Author: valuesdr

Works for me Wednesday: Everyday Forgiveness

valuesdr

When I woke up this morning, I thought, “Wow, it’s Wednesday already!” I was not feeling very inspired about Works for me Wednesday (Sorry, Shannon!)…but I didn’t NOT want to participate.

It’s been one of those days. Actually, I’ve been having a few of “those days.” Many of the things I should be doing, I haven’t been. And the things I didn’t want to do, well, there they are (read more about that here). So you can see why I wasn’t feeling very gung-ho about Works for me Wednesday.

But, as we went out and about in town this morning–listening to some good music on the way–I was reminded that I’M NOT PERFECT. I was also reminded, though, that I still am PERFECTLY FORGIVEN. And I am so thankful for that.

This isn’t a cyber-altar call, folks, so don’t get nervous (or offended). For a good rundown on that all-important stuff, click here. What I want to talk about is the everyday gospel–everyday “good news”–everyday forgiveness.

I remember a friend of mine, years ago, complaining about her holier-than-thou brother and sister-in-law. They so turned her off because of their religiousity. On the other hand, she’d seen my kids run away when I called them to come to me…and I probably raised my voice once or twice, too. And, although I can’t say I was pleased about it at the time–and I thought I was such a poor witness for Christ–I got to say to her, in all honesty, “Honey, I’M NOT PERFECT. I’m just PERFECTLY FORGIVEN.” That’s the truth, and I’m sticking with it.

Salvation, for me, wasn’t saying a magic prayer and carrying on with life as usual. Jesus changed me. Because of Jesus, I see the ugliness that is in me. I hate it. I so want to be better than that. If left to my own devices, I could not forgive myself. But I know that Jesus forgives me. Not just when I said the “Jesus, come into my heart” prayer…but every day. Every moment of every day, if I need it. And sometimes I feel like I do. An awesome song that always makes me cry is called “God Loves You,” sung by Charlie and Jill LeBlanc and the worship team at Joyce Meyer Ministries. (It’s on a CD called “Intimate Moments,” and–as an aside–I am SO bummed that I lost mine because it’s no longer being prduced.) Anyway, it goes like this:

Well every person fails
And every man needs love to pick him up, time after time
This world can use you up
And leave you with a world of care
Where hope used to shine.
But God can give you strength
When all you’ve done is fall,
So say it ’till you understand,
And tell me, do you really understand?

God loves you
and made you for the pleasure of knowing you…
God loves you
and made you for the pleasure of showing you
that God loves you.

At times like this, I just have to keep reminding myself that God loves me anyway. Even when I don’t love myself.

I went to a local church with my kids somewhat recently for a special service. A visiting minister shared a sermon and then spent some time praying for people. I had to sneak out early (10 PM…early?!), but he stopped me before I got out the door to pray for me and for my children. I felt like God spoke to me. Here is what he said (the minister, not exactly God…),

“You’re not Super Woman.” (Agreed. Preach it, brother!)

“You’re not a super wife.” (Well, not always, no.)

“You’re not a super mother.” (Okay, now you’re going too far, guy!) But then he spoke what I have always felt is my life statement:

“But you are doing the very best you can. And what you can’t do, God can.”

So today, I am thanking God again for the gift of my salvation through Jesus Christ. I need Him. I need His forgiveness. Every day. That really works for me.

What’s Your Weakness?

valuesdr

This is Deborah, and she has a problem with self-control.

I’m not sharing any secrets here. Even though she’s only three, she has actually confessed to me, “I don’t have any self-control!”

You can see from this picture (taken at Christmas) that she loves to eat. Candy and sweets, especially–but any food-related item is fair game. She’s even been caught eating scented lip balm. (If it smells like strawberry, maybe it tastes like it, too!)

This week has been a little difficult for little Deborah. She’s experienced more discipline than normal, it seems like. All because she struggles with self-control. This seemingly little thing has translated into bigger problems–namely, in the area of faithfulness. For our children as small as Deborah, we define faithfulness as “obeying Mommy and Daddy even when we’re not there.” Why is faithfulness important? Most obviously because, as Christians, we need to obey our unseen Heavenly Father rather than giving in to our own thoughts or fleshly desires. It’s more than helpful to encourage this character trait in our little ones, so that as they mature they will be better-equipped in their spiritual journey.

So what began as a problem with self-control snowballed into issues with faithfulness. She started sneaking into the candy drawer. Then lying about it–only to have us peer into her mouth, see little pieces of sugar on her back teeth and smell the telltale jelly bean odor. She’d eat toothpaste out of the tube, get caught, and insist that she was “just spreading it around with her finger.” Again, the breath-test proved her guilt.

