is a binder of character-themed Bible verses. These verses have become vital for both leading family devotional times and capturing those real-time discipleship opportunities, or “teachable moments.” If you recognize a need for some over-haul in this area (and who doesn’t?), we have recently compiled these themed verses in a 150+ page binder, with a thorough table of contents and index for easy use. (Visit here if you wish to learn more.) Values-Driven Discipleship: Biblical Instruction and Character Training Manual could be the blessing your family needs to shore up this all-important area in your home. It has blessed ours! But please, by all means, continue to fulfill the sacred trust God has given you and resolve, in this new year, to actively disciple your children.

    • The Necessity of Encouragement

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    “….encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Hebrews 3:13 (NIV)

    We are very aware of the importance of encouraging our children. Culturally speaking, I think it’s easy to get the idea that “encouragement” is synonymous with “praise” or for the purposes of “building self-esteem.” However, the Greek word translated as “encourage” in Hebrews 3:13 (above) is found in the KJV as “exhort,” which is further defined in the Vine’s Expository dictionary as (and this is not a direct quote, but my paraphrase) calling to a person to urge them to pursue a particular course of conduct. It is not comfort given as the result of a trial, but is prospective and looks to the future.

    So encouraging our children isn’t about making them “feel good.” It isn’t even necessarily about giving them a “rah-rah” speech about coming out on the backside of a difficult circumstance. It’s about what we do and say in the “midst” of a trial to help our children to pursue a particular course–in our case, God’s desire for their heart and behavior.

    I was reminded of this distinction today. It was a day full of encouragement! Not because things were looking up and there was lots to praise the children for; no, in fact, just the opposite. We’re coming off of a week of vacation (which is never easy, mind you), AND we were jumping right in to an early morning doctor’s appointment and several stops for grocery shopping while were were out. These days are also never the most anticipated.

    We left the house on track for being about 5 minutes late, and it was raining. We were eating bread and drinking apple juice in the van on the way there, having not much else for breakfast and no time to sit down. (At least it was whole wheat bread, though). The boys had a few pages from their math workbooks, but weren’t really interested in working on them as we traveled. (“Can I do these later, Mom?”) Of course we were at the doctor’s office for just over an hour for a simple “weight check,” with all six of the children in tow. And we hadn’t even gone shopping yet! When we did make our stop at Sam’s Club, we did our shopping (being thankful for “Click-n-Pull” and most everything ready when we arrived!), but then we left a small box of things in the bottom of the carriage. I realized it just as we were pulling out of the parking lot, but by the time we got back around to where we had left the cart, someone had returned our things to the service desk. Well, praise God that they had been safely returned. BUT I still had to lug all of the kids out of the van AGAIN, and it was nearing lunch time, with still another stop to make.

    Long story short…I was praying myself through the day and trying to keep up with that attitude of praise. The attitudes of the some of children, on the other hand, were wanting…exacerbated as the day wore on by the extended time of the errand-running and their tiredness, then hunger…occasional difficulties with self-control…there were LOTS of opportunities for encouragement! I did get to praise them for certain behaviors, but more than that I was mindful to exhort them as needed. To gently, lovingly, and PERSISTENTLY remind them of the benefits and blessings of surrendering to God’s will for their day and of seeking to “make every effort” to do the things that show that we are His servants.

    And no, it wasn’t a perfect day. But it was very good. Why? Mostly because at a couple of different points when I was sure that a child was going to give up “trying” to do it God’s way, they would come back and say, “I’m sorry, Mom. I know I need to do better.” Or, they would begin encouraging each other, which was a real blessing to me. For all of us–my children included–it’s about direction, not perfection…and I definitely saw some progress today.

    I have to be honest, I have a hard time dealing with bad attitudes on the part of my children. It’s probably one of the areas where I’m most likely to fall short in my response. I think it’s because it’s not just a behavior that you can discipline and be done with. It has to do with the mind, will, and emotions–it’s about the heart, and spankings don’t touch that. Spankings are easy to administer for different kinds of behaviors, but when a child needs to have his heart ministered to, it takes a tender touch, a kind voice, and persistent encouragement. Not just a “way to go” pep talk, but something that reminds them what it’s really all about. I have seen that my children can really develop that “hard heart” that gives in to sin (which is what I think of when I read Hebrews 3:13, cited above) if I am not proactive in encouraging them in a godly direction when I see those heart troubles beginning to surface.

