Category: parenting

Training, Encouraging, Disciplining, and…the Holy Spirit

valuesdr

If you’re at all familiar with Values-Driven, some things should be obvious: we take very seriously our parental duties of training, encouraging, and disciplining our children. We also have a discipleship focus and desire to show them a lifestyle of loving and serving the Lord. We have proactive things that we “do” to support each of these aspects of biblical parenting, but we also are well aware of the necessity of bathing our efforts in prayer. In the past few days, we’ve had a couple of instances which have also reminded us of the blessing of seeing the Holy Spirit work–God doing His part as we do ours.

When it comes to disciplining our 5 year-old daughter, Marc and I often joke that she has an iron backside and a will to match. Everything she does is dramatic–including her repentance. Once there is breakthrough, her sorrow is heartfelt and genuine. The change in her behavior is instantaneous–the Holy Spirit has obviously been doing something. Those are the moments that make it all worth it.

The other day, I saw the Holy Spirit at work when we were unaware. On Saturday morning, our 10 year-old son *sighed* about coming in for family devotions because he was anxious to try out the new bow he’d gotten as an early Christmas present from his Uncle and Aunt. Marc reminded him that nothing should come between him and his relationship with the Lord and casually said, “If anything comes between you and God, maybe you should give it away.” The reminder helped him to adjust his focus and we carried on with Bible reading and prayer as usual.

Later in the afternoon, my 5 year-old daughter was helping me cook supper. While we stood at the stove, she confessed, “Before when you asked me to do some cleaning up in my room, Hannah [her sister] did it all because I was playing with my new doll set.” (Her magnetic “dress up” doll, also an early Christmas gift from another Aunt!). “And remember what Dad said about giving things away if they come between you and God? Well, I thought I liked my set too much. And I don’t think Bekah’s [her older sister] is as nice as mine. So I asked Bekah to trade sets with me so I wouldn’t disobey you when you asked me to do something.”

After thanking her for sharing her heart and encouraging her about her decision–reminding her how much that pleased God–I had to remind myself, she’s only 5! How long did it take me to arrive at a willingness to intentionally give up things that would distract me from loving and serving the Lord? And we, as parents, had really done nothing to prompt it; it was simply the work of the Holy Spirit. All I can do is praise God!

Likewise, our ten year-0ld son came to me yesterday morning after our family devotions and said, “I’d really like prayer. I want to get back to living moment-by-moment and I know I need God’s help.” This makes sense if you’ve read the free ebook we offer on our site, Keys to Kingdom Expansion. It talks about not living “day by day,” but rather, moment by moment, purposefully living each moment to please and glorify God with the choices we make–our thoughts, our words, and our actions. Our boy has taken this to heart, but obviously felt like he had been slipping of late and needed God’s grace and power to help him in this area. Again, this was an internal struggle of which we, as parents, had been relatively unaware. His behavior hadn’t reflected any significant change; he hadn’t been receiving any more correction than usual nor seemed “off” in any way. But the Holy Spirit had obviously been working in him to persevere in walking in a manner worthy of our Lord and Savior…so of course we prayed for his cooperation in that effort.

I don’t share these stories to say anything about our parenting–hopefully you can see that these stories of God’s work in our children’s lives and spiritual growth have very little to do with us and our efforts. Instead, I share this to encourage you to remember that as we work, God works. Don’t forget to pray for your children and ask God to work in your children’s hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to lead and guide them into all truth. Encourage your children to “do” what they can to cooperate with God, but also to listen for the promptings of the Holy Spirit–through the Word, through other godly Christians, or through the “still small voice” inside of them. Remind them that it’s important to listen to the Holy Spirit and obey, so that the voice of God will get LOUDER and not be drowned out by the world or by the lusts of their flesh.

Likewise, as we disciple our children in this area, I pray that we all, as parents, would model this lifestyle of listening and obeying, so that we might all the more glorify God, moment by moment.

Muddling through Motherhood?

valuesdr

Are you muddling through motherhood? Does it sometimes feel like you’re just going through the paces, but not really connecting with your kids or doing the things that God would have you do? Has the thought ever crossed your mind that, yes, you love your children—but sometimes you don’t really like them? Anxious for those little ones to take their afternoon naps (or the big kids to bed at night) just so you can get away from it all?

Now…maybe you’ve always been muddling through motherhood—or perhaps it seems that way. I find that when I get into habits or feel a certain way, I can get myself discouraged and imagine that it’s always been like that. Chances are, it hasn’t. Chances are, you’ve had lots of good days and maybe just a run of bad ones. Maybe you haven’t responded properly and so you’re kind of “stuck” in some ruts. That’s where I’ve been. I guess a good place to start is to share a bit of my testimony in this area.