We thought about moving the candy to an inaccessible location. Making sure even the toothpaste was under lock-and-key. But, honestly, those solutions would be like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. They would eliminate the behaviors, but they wouldn’t change anything about Deborah’s level of self-control, or her faithfulness. So we persevered in disciplining her consistently every time she got into trouble. We made sure to talk with her, off and on, about the value of self-control and the importance of doing the right thing–even when no one was watching. These discussions weren’t part of a disciplinary “lecture,” but rather little comments made during everyday life.

What was most heart-breaking for me was seeing Deborah struggle against her flesh. She knew she needed to do better. She wanted to do better. She prayed to do better. But when presented with the opportunity to sneak something sweet, she caved. As the days wore on, the struggles became obvious. While she normally is full of singing–she loves praise songs!–these were notably absent. Her usually smiling face was a little more somber. Oh, how I prayed for her! I wanted to make it easier for her. But at the same time, there is value in persevering through discipline. I wanted her to learn to master her flesh and grow in faithfulness more than I wanted to make her life easier for the moment.

Thankfully, after a few hard days at the beginning of the week, there seemed to be a breakthrough. Deborah ended the week without any incidents of sneaking treats. She started to smile more. And I heard her sweet singing while she went about her chores and her play.

Of course, this is our Heavenly Father’s attitude about us, isn’t it? He loves us, and it breaks His heart to see us struggle. But, He values our spiritual maturity more than our temporary comfort. He could take away all the things that tempt us, but then, we wouldn’t ever progress in our faith walk.

One consistent area of weakness, for me, is my emotions. When I am pregnant, nursing, weaning a baby, or sometimes just plain tired, that subtle feeling of discouragement often snowballs into depression. How many times have I prayed that God would remove this stumbling block for me?

And of course, I’ve had particular difficulties in this area this week. Deborah and I have been struggling together, each trying to strengthen and master a different area of weakness. The parallel isn’t lost on me. God is teaching me as I try to teach her. And honestly, the humility of going through struggles myself has helped me to deal gently with Deborah. We’re both in the same boat.

For as many times as I’ve asked God to take away the feelings of discouragement and depression that sneak up on me, He keeps reminding me , “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, like the Apostle Paul, “I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” God could remove my weakness–but, if I have the right mind about it, I will embrace it instead. Why? Because that “thorn in my flesh” reminds me to focus on God, not myself. It reminds me to pray all the time. It reminds me to “take every thought captive” and praise God, even when I don’t feel like it. These things are hard to do, and sometimes it takes me a couple of days to get back up when I’ve fallen down–but when I do get back up, hopefully I am strengthened somehow.

And ultimately, I rejoice in my weakness because it helps me to deal with my little ones, like Deborah, with some compassion. It reminds me that we’re all growing in the Lord together–and they need grace from me, just as I pray for grace from the Lord. We all have different weaknesses, but we need to support and encourage one another, and help each other grow. Sometimes that means doing hard things–you know, that “tough love.” But let’s not forget that God works all things for good–even discipline:

“And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:

‘My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.’

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.” (Hebrews 12:5-10)

Works for me Wednesday: Desktop Productivity

valuesdr

Another edition of Works for me Wednesday. Welcome back, Shannon! All the blogging about the work of Compassion International and sharing Shannon’s heart about it has really blessed my socks off and given me so much to think about. I hope y’all have taken the time to catch up over there!

But, on to the WFMW topic at hand… You computer-savvy folks are probably well ahead of me on this one, but I just wanted to share my recent discovery of iGoogle. It has revolutionized my desktop and totally enhanced my productivity in working from home, homeschooling, and optimizing the few “personal” things I do on the Internet.

I downloaded the iGoogle software a couple of weekends ago and spent a couple of hours setting up my own personal Google homepage. Here’s what it looks like:

You can see that it has the Google search box up top. Note also the black arrow I put in–this points out one neat feature that I really like. You have a basic “default” or homepage, but you can create tabs for other categories. I have my home page with the regular tools that are helpful, then I have a tab for our book business/ministry, and a tab for my personal stuff.

The graphic is a template and there are many to choose from, depending upon your style and taste. I like the country theme. There are a couple of neat ones with sunrise/sunset that change throughout the day. After choosing your basic theme, the fun begins.

You go into the “gadgets” section and add in things that you use frequently. I have a clock and calendar, news stories, a daily Bible verse, and local weather. I also included “Art of the Day” and “National Geographic Photo of the Day.” This is a really easy way to remind myself to integrate the arts into our homeschool consistently (this is a subject area I don’t tend to emphasize–but again, the gadgets provide just one EASY way to do so, and on a daily basis!)

That’s the top half of my page. Here’s the bottom:

See that yellow notebook page? It’s my to-do list–I LOVE IT!! There are many other styles as well. This one lets you easily move items “up” or “down,” and others let you prioritize (high, medium or low). I also have gadgets for White Pages, Wikipedia, and “How Stuff Works” (intriguing questions-and-answers on topics of all kinds; again, great for homeschooling!)