    It’s worth every effort we make as parents to get to the hearts of our kids. So I would just encourage you to keep on encouraging your children today. Use every tool in your tool box. Talk to your kids. Let them know you care. Live an authentic Christian life, and be willing to be honest about your own shortcomings. Pray together. Do life together. Then when you’re exhorting them to “pursue a particular course of conduct,” you’ll have the credibility to speak that influence into their lives. Most of all, pray that God would do what you can’t. He will. He is faithful. When we do our part, He does His, and it’s awesome.

    The End of the Age…Beginning Today?

    valuesdr

    Normally my husband leads our family devotional time every morning and evening. Since he is away for a few days this week, I had to choose the Scriptures that I would read to the children this morning. I didn’t really have anything specific in mind, so I just said a quick prayer before we began, that God would direct me to something that would be relevant for us today…that we might know Him more or be better-equipped to worship Him, in Spirit and Truth.

    Well, I ended up opening at random to Matthew 24 (“Signs of the End of the Age”). Now, I’m not a Bible scholar–but I do own a Bible and I happen to read it. So please don’ t split hairs with my interpretation on this. I just want to share how this particular teaching of Jesus was relevant to us today. Take it or leave it.

    You may be familiar with this passage. We read quite uneventfully through the first part:

    1Jesus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to him to call his attention to its buildings. 2″Do you see all these things?” he asked. “I tell you the truth, not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down.”

    3As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”

    4Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. 5For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will deceive many. 6You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8All these are the beginning of birth pains.

    9″Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other,

    And this is the part that jumped out at me: “11and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.”

    As I read this, I couldn’t help but fear God–because I don’t want to be one of the people in the time of the end who turns away from the faith. More than that, as I read “he who stands firm to the end will be saved…” the inverse truth grabbed hold of me–that he who does NOT stand firm to the end will NOT be saved? Theologically speaking, I’m sure there would be various arguments as to the truth of this statement. But even if it’s only arguably true, we all as believers should truly fear the Lord and pray for the strength and grace to face persecutions that come because of the name of Jesus that we profess.

    And my next thought was, the time of the end begins TODAY! Even if I don’t see the end times (and I may!), what about my children? Will they be prepared to stand firm in their faith if they face all of these trials and evils and persecutions? Our preparation begins today–with us, as parents, instructing our children in the Word of God. With us, as parents, making the sacrifices that are necessary to truly disciple our children and encourage them in their walk with the Lord. And with all of us making the moment-by-moment decision to stand for Jesus.

    For me, to put aside my selfish desire for a few moments peace and instead, to sit down and read to my children. For my children: to have good attitudes about their schoolwork…to be diligent about their household chores…to share with their siblings even though they want things for themselves…to practice that “gentle answer that turns away wrath”…and so on. We will be prepared to stand in the time of the end if we can STAND today.

    If we can’t “stand” today, when we can freely worship Jesus, when we live in a time and a place of prosperity and blessing, when we can share our faith without fear…then can we be sure that we will be found faithful when it becomes immeasurably more difficult?

    We’ve really been impacted by reading, as a family, “Foxe’s Book of Martyrs.” (We got a revised and updated volume through Grace and Truth Books–they have a great selection there!) We’re excited every time we receive the free “Voice of the Martyrs” publication (and the “Kids of Courage” version). I’ve also visited the Kids of Courage Web site and shared some stories from there with the children. These things have helped us all to view each day, more and more, in light of eternity, and really have challenged us to see beyond the temporal–the “light and momentary troubles,” if you will (see 2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

    So of course all of these things came together in my mind as I read from Matthew chapter 24 this morning. I am challenged to make sure that I am ready to STAND for my savior–and that begins today, with each and every choice I make: self or service? Sin or sanctification?

    I also am more inspired than ever to make sure that my children are well-equipped in their faith. Daily devotional times–yes! Time for personal Bible reading–yes! But even more than those instructions, positive encouragement and discipleship in living the Word of God is so important. Every moment of every day, we can redeem the time and share relevant truths from God’s Word with our children. We can teach and train them in what it means to live for Christ and grow in Christ-like character. Making the most of these opportunities often (almost always, in fact!) involves some type of sacrifice…sacrifice of our own expectations, our desire for control, items on our “to-do” list left undone, all kinds of “good” activities set aside for something “better.” What is of value? What do you value? Are you–and are your children–prepared to STAND for Jesus, starting TODAY?