I have always enjoyed my God-given roles of wife and mother. Being at home has been my preference, and I dearly love my children. My heart’s desire is to love and serve God and to encourage my children to do the same. I can’t say that I’ve been a perfect mother—in fact, far from it. But there has never been any doubt in my mind that my children are a blessing from the Lord and that I take great joy in doing my small part in raising them to be men and women of God. Even when I have struggled with depression (which I have), it has never occurred to me to despise motherhood.

So how did I get to be in a phase where I’ve felt like I’m “muddling”—not only through motherhood, but even through life? Well, it began this summer when I was deeply hurt by someone that I had considered a friend. Honestly, I harbored some unforgiveness and didn’t deal with the offense in a biblical manner. As a result of my disobedience in that area, there was a certain distance between me and God. Before I was able to be restored, I found out I was pregnant—and my first trimesters are always soooo tiring! There were evenings that I would find myself inadvertently nodding off even during our evening family devotions. And get up early in the morning? It wasn’t happening! As a result, I missed my habitual morning quiet times with the Lord for about seven weeks—talk about a LONG time!! So guess what? More distance!

I believe that this was the root of my own season of “muddling through motherhood.” Add to that my husband being laid off and putting our house on the market—that created an almost constant pressure (albeit self-induced at times!) to keep the house in “showing condition.” My own personal spiritual condition was suffering, and life circumstances only compounded the problem.

I slowly began “managing” rather than “ministering” to my children. Not only was there distance between me and God, but now distance was developing between me and them. I was kind of on autopilot throughout each day. Maybe they weren’t my worst days, but I would say that there was a definite absence of effort on my part in many ways, from homeschooling to marriage-building, discipling my children, and everything in between. After a bit, my husband and I of course got around to discussing the issue. In his usual, straightforward way, he said, “Yeah, you definitely aren’t doing as bad as you could be—but you aren’t doing all that you should be.” Okay, so I got the point. I was muddling through motherhood.

So, what did I do—and what do you do if you find yourself there? If you feel like you’re not experiencing God’s best, you may need to ask yourself some tough questions—this is where I started when I realized that I had been muddling through motherhood:

  1. Have I fallen out of the will of God through some disobedience? (For me, this was true. I knew that I should have dealt biblically with an offense, and I did not.) The Bible is clear that sin separates us from God—but also that God forgives us and restores us when we turn to Him. If you feel distant from God on an ongoing basis, think about when it began and see if you can identify the cause.
  2. Am I carrying a grudge against anyone for anything? (In my case, this was also unfortunately true; though I did “want to” and “try to” forgive, it was difficult.) Matthew 5:22-24 warns against anger towards a brother and instructs us to seek forgiveness if we have offended someone. If we are to love God and love others as God’s word says, it’s vital to maintain right relationships. Interpersonal difficulties can have a spiritual effect!
  3. Do I have a substantial prayer life and a connection to God through the Word? (I would say that I attempted to sustain a substantial prayer life, but I had certainly gotten out of the habit of relating to God through His Word) Prayer life and time in the word are the most important elements in having an ongoing love relationship with God. This is how we hear from and talk to Him. We can’t move forward spiritually without them. Without them, we are bound to be dry inside—that’s where muddling through life can begin!
  4. Am I being distracted from my faith by worldliness and failing to seek God first? (For me, not true in this case—but it is certainly something we all struggle with at times.) If we fail to take the admonition of Colossians 3:1-2 to “set [our] hearts on things above,” we certainly will be focused on earthly things—and that can easily throw us off-track.

When I look back on my season of muddling, I can’t believe the number of factors that contributed to my ongoing difficulties! Yet God was—and is so faithful! If you find that there is an impediment such as one of these in your walk with God, repent. Turn to God and desire change in your heart and behavior. Of course, you’re probably familiar with 1 John 1:9, which is a scripture I remind myself of in such circumstances. It says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” And what does God do after that? He begins restoring—bringing us back to an even better place!


Let them LEAN on you!

valuesdr

We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves at the recent convention in St. Louis; met some awesome folks, enjoyed good fellowship, and were happy to see some of you there as well. (A special thanks to Phyllis Wheeler of Motherboard Books, and her gracious family, for hosting us on Thursday and Friday nights!)

One of you whom we met was Laurie, and I had to mention her by name because she stopped by our table every day! We even got to meet her husband, which was super except that now I’ve forgotten his name (sorry!). I know that Laurie’s husband was at Marc’s seminar on Budgets and Schedules, and both of them attended my talk on Friday—“Babies, Toddlers, and Preschoolers, Oh My! Successfully Integrating Little Ones into Your Homeschool.” Though I touched upon many different topics during that hour, Laurie’s husband thought up a really neat acronym to sum up the heart of what I had said in regards to our little ones, our relationship with them, and their needs. I was so tickled by it that I just had to share! Perhaps it will help you to remember some of the things that you can consistently do to help your children feel loved. This is so foundational to successful parenting that we will all benefit from the reminder—no matter what the ages of our children. So here goes:

Your children need to be able to L.E.A.N. on you. Here are some of the foundational things that they require: Love, Encouragement, Attention, and Nurture. Though I talked about these four things specifically in relation to our littlest ones in the context of homeschooling, I’m going to expand on those thoughts here.