Other tools that I’ve found incredibly helpful (and which are in use on my “personal” tab, pictured below…) include the Google reader (which is, of course, for all your blog/RSS feeds–you might already be familiar with that); and the Google Bookmarks. The Bookmarks gadget keeps my favorite Internet sites organized by category and I can view one list at a time, instead of looking at that long (and disorganized) drop-down list of sites that I was used to.

I find the bookmark setup incredibly helpful because I have one category called “Kids,” where I’ve put in all of the Internet sites that the kids are allowed to access (all for educational/homeschooling purposes–no games.) When I ask them to use these sites during school time, they know they can just open the browser, click on my “personal” tab, and select the “Kids” label to access the site they need. Easy enough! I have my favorite shopping sites bookmarked, online banking and bill payment sites as another label–Wow, I’ve never been this cyber-organized!

One more feature that has been helpful in an unexpected way (which is not iGoogle, but just another Google tool) is the Google Desktop. You can see it here as a sidebar, but you can also collapse it down onto your taskbar:

This has a clock, weather, updated news headlines, an AWESOME Scratch Pad to make quick notes, AND…the coolest feature (see it there at the orange pointer?)…a SLIDE SHOW that scrolls through all the photos in “My Pictures” folder. That was the unexpected BEST thing to help us “integrate” and meet multiple objectives in our home.

I was working on our book business/ministry Web site and trying to balance that with homeschooling–so my older boys were sitting alongside me at the desk while I talked out loud about the Web design elements I was using, the concept of WYSIWIG, and some basic HTML. But of course, I have little ones, too, and I don’t want to feel like I’m neglecting them–either for work or for the older kids’ academics. But suddenly my toddler was in my lap, looking at the slideshow and squealing with delight. She’d see a family picture and start naming everyone in it, or ask, “Who’s that?” about one of their baby pictures that she didn’t recognize. Then my preschoolers wormed their way in behind their big brothers, and everyone was reminiscing about fun family times, talking about places we’d been, and so on. And since it’s a slideshow, it was like a movie–a rare treat and a real attention-getter in our house! 🙂 So we did Web design, loved on each other, and got some needed work done, all in one!

We are firm believers in integrating as many “life elements” as possible, so that we can make the most of every opportunity. iGoogle and the Google desktop feature have just become one more tool in our ever-expanding toolbox to make our days function more seamlessly–and more peacefully.

Works for me Wednesday: 3Ms for Busy Moms

valuesdr

Here it is, another “Works for me Wednesday!” This time it’s being hosted by “Don’t Try This at Home,” since Shannon is in Africa with Compassion International. (By the way, this is really an innovative and impressive venture–you need to check out all of the contributors’ blogs about the Compassion ministry.)
Recently I’ve been unusually busy (between the little ones, homeschooling, home management, and finishing up a new book, “The Growing Homschool“–and then updating the Web site as a result of these changes). I thought I would share a few things that have helped me make the most of my time during this somewhat hectic few weeks. Even though there have been some overwhelming (and, yes, discouraging) moments when I have not been at my best, overall things have remained orderly. *Overall.* It’s about direction, not perfection, folks–let’s remember that. 🙂
Even though I am not a big fan of “twelve steps” or “ten tips” or what have you (I tend to get confused with trying to remember and follow many points in the busyness of every day), the three things that I’ve been trying to stay focused on these past few weeks all conveniently start with “M,” so I’ll call this “3 Ms for Busy Moms.” It’s what has worked for me in helping to maintain an atmosphere of order and peace, in spite of a higher level of activity, and more distractions. Here goes:
Maximize
The most important thing, for me, has been having a mind-set of “maximizing” each moment. I am reminded of Colossians 4:5, which tells us to “make the most of every opportunity.” Granted, in context the passage is speaking of being a witness for Christ to those who don’t know Him, and I’m thinking of it in a broader context–so bear with me.Basically, what I take away from this Scripture is that it’s important to live “in the moment,” whatever the moment is. If it’s a good moment, relish it. Days are only made up of moments, after all. So when a child comes to the desk where I’m working and shows me a picture, I can really look at it. I can appreciate the effort that they put into it, and tell them so. When I’m making dinner, I can be thankful for the food that the Lord is putting on our table, and do my best at serving something that my family will appreciate (forgetting about other things, at least for the moment!). If I’m listening to one of my children, I can actually pay attention and ask questions about what they’ve said, rather than just saying “uh-huh” and nodding my head.