    The Early Bird Catches the Worm, but………

    valuesdr

    I’ve been getting up early lately to feed the baby, and typically I don’t go back to sleep. I’ve really been enjoying the large chunk of truly QUIET time before everyone else is awake. I read my Bible and pray, check my email, do some writing, set out my daily “to-do” list, and…enjoy a cup of coffee.

    This early morning time really helps me to focus my day by beginning with what’s most important (the Lord). It also helps me to be more diligent, because I’m making sure I have a plan for the day and I get a good head start on whatever work I have to do.

    Well, of course because we value diligence, it’s a character trait we try to model and encourage in our children in various ways. We emphasize diligence as the children go about their jobs and their schoolwork. We encourage them to be diligent in their faith (cf. Hebrews 6:10-12) through Bible study, prayer, and consistently living the Word of God to the best of their ability.

    When I got up this morning (early, of course), I found a note taped to the handrail of our staircase:

    And then, the part that made me laugh:

    And I did wake them up early…and they did go sit in their homemade tree stands for an hour. They did not get any birds, but they did learn a good lesson in diligence, and patience. Not to mention, they had a lot of fun!

    Why I love Homeschooling :)

    valuesdr

    Today was a great example of why I love homeschooling! Marc was scheduled to leave on a business trip late this afternoon, so I decided to scrap the usual morning routine of chores and school and really enjoy our last bit of time with “Daddy” for the week. We had an enjoyable morning–everyone piled into the trailer behind our new (for us) quad and we went for a ride…had a great breakfast of watermelon & toast made with Blueberry Crumble bread (yummy!)…went outside to visit the growing baby chicks and feed all the chickens…and, much later than usual, enjoyed our family devotions (a continuing reading & discussion of Proverbs). Then, since our toddler was falling asleep in her chair, we called an “early nap time” (it was 11:00) and we all went for a little rest. Then Dad got up and went out to the ravine for an adventure with the boys while the girls finished up their nap. We enjoyed a yummy “breakfast for lunch” of french toast and sausage (truly a treat!), read aloud from “The Adventures of Paddy the Beaver” by Thornton Burgess, and then Dad was off, with lots of “good-byes” and “I love you’s!”

    After such a blessed morning, I knew the boys wouldn’t want to get back to “school,” so when they did their afternoon jobs and asked to go outside on a scavenger hunt, I figured they might as well enjoy the gorgeous fall day. I thought trouble might be brewing when son #1 expressed his desire to go down to the ravine, but son #2 said to me, “No, we’re not going down to the ravine.” They left the house without reaching a concensus on their destination, in spite of my request that they agree on what they were doing before they got going.

    It was no surprise to have to call them back in within about 20 minutes…and to make a long story short, we had a really good conversation–an excellent “teachable moment” in which I was able to share with the boys an object lesson that had recently come to my attention from a friend. I’ll post it here, just FYI (thanks, Tony!):

    ______________________________________________

    Dart Test…

    A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith . She says that Dr. Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons.

    One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in for a fun day.
    On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person’s picture.

    Sally’s friend drew a picture of who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect she had achieved.

    The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith , because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn’t have a chance to throw any darts at her target. Dr. Smith began removing the target from the wall.

    Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced.

    Dr. Smith said only these words….” In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me .”Matthew 25:40.

    No other words were necessary; the tears filled eyes of the students focused only on the picture of Christ.

    ____________________________________________

    After talking about the boys’ frustrations with one another, I was able to gently expose to each of them their sin of selfishness–each one wanted his own way, rather than considering the desires of his brother. This led to disagreement, anger, and upset as the fun of the afternoon adventure was spoiled. I shared the “dart” story with the boys and asked them, “If you were playing outside with Jesus, would you have…bossed him in order to try to push him to do things your way?…walked away from him and pretended not to hear him?”, etc. They both admitted that they would have done things differently if they had viewed their actions as having been done to Jesus himself rather than “just” their brother. I asked my oldest son, “Do you KNOW Jesus? Do you KNOW what He did for you?” And I had to admire his honest answer: “I say that I do, but I wasn’t behaving like I do.” I had to respond that we can all say the same thing, more often times than we would care to admit.