Love: The area of my greatest weakness is the whole First Corinthians verse about love being “patient and kind” and “not self-seeking.” I have to admit, I am too easily frustrated with the constant activity, the mess, the interruptions, and the sheer volume of children who all want my attention. Not to mention, I do sometimes get selfish about my time and am apt to follow my own agenda when really I need to be more involved and more responsive to the children. I am a work in progress on this score, so I’m preaching to myself here, too. Every day I try my best…and some days are better than others. However, I’m always willing to confess my shortcomings when they are evident, and make sure that my kids know that I am working on truly being “loving” of them in the way that God wants me to.

Children need to know that they are loved, and our actions truly do speak louder than our words. I’m sure I’m not the only Mom who is glad to let my kids go run around in the yard for an hour or so in the afternoon; the quiet in the house is sooo nice! On the other hand, sometimes I rush them out and I know that they probably get the impression that I really don’t want them inside with me! However, that’s the exact opposite of what the Lord wants me to convey to my kids. He wants me to let them know that they are always welcome to be a part of whatever I am doing. And occasionally I need to be involved in what they are doing—I want to show them that I enjoy being a part of their world. My husband is better at this than I am; he’s the “fun guy” and I suppose I am more functional. So I really have to play doll house with my girls “on purpose” and look and listen when my boys are telling me about their latest project (even if, just maybe, they know more about electrical wiring than I do!)

Displays of affection are never out of place, from a pat on the back to a ruffling of hair or of course a hug and kiss. A private wink at just the right time always is sure to return a smile, and your own smile is a sure way to let your kids know you love them.

But of course we need to use words, too. I try to tell my kids that I love them often and remind them of reasons why they are special to me. They also need to know that God made them as unique individuals and has a special plan and purpose for them. Most importantly, we can remind them of God’s love by pointing them back to the reality and truth of the Gospel and that, “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Encouragement: To pick on myself here again, I am one of those people who has a tendency to be critical…you know, glass half-empty. That’s just one more thing that I constantly try to be aware of and improve upon. Instead of focusing on what the children “didn’t” do, or pick out the ways they fell short (whether in their attitudes and behaviors, school work, or quality of work during their daily chores), I purpose to point out where they did well and what they have done that has been pleasing to God.

As well, I try to encourage them in the Biblical sense, according to Hebrews 3:13. We are told to “encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” I believe that one of our most important roles as parents is to exhort our children with God’s Word and show them how to live, both by our words and our best example, so that they will go forward in their walk with God and not be easily entangled by sin.

In our home, we also encourage our children to encourage each other. When one of the children makes a disparaging remark about another, like, “You didn’t do a very good job cleaning up your room,” we’ll intervene and say, “You know what, God wants us to encourage each other. Your brother did his best work but of course he is younger than you, so it might not be the same as what you are capable of. So instead, why don’t you say, ‘Hey, you worked really hard. You only missed a couple of things—let me help you finish up!’” This process often takes a lot of consistent modeling and encouragement on our part, but it is always nice to hear the children lifting each other up and complimenting each other because we have made that consistent investment of time in character training.

Attention: Sometimes it’s hard to give my children individual attention, since life gets busy and there are many of them. However, it is important! Even if I am in the midst of schooling the older children, I try to keep my little ones accessible so that they know I am “there” for them. Even if I’m technically doing something else, visual attention helps, as well as the ability to provide immediate direction (or re-direction) as needed.

I make sure to look at my children when they are talking to me…although I’m sure there are times when I’m guilty of absently replying, “uh-huh…” as I continue what I was doing, totally oblivious to what they’ve said. It also makes them feel valued when I ask questions about what they’ve said or show excitement by sharing their news with someone else in the family.

We try to make sure we do things individually with each child as well, though it doesn’t happen as often as we would like. Sometimes it’s just simple things, like playing a game of tic-tac-toe or checkers, snuggling on the couch with a book, or having one of the children be my meal-preparation helper so we can talk while we work.

The most important thing I need to keep in mind when it comes to giving my kids adequate attention is just to try to enjoy everyday moments with them. Sometimes it’s easy to get in the mode of “managing” rather than “ministering” to their needs, so I try to make sure to maintain eye contact, smile more frequently, make time for conversation, and look for opportunities to connect with the children no matter what we are doing. It’s okay that life is busy sometimes, as long as we are busy together. I find that it’s when I try to distract the kids with a video too many, or send them off to play by themselves for too long, that they seek attention through misbehavior. I think often of the proverb, “A child left to himself disgraces his mother.” Unfortunately, it’s true! However, proactively giving our kids the attention they need helps keep everybody on the right track.