And if the moments are not-so-good, I try to make the most of them anyway. I try (TRY!) to make my first thought a question: “Lord, what are you trying to teach me?” Or, if my children are driving me crazy, I have to step back and think, “How can I make the most of this negative behavior?” When the kids misbehave, it’s important for me to find out what lessons they can learn through the discipline, and I make a mental note of areas where I can provide more concentrated training to reduce the incidents of misbehavior in the future. For example, when the children are bickering over a toy, I may remind them that God values generosity (whereas they are exhibiting selfishness). I will ask them to talk about who will use it, and to speak to one another in a loving way. If they continue, I may separate them each into a corner for a few minutes. My usual comment is something along the lines of, “If you can’t play nicely together because you’re thinking only of yourself, then you can spend some time by yourself in the corner.” Then, I remind myself to get the children into some good Bible verses or stories about generosity, once we’re not so in-the-midst of an emotionally charged situation.
So, good moments or not-so-good, I’ve been trying to maximize the moments and get the best out of them that we possibly can.
Minimize
Maximize the moment, minimize the distractions. Minimize the stuff that’s not-so-important. That’s been high on my list of priorities, particularly during these last couple of weeks. I use call waiting or the answering machine to screen calls and typically I will only answer if I have “nothing” going on (which is rare), or if it is my husband calling (which is also rare, since he works from home!). I give a call or email back when it’s convenient–and quiet. And speaking of email, I’ve also been minimizing my time on the Internet (not on the computer, as I’ve been working on the aforementioned Web design). I respond to important emails right away so they don’t languish in my inbox, but anything that can reasonably wait gets flagged and I respond after the children have gone to bed…or whenever I can get to it.
I also try to minimize the “trouble” that the children can get into (particularly at times like this when I’ve had a project of my own that’s taken up an unusual amount of my time). I do this by providing a directed activity and expecting the children to focus on that activity for at least 20-30 minutes. It may just be reading books on the couch. Other times it might be using play dough at the table, doing puzzles, or filling in coloring books. My school age children have daily assignments that they are expected to complete independently. Language arts and math are almost always done on their own (while of course I am available to provide direction and answer questions), and then we get together for science, social studies, and art or music.
Lately I’ve also been minimizing meal preparation, while still trying to eat somewhat healthy. We rarely rely on convenience foods, so I’m thankful that I’ve been double-cooking and freezing meals recently. It’s nice, on a busy day, to know that I can just run to the freezer and pop something in the oven at 4:00. If I am making something from scratch, I’ve been relying on no-frills basics that we all enjoy, like homemade pizza or a big casserole that will last for two days instead of one.
Multi-task
Multi-tasking is a common buzz phrase these days. When I think of multi-tasking, I tend to think of juggling. Sooner or later, one of the balls is bound to drop. Which one?Homeschooling…housekeeping…child training…family relationships…quiet time with the Lord…work?? So although I do try to “multi-task” by having multiple activities going on at once (fold a load of laundry while reading a book to the toddler, and checking every few minutes to see that supper isn’t burning on the stove), it’s more common that I actually view multi-tasking as integration. Sorry, I wanted to make it fit with the “3Ms,” though. Maybe it should have been “two Ms and an I.” But that just doesn’t have the same ring to it. 🙂
What does integration look like?
One fun way I’ve found to “integrate” this week was to do my Web design with an audience. A couple of the older children sat around the computer and I talked out loud about what I was doing and why. They actually learned some basic things about HTML and using WYSIWYG software like Microsoft Expressions.
On one recent, really nice day–unseasonably warm for winter–the boys were itching to go outside and play (and I was happy to let them) but I didn’t want to take a day off of school. So before they went outside they wrote down some estimates for lengths and widths of things that were out in the yard, then once they were outside, they did the actual measurements and calculated the difference. Then they were excused to play!
My husband has been integrating some relationship-building and some “science” with our oldest, who has a bit of money saved and an interest in solar power. So they’ve been researching solar cells, solar-powered battery chargers, power-up times, and many other things over the Internet while my husband is on lunch or after the little ones get tucked into bed for the night.
While I cook, I usually have one child “help”me, which is a great way to teach new skills and build relationship, all while getting a necessary household task done.
We always have meals together as a family, and sometimes during breakfast or lunch (which is usually just me and the kids) we’ll just talk or else I may read aloud from a good book. And no matter what we do, we try to focus on character training by discussing relevant Scripture verses or character traits that are of value to God.
So if you’re a busy Mom, perhaps it will help you to focus on the 3Ms: Maximize by making the most of every moment; minimize distractions by proactively addressing time killers and giving your children something productive to do; and multi-task by integrating family relationship-building with day-to-day work or chores, integrating academics with character training or whatever else works for you.

Encouraging words

valuesdr

I would say that I come off as more critical than encouraging (others may disagree, but I know my heart). Cindy is like that too. Comes mainly from the feedback and environment we had as children. As a result, we have to be proactive in encouraging our children, and each other. I for one am a man of few (encouraging) words. Cindy knows she is loved and appreciated, but not told or shown nearly as much as she should be, I suppose. Likewise, it doesn’t trickle down as much as it should.

