I am in the process of going through some of my email folders. I have a bad habit of dumping correspondence into folders and then never actually “doing” anything with it. I guess I just hate to delete (forever) something that I might need or that has been meaningful to me at some point.

One of the things that we love about Values-Driven is getting feedback from folks about how our resources have benefitted their family. The comments and questions are also fun for us to field and we enjoy adding a bit more dimension to our online endeavors. As I was clearing out my Values-Driven correspondence folder, I re-read this one and laughed all over again. I thought I would post it, just because. Enjoy!

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(Comment:)

Help! My boys hate each other! Actually just a little prayer for my sanity as a homeschool mom would be great!

(Response:)

I, too, have days when I feel like all my kids do is bicker. ARRRGGGH!! But, the good days outnumber the bad. Unfortunately, when my children seem to be having difficulties in this area, I often have to look in the mirror–and it is painful. If my children are being short with one another, chances are I’ve been irritable and not responding to them in a kind manner–or maybe I’m just barking out orders because we’re in a rush to get somewhere. When they’re arguing about who-had-what (“that’s mine!”), very often it’s just a root of selfishness that I see in my own self as well (I want to sit down and relax for a minute; No, I can’t help you right now!…).

On the other hand, children are children…and folly is bound in the heart of a child. They are children of God with their own sin nature and their own weaknesses and failings. So even though, very often, “the apples don’t fall far from the tree,” in other instances, it’s just necessary for me to be more diligent in training. It takes a lot of patience to disciple your children, as I’m sure you’re aware. It’s easy to get lax, to want to give up. Usually I see “backslides” in behaviors when the children have been doing really well for a while and I “reward” them by relaxing the standard or not doing some of the usual teaching & training that we’ve become accustomed to. So it’s important to always stay the course, consistently pointing our children to God’s Word and the Christlike character that is His goal for us as maturing Christians.

Unfortunately, we are a “quick fix” culture (myself included). We want the maximum results with the minimum effort. We want it NOW–not 18 years from now! But, God gave us our children for many years, for a good reason. They need that many years of gentle, patient, loving, and persistent training, encouragement, and discipline. There are ups and downs! I hope you will stay encouraged in this wonderful journey. Enjoy your children and expect them to enjoy each other! I will keep you in prayer–I know how you feel! If you have any specific questions, I’ll be happy to do my best to answer.

God bless you!

Cindy Carrier

(Reply:)

Thank you so much! You really nailed it with the irritable mom, the ‘just-a-minute’ mom, and the ‘reward-the-good-behavior-by-being-lax mom’….are you spying on me????? LOL!…I’m learning!!!!! Thanks so much for your resources!

You know the expression, “Home is where the Heart is.” We really feel that since God made us a family, our hearts ought to be at home; we should all gravitate not just toward this place, but towards one another. It is our goal to mutually encourage and edify one another, and to help support each other in our walk with Christ. Particularly when it comes to our children, we (as parents) believe that if their attentions or affections are focused elsewhere, they will not be as likely to embrace the lifestyle of faith that is so important for us to pass along to them.

So we emphasize our bond as family; we work and play together, we minister together in the community as much as is practical, and we pray and try to live God’s Word together. This creates an atmosphere of unity and love, with all of us generally remaining focused on what is most important.

You may have noticed that lately (the past two or three weeks) we haven’t been very bloggy. Well, it started with a visit from my sister. It was a wonderful week and a great family time–much needed and much appreciated. But with all of that came a necessary dividing of attentions and a lesser focus on some of the things that normally are a part of our daily family life. That is to be expected.

After this time I would usually have gone about “re-structuring” and getting back into more normal routines. However, this time I found myself coming off of the “vacation” and getting into a season of more activity–also out of the ordinary. I was finishing up my latest book (finally!!) and it needed last edits and set-up for the printer. Both my husband and I needed to attend to that, which took our attention off of some of the “normal” doings of the home.

Then, in anticipation of offering “The Growing Homeschool” as both an ebook and a paperback, I had to add a new product page to our Web site, and I figured that at the same time I would change over our right hand navigation bar to a preferred design. Mind you, I am in no way an expert in Web design. I have to work my way through using Expressions and the limited knowledge of HTML that I’ve picked up through good old trial and error. So something like a navigation menu, which would be simple to someone else, is not easy for me. Needless to say, although I tried my best to balance this re-design with the usual home management, homeschooling, and so on…it was a little time-and-attention consuming.

Finally today (Web site updates incomplete though they are!), I decided to STOP and just focus on BEING AT HOME. I recall reading somewhere that if your children are exhibiting behavioral problems or if there are peer issues, etc., you as a mom may want to spend more time at home with your children–limiting extra-curricular activities, play groups, errands, outings, and so on. Spending time at home, doing “normal” things, and focusing on your family relationships and the ties that bind helps to restore hearts to the family and to those things that the family values.

And I realized that although we’ve all been “at home,” well, my heart has not been “at home.” I’ve been too distracted by incidental things and not investing enough in what I should be. Are the other things important? Yes! Do I need to do them? Yes! And maybe the timing was just bad, with everything coming together at once and it becoming a bit overwhelming for me. Maybe I was putting things on a timetable that was mine and not God’s (I think that is probably the most likely). Maybe there wasn’t anything I could do about it, I don’t know. But what I do know is that even though I’ve “been” here, I haven’t been actively involved enough in the day-to-day operation of the home, invested enough in the lives of my children, or focused enough on the things that are truly important.