Nurture: It’s hard to talk about nurture without reiterating some of what has been said already. However, nurture is slightly different. Dictionary.com defines nurture as “to feed and protect,” as well as “to bring up; train; educate.” So for me, nurture has two distinct elements. One is to make sure that my children’s physical needs are met. My little ones get small snacks mid-morning and mid-afternoon even if the older kids no longer need them. I offer water or watered-down juice regularly for proper hydration, try to balance quiet and active times, insure that the little ones get their afternoon naps, and make sure that everyone gets a good nights’ sleep.

Beyond that, spiritual nurture is key. We consistently bring God’s Word into our family’s everyday experiences and try to model living a life that is pleasing to God. When we fall short (which we often do), we admit that with all humility and point our children once again to Jesus, who will never let us down. We are faithful to our twice-daily family devotions and make sure that the kids have their individual quiet times as well. Although these “doings” don’t guarantee that we will all “be” the people that God wants us to be, we believe that we are laying important foundations and developing habits that will lead to godliness, as God works in our children’s hearts to help them desire and seek after Him.

These thoughts most certainly reflect things that you already know; but, again, we all (myself included!) only benefit from an occasional reminder. Our children, and their eternal walk with the Lord, are too important for us to drop the ball in these vital areas. We as parents have moments of disobedience, moments of selfishness, and times when we get discouraged and want to give up. However, we need to press on in this vital calling that God has placed before us. With that in mind, consider how you can help your children LEAN on you today, by providing them with the Love, Encouragement, Attention, and Nurture that they need.

Our Kids aren’t Perfect…but, they’re (almost) Normal

valuesdr

Before I get to my thoughts, I want to remind you to comment for your chance to win a copy of Jill Savage’s “Real Moms, Real Jesus.” I’ll be closing comments later tonight. 🙂

Now, my thoughts…

Are you like me–do you sometimes (maybe too often?) wish that your kids were “perfect”? You know, like other people’s kids? Sometimes I think that if we’re doing it “right,” our kids are gonna look like the Duggars. Neat, clean, and even well-pressed; each one playing an instrument; great school routine; picture-perfect family relationships. I know that even THEY aren’t always like that, but that’s how they are in my head. Or what about Mike and Debi Pearl’s kids, when they were little? I can only imagine that if one of them jumped out of a half-rolled-down car window on command, they were pretty obedient. Although I would love to believe that my kids would do that, most days I’m not so sure. And frankly, having these thoughts in my head as comparisons gets me in trouble more often than I’d like to admit.

We all know that we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. Unfortunately, it’s pretty hard “not” to, sometimes. And other times, it’s not the comparison factor that bothers me, it’s just the fact that MY life would be “easier” if my children were perfect. If they did everything I said, right when I said it, with a cheerful attitude, ALL THE TIME. I could actually keep going with my schedule and my plans–without those seemingly constant interruptions for encouragement, correction, discipline, and discipleship in the Word.

But having a picture-perfect life (even for my own convenience, which I admit is really appealing), has one problem–at least only one that I can see. The Bible tells us that it is through trials that we are made perfect in Christ. We mature through testing and draw closer to God in our imperfections. We become aware more and more of our need for His grace, we rely on His love, we look for His leading. In having those “perfect” kids that I sometimes want, I (and they) would miss out on “working out our salvation with fear and trembling.” (Sigh.) It’s worth it, isn’t it??

Last night we got together with a couple from our fellowship who have grandchildren slightly younger than our own kids. The husband made a comment that I’ve been thinking about all day…something like, our kids are just like their grandkids, and other kids in general. (I could only assume he was referring to…lots of energy, oftentimes loud, busy all the time, sometimes foolish…?) BUT with one difference–that when our kids are told to stop doing something, they stop. When they are asked to do something, they do it.

Sometimes “I” don’t see that. I feel like I’m more inconsistent than I’d like to be, and I suppose my expectations of my children are sometimes unrealistic. So it was nice to get a confirmation that we’re on the right track. And in the final analysis, I think I am glad that other people don’t see our kids as being “perfect.” ‘Cause if they were, I think we would all be missing out. I’m glad that we’re all “real people,” following Jesus together. And I’m glad today for His grace for those those times when none of us are “perfect.”