One awesome trend I see is that when we get encouragement from all of YOU, our readers, we, in turn, keep it going. Sometimes it comes the other way around–when we are more proactive, we get a lot of encouragement from those the Lord is ministering to through our ministry.

I certainly want to encourage all of you to proactively encourage those around you. It is amazing how much impact a few kind words, a brief phone call, or a quick note can have on an individual, and as a result, all the people in their sphere of influence. Here are a few words of encouragement we have received from out there in cyberspace.

Here are some notes from our readers (all from 2008)–numerous thank yous and God bless yous also. We get thousands of visitors and really appreciate every single encouraging comment. Although we serve an audience of ONE, it’s really nice to hear that the resources are having an impact. Thank YOU from all of us at Values-Driven!

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An Illustration of the Father-Led Family

valuesdr

In Christian circles, there’s lots of talk about what some would term “patriarchy”–that is, the “father-led” family. Biblically speaking, fathers have been designated to lead the family and are responsible for its function. Unfortunately, in the course of human history, men have oftentimes abused this God-given role and, in knee-jerk fashion, society has shifted some of that burden onto women.

The father-led family isn’t to say that women aren’t capable, or in fact aren’t vital to the health of the family unit. It’s just to say that men and women have different roles. Not better or worse; not important and less-important; just different. And mutual respect is crucial as we (as husbands and wives, fathers and mothers) live out our biblical callings within the family.

The reason I bring this up is because a recent event in the Carrier home provided a neat illustration of this “father-led” family ideal.

I told our two older boys that it was “room cleaning day” and ran down some of the responsibilities associated with the job: clean off the bureaus except for a few things they wished to display; organize the desk drawers and clear off the desk tops; clean under the bed; and clear and vacuum the floor.

After cleaning for approximately 30 minutes, my older son came upstairs. I asked if he was done. He replied, “Yes. But I paid Jo some money and gave him one of my arrows if he would vacuum the floor and clean up the mess of books that the girls left in our room.” I said, “Are you aware that the responsibility for the condition of the room is still yours, even if your brother doesn’t do an adequate job?” To which he responded, “Yes, and I will double-check his work when he is finished.” I said, “Good! Just make sure that when you are both done, your work will pass my inspection.”

That is what happened. And the work passed my inspection. While his brother dutifully did some of the extra room-cleaning chores, my oldest worked on a pet project that he’d had percolating in his mind all morning. Then I put him to work setting the table for breakfast and helping to get food on the table. So he didn’t exactly get a reprieve from all work, even though he wrangled his way out of some of the more distasteful chores that were part of his initial assignment. Frankly, he’s not that good at vacuuming, anyway–his brother has much greater attention to detail in that area :).

And as it played out, I could clearly see this as a great example of how the “father-led” family works. Here, the two brothers each had a job to do. Yet the older (who usually is the more assertive) arranged for the younger to do some additional tasks on his behalf. However, the oldest was still responsible for the final condition of his part of the room–even if his brother had done the work.

In the same way, men are uniquely tasked by God to lead the family. They have the authority to make decisions. But they also have the authority to delegate. Yet it does not mean that women do not have a voice; it doesn’t mean that they are doormats. And in the final analysis (because of this authority), men are ultimately responsible for how they lead their families in the Lord, and if they are faithful to His ways.

Here’s an excerpt from our first book, The Values-Driven Family, that shares our perspective on this issue. (And, as an aside, we invite you to join us every Tuesday and Friday [starting this Tuesday, February 12], when we’ll blog the book from beginning to end!) Anyway, here’s the excerpt:

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On our family journey, leadership is one of the important elements that we are wise to address before we even start the car. Biblically, family leadership is a father’s responsibility. Dad is in the driver’s seat on the journey to family success.

Joshua was the leader of the nation of Israel and also the leader of his own family. A mighty servant of God, he exhorted the nation of Israel to “…choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve.” As the decision-maker for his family, he then stated, “as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD” (Joshua 24:15). This decision is as relevant today as it was in ancient history. God calls us, as Christian fathers and family leaders, to choose to serve him wholeheartedly.

Unfortunately, the time-honored, Biblical design for the family has become increasingly skewed as society has changed over time. Today, the role of childrearing is more often seen as a mother’s responsibility. To be sure, mothers are uniquely suited to bearing and nurturing children; it is for this reason that God designed the marriage relationship. However, women were given as “helpers” rather than leaders within the family unit (see Genesis 2:18, Genesis 2:20-24). While mothers have a role in raising children, it is fathers who bear the responsibility. Ladies, that’s the good news! The news you may not want to hear is that with responsibility comes authority (Genesis 3:16).

Generally speaking, it is unfair to hold someone accountable for things over which they have no control. Therefore, since husbands are given responsibility for the family, they are also granted the authority to make decisions as to how the family will be provided for, educated, governed, and the like. A wife’s role, then, is as God said: to help and support her husband in his endeavors. After all, he has an awesome responsibility that he can’t manage alone.