    I got to coach the boys through some heartfelt apologies and reconciliation, and then they agreed to go back outside to do “whatever my brother wants to do.” 🙂 They ended up spending a really enjoyable hour in the sand box making “adobe houses” of wet dirt and rocks. I wouldn’t have traded this lesson for a week of math workbooks or reading textbooks! And, we did manage to get some math done after the little ones went to bed, anyway–so the day wasn’t a total wash. 🙂 Homeschooling is awesome, children are a blessing, and God is real good.

    Cleanliness is Next to Godliness?

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    I don’t know the origin of the saying, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” but it’s certainly not in my Bible. The closest thing I have is the Titus 2 directive to women that they should be “busy at home,” and Timothy 5:14, which tells older women to teach the younger women to “manage their homes.” While I don’t imagine that we honor God when our homes are in a state of disarray or chaos, I do believe that we can allow the pendulum to swing the other way and concentrate too much on housekeeping and not enough on other things that matter.

    A minimal level of cleanliness is necessary for everyone’s health. Certainly we don’t want to let food stuffs pile up on the counters, allow our little ones to sleep on sheets that have been soiled, have such a dusty home that breathing is unhealthy, or have the carpets littered with debris that the little ones would be putting in their mouths. That much seems obvious.

    Beyond that, it’s important for us to keep clean homes so that we are always prepared to “practice hospitality.” That’s in my Bible, so I take it seriously! (See Romans 12:13, 1 Timothy 5:10, and 1 Peter 4:9, for example). I don’t relish the thought of someone unexpectedly coming to my home and having to make apologies for its condition. At the same time, I don’t think we need to be able to eat off the floors, either. This is our home, and we live here…2 adults and 6 children, all of us, all day, every day. It’s not going to be perfectly clean all the time, but we do try to keep it consistently neat.

    Another reason to focus on housekeeping is for the value of diligence that it imparts to the children, as they are trained to help with various chores and are encouraged to keep their messes cleaned up behind them. After all, our children are going to grow up to WORK every day, and while we do want them to enjoy their childhood and there is a time for play, they miss a lot if they don’t see the value of work. It also guides them in wisdom, to have them take care of their possessions by having “a place for everything, and everything in its place.”

    Last night my husband went out with four of the six children on an extended errand and I was looking forward to having some time to myself after putting the two youngest ones to bed. All I had to do was put away the few miscellaneous toys that had gotten left out, put some of my laundry away, and get some sleeping bags and pillows out in the tents for the crew when they came home (it was a “camp out” last night, once everyone got home!). Somehow, though, those few things took a lot longer than I thought…and even though I got the little ones to bed at 7:45, I was just finishing up and making myself a cup of tea at about 9:00 when the rest of the family came in the door! Why did it take so long, I wondered? Well, my oldest would have gotten our toddler ready for bed and changed her diaper; the boys would have gone out to put the chickens in for the night and collect the eggs (one of those “unexpected” chores I did along the way…). And I would have had several of the children help with hauling pillows, blankets and sleeping bags out to the tents instead of having to make multiple trips myself. Many hands make light work, and sometimes I do not realize just how much our children help me to accomplish!

    I think our children have a great attitude about work and about helping out in service to others–and that is only because we encourage them to help out around the house with all kinds of chores as they are able. (And, yes, they do have plenty of “free time” as well, just for the record!)

    Granted, this takes proactive training and patience. We also have to lower our standards a bit when we view the jobs our children do. What is considered “passable” work from a child is certainly not the level of cleaning that I would do. But together, we keep our home in fairly good order.

    Everyone has daily jobs, both first thing in the morning and in the late afternoon. We have a couple of general rules: Everyone works until everyone is done (so that if one child is done with his job first, he should go help a sibling with her job.) Also, (straight from 1 Thessalonians 3:10): “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.” Thus, we don’t eat breakfast until after all our morning chores are done. If we have a dawdler (or even two) they get helped out by siblings for as long as they are being diligent, but if they are just playing around, they lose the privilege of having helpers and can come to the table and eat along with everyone else once they finish their designated chore. We’ve had a couple of the kids eat cold food a good hour after everyone else had left the table, but they miss the fellowship of the family and don’t prefer cold food, so that’s been a rare exception. Generally speaking, our chores get done within 30-45 minutes and then we’re on to more important things.