What is Discipleship, anyway?!

valuesdr

I went to bed at a decent time but found myself up and unable to sleep at about 3 AM. So of course, I went downstairs to download some MP3 audios that I’ve been waiting to listen to. (My ISP has download limits and if we exceed them, our connection is basically shot for 24 hours–yuck!–but we have “free download time”/no limits from 3AM to 6AM. That usually doesn’t mean anything to me, but since I was up anyway…)

Also checked my email and heard from a friend, which was nice. I was glad to have the time to email a lengthy response (there finally being few distractions in the middle of the night, after all…) And the email REQUIRED a lengthy response, because my friend was basically looking for “my” take on DISCIPLESHIP…asking, basically, “What is discipleship, anyway?” Oh, that’s a loaded question! Thought some of you might wonder the same thing…so I figured that since I did the work of putting together my thoughts, I might as well post them here, for what it’s worth. 🙂

———————–

Basically, the word “disciple” (as a verb) means to teach or train. Jesus had twelve disciples that he taught/trained, and His goal was that they would be like Him. Our goal in discipling our children is for them to be like JESUS! However, our biggest problem is our concept of teaching and training. For Jesus, discipleship was a “do as I do” model. In the Hebrew culture, students “lived with” their teachers/”masters” so that they would SEE them live…speak…and put their “teachings” into practice. This model takes time…Jesus was with His disciples for three years, and we know that Paul spent some time in various cities—mostly to invest in this “discipleship” process. I like how the apostle Paul described the process: “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1).

HOWEVER, we have been indoctrinated with a Greek philosophy of education, which replaces the hands-on, “doing life together” model with a knowledge-based model of “teaching”—i.e., lessons of words, readings, etc. These are pretty good at imparting “head knowledge,” but the DOING is difficult because there is not much encouragement for application by example.

When we consider what it means to disciple our children, our goal is to return to the model that Jesus gave us…to keep our children near to us so that they can see our example. To be authentic with our children when we fall short…to teach them about repentance and perseverance in our faith. Essentially, to fulfill the command of Deuteronomy 6:6-7: “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” The idea, though, is not just to “talk,” but to talk about what we’re LIVING and how God wants our children to live.

Training in obedience usually results from being consistent with discipline (I have to admit that, unlike you, we have shown more inconsistency than I’d like in this area!) Training in Christlike character (which is the heart of discipleship, really) is more difficult because it targets the heart, not just outward behavior. While we like to look at behaviors because they’re easier to “correct” and we can see faster results, God cares about the HEART, and that’s the target of this discipleship process…the process of living what we believe and showing our children how THEY can do the same. It takes more time to see results this way, but the results are at the heart-level and so are longer-lasting. Children’s obedience to God’s commands (and our Biblical instruction) doesn’t just come from their conformity due to negative consequences, but it comes from the heart because they desire to live a life that is pleasing to God.

Where I have probably fallen down with discipleship lately (in my “muddling” season!) is in that I have come “disconnected” with my kids. Because Biblical discipleship is a “do as I do” process, we have to invest TIME with our kids…and it’s all too easy to shuffle them off to one place or another, put in a video to get some quiet time for ourselves, or just fill the days with “meaningless” activity just to keep everyone occupied. Likewise, easier to discipline behaviors than to disciple them…that means, instead of “just” providing a consequence for negative behaviors (which often is necessary), we have to invest sometime in talking about things and encourage the children with what God’s Word has to say. Going back to Deuteronomy 6:6-7, this means that WE (parents) have to have God’s “commandments” UPON OUR HEARTS so that we can impart them to our children.

So what does discipleship “look” like? Well, for me it means “explaining” to my children WHAT I’m doing and WHY…not just “being” an example, but showing them my heart. If I’m frustrated, I try to step back and not just apologize, but tell they WHY I’m sorry—because I know that I’m not showing the “patient and kind” love that God wants me to. I explain to them the importance of repentance…the grace of God…and the power of the Holy Spirit that can help us change direction when we’re getting off-track. If I find myself complaining, I eventually get to the point where I say, “God really wants us to have an attitude of praise, not a complaining spirit. When we grumble against our circumstances, we’re grumbling against God—like the Israelites who complained against Moses in the wilderness!” So I find a way to make each of my complaints a PRAISE, and ask the kids to help me out. They can “see” my thought process and how “I” apply God’s Word to my circumstances, to get from where I am to where God wants me to be. They “see” how to live out their faith.

As far as discipling them through THEIR negative behaviors, I “TRY” to be encouraging with the Word rather than punitive (nobody likes to get beat over the head with a Bible!)…there are verses that they may hear a lot (about loving one another, serving one another in love, encouraging one another with their speech…various verses on how to avoid and/or deal with arguments, etc.) and I just keep bringing them up any time they are needed. I trust that eventually they’ll work into the kids’ hearts. And I love now that they’re getting older, we can TALK about their life circumstances, decisions, etc. and THEY can begin to apply God’s Word. With our guidance to help them see the “whole” of Scripture and understand and God’s truth, THEY can see how it applies to their lives. But we can’t do that unless they’re close to us and we’re aware of what’s going on in their lives. Connectedness is so important to the discipleship process!