God gave Adam the task of working the garden of Eden, but said that it was “not good” for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18)—this is the only time in the Creation account that God made this statement. In fact, only when God had made both man and woman did he call his work “very good” (Genesis 1:31). In light of these Scriptures and based on his study of the Hebrew term for helpmate, which is ezer, a friend of ours offered a good analogy to illustrate the role of the woman as a helpmate. Imagine you are working on a house project, and your 5-year old comes and asks, “Daddy, can I help?” You might respond, “Um, well, sure. Hold that screwdriver for me and hand it to me when I need it, OK?” Do you really need the “help”? No. But it is a form of help nonetheless.

Alternatively, suppose that you are hiking with a partner and you lose your footing, slipping down a steep cliff. You grasp onto a rock outcropping and are dangling in mid-air. You cannot pull yourself up in your own strength…you need help! So your partner runs over, gives you his hand, and pulls you up. This second example of “help” is more in line with the definition of “helpmate” than the first. God gave woman to man as an able-bodied assistant—as one who would make him complete; hopefully this simple illustration will help men to honor and respect their wives’ roles and contributions within the family unit.

Using the journey analogy, we can simply summarize the Biblical teaching this way: mothers are passengers in the car. They are in the front seat alongside of their husbands and they act as co-navigators, but they’re not driving. In fact, if they try to control the route by jerking the wheel or stomping on the brake pedal, you can expect an accident. Not only that, but if the second-in-command becomes a “backseat driver,” no one enjoys the journey!

This father-led family is certainly the Biblical ideal, and God designed it that way for his good purposes. With that said, however, there are circumstances in life that may render a family unable to follow this traditional model. While the role of a single parent (father, mother, or other primary caregiver) will, by default, be that much more difficult than a two-parent model, it’s not impossible for you, as a single parent, to successfully emancipate your children and receive God’s blessings by following his ways.

If you find yourself in such a situation, rest assured that the principles and systems that we share here can still be applied to your family. You will likely have to make additional sacrifices that a two-parent household may not have to. Equally as likely, your task will often seem like an even greater burden. Look for others who can help share your load, and turn to the One who is the source of our strength. He has promised to be a father to the fatherless and to look after the orphan and widow; God has great compassion on all who turn to him for help in their time of need (see, for example, Deuteronomy 10:18, Psalm 10:14, Isaiah 54:4-6).

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To be sure, the “father-led family” can be a controversial topic, even among Christians. So that’s our two cents on the Scriptures, and on how the biblical principles can play out practically in the home. God bless you as you strive for God’s best in this area.

In the world but not of the world

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How do we live life “first and first.” That is, how do we keep God first in our life and family first as well, while juggling all of life’s other responsibilities? This is a great challenge.

You see, anyone who claims to be “sold out” for God yet neglects their parental or marital responsibilities as spelled out by God in His Scriptures, really isn’t sold out after all. For the Word says, “If you love me, you will obey my commands.”

Yes, we serve God through ministering to others within the Church and reaching the lost. We use the gifts God has given us to edify the saints and bringing the unsaved into the fold. Yet, what about “loving our wives as Christ loves the church,” and what about “bringing up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” You see, it is not either or, but BOTH. The letters to Timothy and Titus make clear that what happens in the home is what qualifies or disqualifies church leadership. These folks can’t aspire for the one (serving God) to the neglect of the other (family). It’s both. So how do we “press on for the prize” and “fix our eyes on Jesus” AND invest in our fold in the home, you ask? It’s easy (EASY to know what to do, albeit HARD to do), remove the other idols from your life!

Our appetites and pleasures in this world are selfish, and not of God. We claim we haven’t the time to evangelize our neighbors because we need to invest in our families. We likewise claim we don’t have time for family devotionals because we are busy investing in the Kingdom. Yet, we DO find time to watch television or play on our X-box for an hour or two a day. We would never dream of missing that football game or going on a hunting trip with our friends. We have to squeeze in 18 holes a week whenever the weather is nice and yearn for the golf course when it’s not. These lusts are all idols that distract us from the duties that God has for His children. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10) We are not here to pursue all of our worldly lusts. If you think I am being extreme or harsh, the Word says it better than I ever could.

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.” (1 John 2:15-17)

Now don’t get me wrong, many of the distractions is life are not in and of themselves sinful. However, ANYTHING can be sin if we put it ahead of our duties of serving God and family. Yet, Jesus said that when He was drinking and eating it was noble, and when John the Baptist fasted it was likewise good. Therefore, we must listen to the Spirit and not our fleshly desires, and we will get done exactly what the Lord intends for us. God created us and knows our responsibilities. There is exactly enough time to do everything He wants us to do in a day. However, there may NOT be enough time to do everything WE want to do.

