We are playing “catch-up” a bit here at the Carrier home. Marc has been away on business for a good portion of the last six weeks. Some standards have had to be relaxed a bit, and there has probably not been as much consistency as there should be in some areas. Some of that is because my “mother’s heart” was feeling a little too much sympathy for the children (with missing their Dad and all), and part of it was simply that by the end of many of those L-O-N-G “solo” days, I was feeling exhausted and just didn’t want to deal with things the way that I should have. Not to mention, I often went to bed too late, got up too late in the morning—and missed altogether too many of my daily “quiet times.”
So this week, with Dad back at the helm, we are trying to return to some sense of normalcy—being more proactive and consistent in our discipleship efforts, raising the standards as far as diligence and quality of work (which has been one of the unfortunate casualties of this season), and simply trying to enjoy one another in the midst of all the “to-do’s.”
Have you ever gone through (or are you going through) a season where things have gotten far more out of whack than you would like—and maybe through no fault of your own, but simply circumstance? Or, like us, have you been “lazy” for too long in some areas, and now want to get back to a place where you once were?
We have written about the “re-boot” as a short-term solution for improving the atmosphere and tone in the home. We use this method and highly recommend it. However, when life’s circumstances sneak up on you (or maybe snowball) and you are dealing with more than just adjusting attitudes—what do you do?
As I have been thinking about where we are at, and how we have dealt with that issue personally this week, I see the necessity of something more like a “system restore.” You know, when your computer has been working just fine, and then suddenly you notice lots of glitches or shut-downs. Or maybe you installed a new program and suddenly there are quirks in your system. You aren’t sure what is wrong or how to fix it, exactly. Maybe, like me, your first instinct is to re-start the computer. But that doesn’t work! My next step is normally to do a system restore. It’s pretty simple, actually—just choose a “restore point” (before those pesky problems cropped up!) and have the computer return to the settings that were saved from that day and time. Bingo! It almost always works for me. Then, if I want to install that new software, or if I was trying to work on something in particular, I return to it—usually without a problem.
When we go through seasons of difficulty (such as we have for the past month and a half) and then begin to see problems—and particularly when we know that that there are no “quick fixes,” but rather painful realities of simply buckling down and persevering in our relationship with God and with one another—it is easy to get discouraged. To feel like throwing in the towel, because it’s too overwhelming. And the feeling of guilt is there, too, which certainly does NOT help matters!
Enter “system restore.” I decided early this week that this was our only solution. I needed to ditch the guilt and the “if only’s,” and START OVER—just return to what we had previously been doing, even though in my mind’s eye there was no way to just clean a slate that had gotten a bit sloppy. So we went back to solid training, genuine encouragement and positive relationships, and corrective discipline as necessary. No talking about it—just doing it. And of course, things always get worse before they get better, don’t they? All of us are feeling a bit stretched, but I remain encouraged—because we are simply getting back to a place we have already been. It feels a bit like Revelation 2:5 (though certainly not in context!): “Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.”
Sometimes seasons in life change us, or change what we are doing (and not necessarily for the better). I suppose the tendency is to over-psychologize or to swing the pendulum to the opposite extreme (sometimes causing MORE problems)—but there should be none of that with a “system restore.” We must simply be willing call a “do over,” and then do even the “hard” things when life suddenly seems messed up. Just get back going in the right direction!
Now, back to the computer analogy…after a “system restore,” you will usually go back to whatever it is that you were doing, right? If you had installed a new program that caused glitches, or if you had changed an existing program that was messing things up, you will re-visit that after a system restore, and try again to do the new thing. Sometimes those changes are necessary to upgrade and optimize your system.
Well, one thing that we have done is to slightly revise our use of the Core Value Progress Chart along with the “system restore.” (The CVPC is available as a free download when you sign up for our e-newsletter here.) In The Values-Driven Family, we talked about using the CVPC as an as evaluative a tool twice each day for our children’s character training—and it still is just that. However, we are now several children removed from the writing of the book and life has gotten immeasurably busier. Some time ago, we decided to do the charts just in the evening, and then only on weekdays. That worked fine for quite a while. Now, however, we have been feeling consistent pressure during the bedtime routines to “make it all happen.” With another child now using the CVPC (we’re up to five of age) doing charts is a bit of a chore! But it is such a valuable way to encourage Christlike character that we are not willing to abandon it.
As we have been striving to return to normalcy this week and get back-to-basics, I have also re-done the Core Value Progress Chart. Instead of each child having his/her own, I made up a single “master list” for ALL of the children. That alone makes going through the charts much easier. What we have also done, however, is to put the chart in a plexiglass refrigerator frame and I attached a wet-erase (not dry-erase) marker to it. This makes the chart totally re-usable each week—I love the idea of not using so much paper!
And rather than wait until the evening to do a post-mortem review of the children’s day, I am more proactively trying to note (and encourage) positive behaviors throughout the day and check (or “X,” for negative behaviors) each child’s chart accordingly. It is a good opportunity to encourage an as-needed change in direction, actually. It is nice to be able to glance over the chart at lunch time and say, “Gee, I did notice that you were being a little bossy to your sister. That would normally give you a ‘ding’ on your chart (which is what we accidentally started calling those X’s…), BUT, if you can make some progress with speaking more kindly and lovingly this afternoon, we’ll be able to give you a check instead. Let’s try to do it God’s way!”
All in all, this process revision has been working very well. It provides more consistency in our biblical values training and streamlines the evening routines (with not so much of the charts to do for each child, many things already having been noted throughout the day).
We take the opportunity to evaluate our family’s progress (particularly in spiritual and character growth, but also on the practical to-do’s) on a regular basis. The more often we do this, the more likely we can make small changes (like the “re-boot”) that can keep us moving in the right direction. However, when we go through prolonged seasons that have more far-reaching consequences, a “system restore,” with some thoughtful changes in routine, may be in order. Don’t be discouraged if this is the case in your family. Instead, be thankful that the Lord continues to guide you and give you wisdom in making necessary changes. Trust that He will continue to work all things for good. And in all things, remain diligent—both in day-to-day tasks and (especially) in the spiritual disciplines that are necessary for abundant life.