——————————–

I ended this by reminding my friend that our most-referenced verses–and then some!–are put together in our Values-Driven Discipleship manual…feel free to check it out. 🙂

Practical and Spiritual Preparedness

valuesdr

As a new month rolls in, we were going to send out a topical newsletter with an informational article (we had yet to choose from a number of possible topics). We also wanted to let you know that we are preparing for winter cold season and have some discount immune products available from Beeyoutiful: Bee Strong, Bee Immune, and Berry Well—all at 15% off of Beeyoutiful prices.

Also, we are excited to have our first “Values-Driven Kids” product available—a 54-page character training coloring book called, Growing to be Like Jesus. This will be regularly priced at $4.95 but is available for a limited time for only $2.95!

However, these things pale in comparison to what we feel we must share with you this month, after all. While not our intended agenda, there are matters far more important.

You may have noticed that there haven’t been any posts to our blog for several weeks. At first, we were regrouping from our vacation and settling in right away to a new homeschooling year. Now, this week, we have made a somewhat monumental decision for the Carrier household—Lord willing, we’re going to sell our homesteading parcel here in Indiana and look for something smaller that we can purchase debt-free. As well, we would like to purchase a travel trailer and take our family, and our ministry, on the road.

We are excited about the potential changes, but also busy getting our house in order. These plans, however, are made with Proverbs 16:9 in mind: “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” It is important to seek God’s wisdom and make plans for the future, but equally important to be led by the Spirit and remember that God is in control of the future—not us.

We have been constantly reminding ourselves of this lesson as we see economic events unfolding here in the US, which have global implications. Whether we are in the “last days” or whether we are just going through the ups and downs that every empire has historically experienced, we cannot say. However, we do know that either way, there may be hard days ahead for many of us.

There’s a lot of information available out there on making preparations for your family in the event of an emergency, and preparedness is wise for any eventuality (recent economic events notwithstanding). For more on that, we’ve put together a brief outline of some of the practical things you can be thinking about as you plan for your own families. You can view it online. While we don’t want to be alarmist, we feel we would be remiss if we did not encourage you to put some thought into these important matters.

Practical preparations aside, it is of utmost importance that your family is emotionally and spiritually ready for whatever may unfold—whether temporary sacrifices due to job loss, emotional and financial upheaval because of home repossession, or even the spiritual battles of persecution because of our faith in Christ. How prepared are you in this area? Even if nothing “major” happens in the future, think about where your children are spiritually, and where you want them to be. Are you doing the things that you need to in order to help them mature with a strong, personal relationship with Jesus Christ?

We recently got an email from a lovely soon-to-be Grandma, which was so heartfelt and so on-target with what we felt compelled to share with you, that we wanted to let you read it, too. Don’t let this woman’s regrets be yours!:

The more I read about your ministry and your family, the more I realize we missed the boat with our family. Although our 3 children have grown into great people who love God, we settled for “good” and not God’s best. It amazes me to think we never really sat down and discussed what and how we wanted to teach our children about the Lord. Even more amazing is how He blessed our misguided efforts to create such terrific people in spite of us. Now as I await the birth of our first grandie, I want to grab the child’s parents and plead with them not to make the mistakes we made. Unfortunately, the parents are only nominal believers–they go to church occasionally but we never really talk about God. Please pray with me that God will open up an opportunity to share with my son and his wife how desperately important it is to have Christ the center of their marriage and parenting. I would love to have them read your Values Driven Family book.
Thank you for your daily walk and faithfulness to meet each challenge head-on and your willingness to share your learning with all of us “out here” on the net. May God continue to use and bless you all.

Please pray with me for the next generation in this family, and now let’s take a realistic look at our own families, and talk about some things we can do to strengthen our families spiritually. We want to be ready for the future and ensure that our faith is strong enough to withstand potentially tough times ahead. Click here to read more online about spiritual readiness.


Thoughts on the Death of a Rooster

valuesdr

We are getting ready to go on vacation over Labor Day and don’t really have anyone who can come over twice a day to let the chickens in and out. Since we haven’t had any problems with predators this season, we decided to experiment with leaving them out all night. It sure would be mighty convenient if we could go on vacation and not worry about our birds!

Well, the experiment went well for the first few nights. But then, we got a nighttime visitor–we think it was a fox. He snuck in at about 3:30 AM. The rooster crowed, and crowed, and crowed some more. The dog (in the house with us) barked an alarm. My husband got up and turned on the outside light, and even shined a spotlight in the direction of the chicken coop. Trouble is, the coop is a bit further away than the range of the light. Normally he would have gone out–because trouble was certainly brewing–but for some reason he decided not to (maybe because it was 3:30 in the morning?).

Needless to say, in the morning, we were rooster-less.

I wondered aloud to my husband, “Why do they always go after the roosters?” But then I answered my own question: “Well, no…the roosters always go after them.”