Jesus warned us with the parable of the four soils:

“This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. 13Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.” (Luke 8:11-15)

Most of us fall into the third category, with one foot firmly planted in the world. Lord, I pray that You help us to be “good soil” for the Kingdom work and in the home by keeping “life’s worries, riches and pleasures” from choking our desire to “…press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)

When Your Heart isn’t at Home

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You know the expression, “Home is where the Heart is.” We really feel that since God made us a family, our hearts ought to be at home; we should all gravitate not just toward this place, but towards one another. It is our goal to mutually encourage and edify one another, and to help support each other in our walk with Christ. Particularly when it comes to our children, we (as parents) believe that if their attentions or affections are focused elsewhere, they will not be as likely to embrace the lifestyle of faith that is so important for us to pass along to them.

So we emphasize our bond as family; we work and play together, we minister together in the community as much as is practical, and we pray and try to live God’s Word together. This creates an atmosphere of unity and love, with all of us generally remaining focused on what is most important.

You may have noticed that lately (the past two or three weeks) we haven’t been very bloggy. Well, it started with a visit from my sister. It was a wonderful week and a great family time–much needed and much appreciated. But with all of that came a necessary dividing of attentions and a lesser focus on some of the things that normally are a part of our daily family life. That is to be expected.

After this time I would usually have gone about “re-structuring” and getting back into more normal routines. However, this time I found myself coming off of the “vacation” and getting into a season of more activity–also out of the ordinary. I was finishing up my latest book (finally!!) and it needed last edits and set-up for the printer. Both my husband and I needed to attend to that, which took our attention off of some of the “normal” doings of the home.

Then, in anticipation of offering “The Growing Homeschool” as both an ebook and a paperback, I had to add a new product page to our Web site, and I figured that at the same time I would change over our right hand navigation bar to a preferred design. Mind you, I am in no way an expert in Web design. I have to work my way through using Expressions and the limited knowledge of HTML that I’ve picked up through good old trial and error. So something like a navigation menu, which would be simple to someone else, is not easy for me. Needless to say, although I tried my best to balance this re-design with the usual home management, homeschooling, and so on…it was a little time-and-attention consuming.

Finally today (Web site updates incomplete though they are!), I decided to STOP and just focus on BEING AT HOME. I recall reading somewhere that if your children are exhibiting behavioral problems or if there are peer issues, etc., you as a mom may want to spend more time at home with your children–limiting extra-curricular activities, play groups, errands, outings, and so on. Spending time at home, doing “normal” things, and focusing on your family relationships and the ties that bind helps to restore hearts to the family and to those things that the family values.

And I realized that although we’ve all been “at home,” well, my heart has not been “at home.” I’ve been too distracted by incidental things and not investing enough in what I should be. Are the other things important? Yes! Do I need to do them? Yes! And maybe the timing was just bad, with everything coming together at once and it becoming a bit overwhelming for me. Maybe I was putting things on a timetable that was mine and not God’s (I think that is probably the most likely). Maybe there wasn’t anything I could do about it, I don’t know. But what I do know is that even though I’ve “been” here, I haven’t been actively involved enough in the day-to-day operation of the home, invested enough in the lives of my children, or focused enough on the things that are truly important.

Believe me, I didn’t really feel like blogging about this. It’s a little personal. But I know that God doesn’t want us all living in a vacuum. There is nothing new under the sun, no tempation that is not common to man. So as I write about what’s on my heart, maybe it will serve as a warning to someone else–to take care to keep your heart at home. To remind you that, no matter what else is going on around you, to still keep your focus on the Lord and remember what is most important to Him. And to say that even if you are in a season that seems particularly busy, don’t forget to slow down and appreciate your little ones, consistently disciple your children, spoil your husband, and ENJOY the life that God has given you.

I am thankful that this time of distraction and–ultimately–discouragement has been only a couple of weeks in its course. I’m also optimistic that we’re going to get back on the right track. Because suddenly I feel like my heart is at home again. As always, I remain thankful for God’s grace, and for His faithfulness.

Works for me Wednesday: Favorite Places to Shop

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Shannon at Rocks in my Dryer, host(ess?) of “Works for me Wednesday,” pointed out that she prefers online shopping (because it’s “so much easier than trying to wrangle my gaggle of children in a store!”). Amen to that! I can’t remember the last time I shopped in a store, except for staples like groceries.

As a homeschooling mom, I find myself always looking for educational bargains. As a Christian, I enjoy finding spiritually uplifting resources at a good price. So most all of my links will relate to these two areas.

For personal shopping (which is rare), I browse the cut-throat clearance deals at Christian Book Distributors. They’re online at http://www.christianbook.com/.