    Of course, in having a rotating schedule of chores the whole house never looks clean at once, but we do maintain a neat appearance. Granted, we have some consistent “piles” of books and papers here and there in our particular “hot spots.” And dusting has never been my favorite thing to do, so if anything suffers, that’s it. But these things I can live with. I was chuckling to myself this morning as I looked up, because I rarely look UP (except in the spiritual sense…). Here’s what you would see if you took a quick look UP in our kitchen:
    Looks nice, no? But here’s what you’d see if you REALLY “looked”:

    One thing that has not ceased to amaze me about living in a log home is the number of cobwebs we have in comparison to our old house. So when I look “up” and see this, I grab my duster and take a quick trip around the house, clearing out all of the trouble spots. But beyond that, I don’t worry too much about it. There are much more important things going on. We focus on housekeeping and home management for the values that it will impart to our children and in order to be able to practice hospitality in a way that honors God; but I don’t see any reason to over-invest in this area. If we did, we’d be missing out on valuable family times, teachable moments for discipling our children, opportunities for serving others in ministry, and so on. Home management is of value as a means of training our children in Godly character; but there are so many other things going on in our home that are of greater eternal significance!

    I’ve always been a person of order and schedules. I love the idea of “home management.” So stepping back a bit in my own expectations over the years has been, at times, almost painful. But now I’m at a place where I see the wisdom of this paradigm shift, and I’m thankful to the Lord for helping me to keep a balanced perspective in this area. I read a great article a while ago on Steve Nelson’s site, Premeditated Parenting, that I loved so much I now keep it posted on my refrigerator (thanks, Steve!). I’ll copy it here, but if you have a chance, make sure to visit Steve–he’s got some great stuff going on over there! 🙂

    With all that being said, I hope you’ll also take the time to visit our site (http://www.valuesdrivenfamily.com/) and get some of our free downloads, including a children’s chore chart, family scheduling templates, and so on. We discuss many of these topics (home management, children and chores, character and values training) in our book, “The Values-Driven Family.” If you’re interested in exploring how to put together all of these pieces of the family puzzle, visit our site for more information or to buy the book!

    Without further ado, here’s Steve’s excellent article:

    The Smell of Parenting

    Proverbs 14:4 Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox. ESV

    A novice farmer shows off his clean barn to his neighbor. The ground is spotless, and the manger, or feed trough, looks as clean as new. After shooting the breeze a while the experienced farmer invites his friend to come and see what a barn should look like. The young farmer is a little hurt because he can’t imagine a nicer setup than he has.

    They walk over to the neighbor’s farm, all the while discussing the incredible amount of work each of the older farmer’s four oxen can perform. At the barn, hay is strewn everywhere, and the feed trough is covered with dried ox slobber.

    “What is that horrible stench?” asks the young man.

    “That, my friend, is the smell of money.”

    The goal of a farmer is not to have the nicest barn, cleanest trough, or freshest fragrances. His goal is to grow crops and raise animals. To focus on his goal, he lets a few things slide along the way. From sunup to sundown he works hard. He is not lazy or negligent, but he simply has no time to clean troughs and rake out barns. Instead of scooping up every piece of manure, he simply wears rubber boots.

    A wise parent will take a similar approach. If every meal must be a culinary delight, every toy in its perfect spot, every shelf dusted, and every floor vacuumed, there will be no time left for parenting. With children comes a certain level of messiness. This is to be managed, but also expected. The goal is to raise the children, not eliminate the messiness. As the farmer embraces the mess of the ox the parent should embrace the clutter of childhood. Far more critical things are happening in our homes than keeping our houses spotless. Much good is being produced in a Christian home.

    Encouraging Your Children with the Core Value Progress Chart

    valuesdr

    Would you believe that over 17,500 of our FREE resources were downloaded from valuesdrivenfamily.com by parents like you in the last week?! We are pleased that so many parents are eager to better equip themselves for family balance and success. Praise God!

    We’re also tickled to find that so many of you share our heart in realizing that our most vital role as parents is in instructing and encouraging our children in Christ-like character. Of all of the free downloads we offer, the hands-down most popular resource was the Core Value Progress Chart, with more than 1,500 copies downloaded! Though we were excited about the interest in this great tool, we were left a bit puzzled. In the back of our minds, we wondered, “just what are parents doing with this chart?” since we’ve really only detailed its purpose and use in The Values-Driven Family, which comparatively few of you have read. So we decided to dedicate a series of newsletter articles (and blogs) to explaining the purpose, use, and power of some of the free tools you’ve recently downloaded. Enjoy!