I always mourn the loss of a rooster, because they are the protectors of the hens. They run toward danger, not away from it. If something is threatening our flock of birds, the rooster sacrifices his own life to save the lives of others. Sounds melodramatic, I know–but it’s true.

An interesting thing that I also noticed is that once the rooster is gone, the hens scatter. Where once they all stayed in a group under his watchful eye (and dangerous spurs), now the hens wander about aimlessly–not even in a protective group any more. Whereas they normally stay in the back or side yard and can find plenty of food there, now they are as far away as our front field or the lean-to behind the garage. We even find them in the garage!

Each time we lose one of our “heroes,” it causes me to reflect upon how fathers serve a similar function in the family; they are the spiritual “roosters!” It is a father’s job to keep out the wolves of false teaching, to shelter his children enough so that their growing faith is protected, and to insure that family remains as one, with a common purpose.

Lest you think that I mean any disrespect for single moms, or discount the efforts of those mothers who carry a significant part of the burden for their families–I don’t. Moms have to do what the dads can’t or don’t. In fact, one of the only hens we’ve ever lost was the Momma Hen who was protecting her chicks. She ran right toward the attacker–next in line after the rooster. Both of them were the only casualties on that occasion.

In any case, losing a rooster causes me to reflect, with admiration, on my own husband’s role in our family. He is at the forefront of our common pursuit of the things of God. When I am weak, he is strong for me. He faithfully instructs our children in God’s Word and lives a life of example–even in the humility of confessing his own failures. And when the enemy attacks, he is steadfast in prayer and in the Word of God. He would rather that he bear the brunt of an attack (spiritual or physical) than that one of us should be vulnerable.

That’s why I’m always a little sad when we lose one of our roosters.

Convicted by my own words!

valuesdr

Have you ever had this happen to you? You correct one of your children, only to reflect back upon your own words and have God convict you of the very same thing? I think it’s ironic when that happens, and it has been happening to me a lot lately. Here are just a couple of examples:

Ya know, honey, everyone is working right now; could you try to do your job without grumbling?

Sweetheart, you’re doing the exact right thing with the exact wrong attitude.


Oh, and there have been a few more comments, which were very obviously pointing at ME as they came out of my mouth. I just can’t remember them all right now.

It’s a good reminder to me on two fronts:

  • I need to look in the mirror as I address my children’s character deficiencies. They don’t say “The apples don’t fall far from the tree” for nothin’. Granted, there are plenty of times when this doesn’t apply, but probably just as many when it does.

  • It is important to be authentic with our children. (I’ve talked about that before, but it’s worth repeating.) We can’t pretend with our kids; they know our weaknesses just as much as we know theirs. I like to be in the habit of offering sympathy when I am able–and I suppose I haven’t been as sympathetic lately as I could be. After all, which is nicer to say: “Ya know, honey, everyone is working right now; could you try to do your job without grumbling?” OR, “I suppose there are other things I’d rather be doing right now, too. And, yes, it is hot. BUT, I’m trying to praise God for the good things and remember to work as if working for the Lord. And you know, you can help me with that. If we all do our work quickly then we’ll be DONE–and maybe we can read some books together.”

What are you saying to your kids that God might be saying to you?

Good parenting article

valuesdr

Read a great parenting article by Steve Nelson of Premediated Parenting.

There is lots of good advice on his web site. His book is great as well.

I also urge you to take a look at his series on “Chicken Evangelism.” It’s humorous, serious, and convicting, all at the same time. You can find the series on our sister blog at www.greatcommissionfamily.blogspot.com.

"System Restore" to the Rescue!

valuesdr

We are playing “catch-up” a bit here at the Carrier home. Marc has been away on business for a good portion of the last six weeks. Some standards have had to be relaxed a bit, and there has probably not been as much consistency as there should be in some areas. Some of that is because my “mother’s heart” was feeling a little too much sympathy for the children (with missing their Dad and all), and part of it was simply that by the end of many of those L-O-N-G “solo” days, I was feeling exhausted and just didn’t want to deal with things the way that I should have. Not to mention, I often went to bed too late, got up too late in the morning—and missed altogether too many of my daily “quiet times.”

So this week, with Dad back at the helm, we are trying to return to some sense of normalcy—being more proactive and consistent in our discipleship efforts, raising the standards as far as diligence and quality of work (which has been one of the unfortunate casualties of this season), and simply trying to enjoy one another in the midst of all the “to-do’s.”

Have you ever gone through (or are you going through) a season where things have gotten far more out of whack than you would like—and maybe through no fault of your own, but simply circumstance? Or, like us, have you been “lazy” for too long in some areas, and now want to get back to a place where you once were?

We have written about the “re-boot” as a short-term solution for improving the atmosphere and tone in the home. We use this method and highly recommend it. However, when life’s circumstances sneak up on you (or maybe snowball) and you are dealing with more than just adjusting attitudes—what do you do?