For good Christian reading material (for myself or, especially, for the children) I LOVE the selection of books at Grace and Truth: http://www.graceandtruthbooks.com/. I have a long wish-list of things there that are just waiting for the money to catch up with them. 🙂 Their tagline is “Character-Building Books for the Family;” that’s right up our alley.

For homeschool stuff, I love to pop in once in a while at American Educational Products (www.amep.com). I’ve never bought anything there for full price, but they have great clearance deals! (“Surplus Products at Blow-out Prices,” they say.)

Another good homeschool place is The Old Schoolhouse Store–always free shipping, yeah!! They have some of the best prices around and a good selection. http://www.theoldschoolhousestore.com.

Finally, Queen Homeschool Supply specializes in products for “the Charlotte Mason-style educator.” Although I don’t consider us “Charlotte-Mason style educators” (we’re more ECLECTIC, if you insist on labels!), this is a good source of materials at decent prices. http://www.queenhomeschool.com.

Works for me Wednesday: Enjoying my Kids

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Wow, it’s been two weeks since our last post–sorry for the lack of updates! My sister was visiting for a while, and we had such a nice time…but some things (like the blog) got neglected due to the priority of having some good ‘ol “family time.”
So here it is, another edition of “Works for me Wednesday.” (By the way, be sure to visit Rocks in my Dryer for other great tips.) I know that WFMW is usually practical, do-able stuff, but today I’ve got some ideas kicking around that are a little more foundational…philosophical…or whatever you want to call it.
While my sister was here, one of my kids made a comment at the table to the effect of, “You always love us, but you don’t always like us.” I vaguely remembered having a discussion with him to that effect in recent weeks. Ever been there? We love our children to death, don’t we? But sometimes we get overwhelmed, discouraged, or just plain disgusted.
God has worked on me a lot in this area over time. (In fact, see another related post.) I’ve determined to enjoy my children more, and there are a few things that have “worked for me” in this area. So, though not particularly practical, here are my thoughts:

It all starts in the mind.
I think if we want to enjoy our children more, we need to practice having an attitude of praise. Remember how, when the foundation for the temple was rebuilt, the younger generation rejoiced at the completion of the project, but the older generation grumbled because they remembered the former glory? (See Ezra 3:11-13). So don’t think about what the kids didn’t do or how you wanted them to behave; instead, focus on what went right, what was good, and how they (and you!) have made progress in areas of weakness. Maintain a positive perspective.
Reading my grandfather’s autobiography has been enlightening for me. He grew up in Oklahoma during the Great Depression, served in the Army during WWII, and was a prisoner of war of the Japanese for 3-1/2 years. It’s obvious in reading his story that the latter half of his life (post-war) was constantly viewed in light of these experiences. It was impossible for my grandfather to complain about his family, his job, or what others might perceive as hardship in comparison to what he had already suffered. Likewise, after seeing so much death and destruction, he was thankful enough to have survived. While we don’t want to get into lots of “what ifs” or let our minds wander too much, suffice it to say we need to be thankful for where we’re at and what we have. Recent news of economic uncertainty (some articles even putting our nation’s status on par with the Great Depression) has certainly caused me to be grateful for our current provision and abundance. Count your blessings!
What normally causes me to grumble or complain, losing focus on what really matters? Usually it’s an overwhelming “to-do” list or those everyday emergencies that I have trouble suddenly juggling. Then, it seems, my patience is automatically tried and I don’t respond correctly to my children. This creates an overall downward spiral in the home and family atmosphere. So what helps here? Generally, I’ve been trying to overlook “the moment” and focus on what is of eternal significance. I ask myself, “If this doesn’t work out as I’d like, will it matter tomorrow…next week…or next year?” “What is more important in the long-term: my child finishing this school assignment, or taking the time to positively disciple my child through an attitude problem?” “What has happened today that has been of eternal value?” Focus on the eternal, not the here-and-now.
Attitude Effects Actions
Even though it all starts in the mind, enjoying your kids means that your actions will be effected. We can do and do and do some more to serve our families, but we need to remember that it’s relationship first. So even though you want to get the bathroom cleaned and homeschooling done and file your tax return, you still need to give your undivided attention to the children when they want to show you a project, or when they ask you a question, or when there’s a disciplinary issue to deal with. Make sure you take even a few minutes to participate in their play, read a story, or put on some music and dance. At the very least, smile more! “Be there” for your children.
Finally, allow your “eternal perspective” to set your priorities. Does it matter if the laundry pile sits there for one more day? Do you have to cook a three-course meal for family dinner, or will a casserole of leftovers do? Is it a really big deal if your third-grader does two pages or three in his workbook? Granted, you can’t reasonably neglect any one area of life, whether it be home management, ministry, work, or homeschooling. However, if you’re thinking long-term, some of those things will really obviously not matter much in the short-term. Do what matters most, first!
These are just a few of the things that have worked for me in helping us all to enjoy each other more as a family. Hope something here will encourage you!