    On the subject of the chart, let’s start by introducing the premise of the core values on which the chart is based. These were not just randomly selected. I (Marc) embarked on a 30-day, verse-by-verse study of what the Bible had to say about family—every page—and took copious notes in preparation for writing VDF. What became obvious in the study was that God cares far more about our being than our doing. The popular “WWJD?” reflects the importance of “doing” what Jesus would do, but our character is of even greater value. What emerged from my study was God’s desire for humanity to manifest certain characteristics—ultimately, to take on the essence of Christlikeness. The 12 values identified through the study are the ones listed on the chart. Since these are the values that God values, they are the character traits that parents need to model, instruct, and encourage their children to manifest.

    The chart itself is a practical means to go beyond just teaching children and helps parents to actively encourage them in greater and greater Christlikeness. It is not just a behavioral checklist. Yes, we identify “target behaviors” and both deficiencies and strengths become obvious. However, the chart is best used as a carrot, not a stick. It is designed to call out positive achievements and encourage positive characteristics. It is not about performance only, but also heart condition.

    For example, we as parents can be busy all day and our two children can stay out of each other’s way with no discord. By our standards we would say they were good and reward them. However, if they were each doing their own thing all day, were they generous? What about humble? Did they have a surrendered heart? Did they extend themselves to show love through service? The obvious point is that God cares about our heart—and He is concerned not only about what we “do,” but about what we don’t do. As such, we use the chart to monitor outward manifestations of an inward heart condition. A praying child is a child exercising faith. A child who is thankful and appreciative, and verbally praises God, is a child who has a heart of praise. If we want our children to manifest an earnest lifestyle of faith that pleases the Lord when they are emancipated, we have to facilitate the Word traveling the 18 inches from their minds to their hearts. When properly used, the chart is a powerful tool to help accomplish that goal.

    How it works: We start our children on charts at age 2—and you would be shocked at how well they understand the values and God’s desire for their conduct at that age. It’s the ultimate tool for making the Word come alive and understandable for someone who otherwise would not be profitably instructed in God’s Word for years.

    Every day (we used to do it twice daily, now only once and only on weekdays) before family devotions, we sit down and recount our day, going down the list with the entire family present to see how each child did in living out the values that God values. It is wonderful to hear a little one shout that another shared a toy or praised God! We check off where they exhibited the core value and cross off and encourage better performance where they were deficient. We reward all children who score a 10 or higher with a small treat—literally a small candy—and we give a larger treat, such as a cookie, for a perfect 12. Make it age-appropriate and desirable—not necessarily snacks. At the end of the week we do a count and everyone who averages a 10 gets an ice cream cone. If they collectively average an 11, we go to McDonald’s for sundaes—that’s a big treat in the Carrier household J.

    One revelation that was surprising was that we, as parents, never really know what a child’s score will be before we go through the list. We think we know–we may have dealt with a stubborn child who had a problem with surrender or obedience, and would certainly rate them as fail in a pass/fail paradigm. However, it reveals a lot when we hear the child say that they prayed that their attitude would improve, and that they tried to praise God as a way to change the direction of their day. You see, we measure what makes our lives convenient as parents and miss many opportunities to encourage our children in behaviors that are pleasing to God. This tool helps us avoid these blind spots.

    The chart comes with a warning: it is only one tool in the tool box! Don’t forget core value lessons, family devotionals, bible study, and prayer. Likewise, discipline as needed and leverage those real-time “teachable moments” all day long. Last but not least, remember that more is caught than taught—our consistent modeling of the core values will carry far more weight than simply going through a chart with the children. The process of using the chart will force us as parents to focus on these character elements ourselves and will give our Heavenly Father an opportunity to minister to our hearts, molding us into Christlikeness at the same time that we disciple our children. Oftentimes it’s an ouch L, but we need it, too!

    If you would like more information about how to use this powerful tool and the others mentioned, please pick up a copy of The Values-Driven Family. You won’t regret it. It has impacted countless families like yours and mine, bringing the Word of God where it belongs–in our hearts and in our homes.

    God bless you!