As I have been thinking about where we are at, and how we have dealt with that issue personally this week, I see the necessity of something more like a “system restore.” You know, when your computer has been working just fine, and then suddenly you notice lots of glitches or shut-downs. Or maybe you installed a new program and suddenly there are quirks in your system. You aren’t sure what is wrong or how to fix it, exactly. Maybe, like me, your first instinct is to re-start the computer. But that doesn’t work! My next step is normally to do a system restore. It’s pretty simple, actually—just choose a “restore point” (before those pesky problems cropped up!) and have the computer return to the settings that were saved from that day and time. Bingo! It almost always works for me. Then, if I want to install that new software, or if I was trying to work on something in particular, I return to it—usually without a problem.

When we go through seasons of difficulty (such as we have for the past month and a half) and then begin to see problems—and particularly when we know that that there are no “quick fixes,” but rather painful realities of simply buckling down and persevering in our relationship with God and with one another—it is easy to get discouraged. To feel like throwing in the towel, because it’s too overwhelming. And the feeling of guilt is there, too, which certainly does NOT help matters!

Enter “system restore.” I decided early this week that this was our only solution. I needed to ditch the guilt and the “if only’s,” and START OVER—just return to what we had previously been doing, even though in my mind’s eye there was no way to just clean a slate that had gotten a bit sloppy. So we went back to solid training, genuine encouragement and positive relationships, and corrective discipline as necessary. No talking about it—just doing it. And of course, things always get worse before they get better, don’t they? All of us are feeling a bit stretched, but I remain encouraged—because we are simply getting back to a place we have already been. It feels a bit like Revelation 2:5 (though certainly not in context!): “Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.”

Sometimes seasons in life change us, or change what we are doing (and not necessarily for the better). I suppose the tendency is to over-psychologize or to swing the pendulum to the opposite extreme (sometimes causing MORE problems)—but there should be none of that with a “system restore.” We must simply be willing call a “do over,” and then do even the “hard” things when life suddenly seems messed up. Just get back going in the right direction!

Now, back to the computer analogy…after a “system restore,” you will usually go back to whatever it is that you were doing, right? If you had installed a new program that caused glitches, or if you had changed an existing program that was messing things up, you will re-visit that after a system restore, and try again to do the new thing. Sometimes those changes are necessary to upgrade and optimize your system.

Well, one thing that we have done is to slightly revise our use of the Core Value Progress Chart along with the “system restore.” (The CVPC is available as a free download when you sign up for our e-newsletter here.) In The Values-Driven Family, we talked about using the CVPC as an as evaluative a tool twice each day for our children’s character training—and it still is just that. However, we are now several children removed from the writing of the book and life has gotten immeasurably busier. Some time ago, we decided to do the charts just in the evening, and then only on weekdays. That worked fine for quite a while. Now, however, we have been feeling consistent pressure during the bedtime routines to “make it all happen.” With another child now using the CVPC (we’re up to five of age) doing charts is a bit of a chore! But it is such a valuable way to encourage Christlike character that we are not willing to abandon it.

As we have been striving to return to normalcy this week and get back-to-basics, I have also re-done the Core Value Progress Chart. Instead of each child having his/her own, I made up a single “master list” for ALL of the children. That alone makes going through the charts much easier. What we have also done, however, is to put the chart in a plexiglass refrigerator frame and I attached a wet-erase (not dry-erase) marker to it. This makes the chart totally re-usable each week—I love the idea of not using so much paper!

And rather than wait until the evening to do a post-mortem review of the children’s day, I am more proactively trying to note (and encourage) positive behaviors throughout the day and check (or “X,” for negative behaviors) each child’s chart accordingly. It is a good opportunity to encourage an as-needed change in direction, actually. It is nice to be able to glance over the chart at lunch time and say, “Gee, I did notice that you were being a little bossy to your sister. That would normally give you a ‘ding’ on your chart (which is what we accidentally started calling those X’s…), BUT, if you can make some progress with speaking more kindly and lovingly this afternoon, we’ll be able to give you a check instead. Let’s try to do it God’s way!”

All in all, this process revision has been working very well. It provides more consistency in our biblical values training and streamlines the evening routines (with not so much of the charts to do for each child, many things already having been noted throughout the day).

We take the opportunity to evaluate our family’s progress (particularly in spiritual and character growth, but also on the practical to-do’s) on a regular basis. The more often we do this, the more likely we can make small changes (like the “re-boot”) that can keep us moving in the right direction. However, when we go through prolonged seasons that have more far-reaching consequences, a “system restore,” with some thoughtful changes in routine, may be in order. Don’t be discouraged if this is the case in your family. Instead, be thankful that the Lord continues to guide you and give you wisdom in making necessary changes. Trust that He will continue to work all things for good. And in all things, remain diligent—both in day-to-day tasks and (especially) in the spiritual disciplines that are necessary for abundant life.