Believe me, I didn’t really feel like blogging about this. It’s a little personal. But I know that God doesn’t want us all living in a vacuum. There is nothing new under the sun, no tempation that is not common to man. So as I write about what’s on my heart, maybe it will serve as a warning to someone else–to take care to keep your heart at home. To remind you that, no matter what else is going on around you, to still keep your focus on the Lord and remember what is most important to Him. And to say that even if you are in a season that seems particularly busy, don’t forget to slow down and appreciate your little ones, consistently disciple your children, spoil your husband, and ENJOY the life that God has given you.

I am thankful that this time of distraction and–ultimately–discouragement has been only a couple of weeks in its course. I’m also optimistic that we’re going to get back on the right track. Because suddenly I feel like my heart is at home again. As always, I remain thankful for God’s grace, and for His faithfulness.

Before starting each new homeschool year, my husband and I talk about our goals and objectives for our children and the various ways we might use homeschooling as a vehicle for accomplishing those goals. I spend some time going through traditional scope and sequence materials for the different grade levels of my children and develop a bulleted list of the things our academic curriculum should cover. I know that we don’t homeschool in the same way that others do; in fact, the flexibility of homeschooling is one of the reasons why it’s such an ideal way to disciple your children and prepare them for life. We don’t “have to” do it just like the public schools, like the alternative schools, or even like our fellow homeschoolers!

Even with all of this careful planning, and with the understanding that everyone’s homeschool methods differ, I still occasionally see something done by another homeschool family and think, “Should we be doing that?” I wonder if we’re missing something. I worry that my children aren’t doing enough academically. I question many things that just a short time earlier had been unquestionable. Thankfully, when I bring these concerns to my husband he always sets me straight—reminding me again that why we homeschool drives how we homeschool, and that we don’t have to “keep up with the Joneses.”

It never ceases to amaze me, though, how the wind gets taken out of my sails by seemingly insignificant things. My confidence can fail just because I decide to compare myself to someone else’s standards rather than the standard that God has given me. Once I get back on track, I’m stronger for it—but it’s sometimes an uphill climb to overcome the doubts and questions that can attack my mind.

I was thinking about this “power of suggestion” in my time of prayer this morning. Just as it doesn’t take much for me to lose confidence in some areas, I think the same is true for my children. Likewise, though, a simple encouragement can go far in the opposite direction, to strengthen a weakness and spur someone on. As parents, the power of suggestion is one of the many tools we have in our toolbox. Sometimes we use it in a harmful manner (often inadvertently or without thinking), and sometimes we use it for good. The latter takes a great deal more thought and effort, at least for me. I am, by nature, a more critical sort of person, so I try to be proactively positive with my children to counter-balance my natural tendencies.

My oldest son has a habit of making me a card saying, “I love you, Mom!” when it seems like I am having a bad day. I don’t know how he started doing it, but I noticed that he very often does. On one particular day, my son was struggling with his attitude and was not responding to the usual encouragements. By the end of the day he was still a bit down. So while he slept, I made him a card, letting him know that I loved him and was praying for him. I taped it to the headboard of his bed. I don’t know how he was feeling when he woke up, but by the time I saw him he was all smiles. Some time later, I noticed my handmade card in his “treasure box”—all the little things he stores up as memories. It didn’t take much to get things going in a more positive direction—it was just the power of suggestion.

I also recall how effective it was in my Children’s Church class to hand out “certificates of achievement” at the end of each session—for the most active participant, the best cleaner-upper, the most polite student, and so on. It’s amazing how such a little token could really promote a positive atmosphere. Don’t overlook these things in what can be the day-to-day grind of parenting. In fact, that’s why my husband and I started using a daily “Core Value Encouragement Chart” with our children. It’s a concrete reminder for our kids of the blessing that accompanies their sincere efforts to live the Word of God and exhibit Christlike character. It has been a very effective tool for this purpose.

On the other hand, I can think of instances where the power of suggestion has resulted in negative outcomes rather than positive ones. When I use statements with a child like “You always…” or “You never…” (and they’re usually negative in nature), it sends the message to the child that I have certain expectations for their actions or behavior, and so it doesn’t do them any good to try something different. In fact, my own expectations or assumptions often blind me to the fact that a particular child is actually making progress in a given area.

So it’s pretty obvious that both our actions and our words can have significant effects on our children’s attitudes and behaviors, whether in a negative direction or positive. Recently, though, I’ve been meditating on how our overall tone can be a powerful suggestion as well. Our tone is self-perpetuating throughout our home, in more ways than we realize. We can say things that seem encouraging, but are we saying them in a positive way, and with a genuine heart? I think of how a child can come to me with a work of art—all of their effort poured into it—and if I’m in the middle of something, I can take a quick glance and mumble, “That’s really nice, sweetie.” But they know that my heart isn’t in it, and what was meant to encourage the child will probably have the opposite effect.

I’d like to leave you with a poem that had a great deal of impact on me, and in fact made me think a little more deeply about the power of suggestion and the effects of my tone in the home. I’m reprinting it from a study called “Gatekeepers of the Home” by Nancy Campbell (visit www.aboverubies.org for this and other helpful, Biblical studies and encouragements for wives and mothers). The original author is listed as unknown.

The Tone of Voice

It’s not so much what you say
As the manner in which you say it;
It’s not so much the language you use
As the tone in which you convey it;
“Come Here!” I sharply said,
And the child cowered and wept.
“Come here,” I said—
He looked up and smiled
And straight to my lap he crept.
Words may be mild and fair
And the tone may pierce like a dart;
Words may be soft as the summer air
But the tone may break my heart;
For words come from the mind
Grow by study and art—but tone leaps from the inner self
Revealing the state of the heart.
Whether you know it or not,
Whether you are mean or care,
Gentleness, kindness, love and hate,
Envy, anger are there.
Then, would you quarrels avoid
And peace and love rejoice?
Keep anger not only out of your words—
Keep it out of your voice.